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Original poster

I know this is really stupid but.....

11 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/06/2020 23:24

For some reason I keep on thinking tonight about when I "lost" DD2 in hospital.

It is such a nothing event but sometimes I remember and it makes me all teary.

Dd2 is a twin and both twins were in NICU after birth. The unit was supposed to have a 24/7 visiting policy for parents but one night a doctor told me I had to leave. I don't know why.

I came back the next day in working hours and DD cot was empty and stripped bare. The staff working weren't ones I had seen before and didn't know who I was or recognise DD name. They couldn't say where she was.

Then one piped up and said DD had been very unwell and had been moved but she didn't know where to. The NICU had 4 large rooms sort of strung out down a long corridor so I wandered in and out of each looking for her.

She wasn't in any of the first three and I got told off by a member of staff for asking them where she was, and I remember feeling so sick as I opened the fourth door because what if she wasn't there? She was, and it was all fine, and I know it's ridiculous to even think about it - she is 2 - but it was just like a nightmare.

Don't even know why I'm posting this tbh!

OP posts:

Original poster

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/06/2020 23:27

It's so stupid, isn't it, but I remember looking into each cot as I walked up and down, hoping I would see her, but none of them were my baby, and I didn't know what I'd do if she just wasn't there at all.

OP posts:

CornedBeef451 · 27/06/2020 23:28

That's terrifying!

SillyCow6 · 27/06/2020 23:29

I do this too sometimes. I play out what might've happened or what I might have done in other circumstances. I've wondered if it is where, during the actual thing happening, and your brain is going ten to the dozen with different scenarios and what best action to take next...that the brain needs to fulfil each scenario that it conjured up, if that makes sense. Almost like it needs closure.

Either that or its just gratitude, especially if I've seen or heard something that has reminded me of it all

SillyCow6 · 27/06/2020 23:30

Have you watched "The secrets she keeps" by any chance?!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2020 23:31

You poor thing! You have PTSD, op. Seemingly a mild case, but it's PTSD just the same. You suffered a massive, prolonged episode of extreme fear, anxiety, and stress. You thought your baby was lost/had died. Don't underestimate how powerful and distressing this experience was. Of course this kind of shock is going to affect you for a very long time, and it can rear it's head randomly for no apparent reason. Please be kind to yourself and allow your emotions to process.

Smallsteps88 · 27/06/2020 23:31

I don’t think it’s stupid at all. That’s a pretty traumatic experience tbh. It’s going to leave a mark on you for sure. Have you thought about having some counselling to properly process the feelings you have about it?

Original poster

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/06/2020 23:32

Silly, no never heard of it?

OP posts:

Pelleas · 27/06/2020 23:32

It sounds an enormously traumatic thing to have happened - it's not surprising that it comes back to haunt you . Sometimes it can be cathartic to let yourself have a cry about events in the past - it can be a way of releasing pent up anxiety and emotions of the present, so let yourself feel what you need to feel - often the subconscious knows much better than the conscious mind how to process things.

Original poster

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 27/06/2020 23:34

Oh I don't think I am traumatized, I mean she was fine, it just comes back sometimes. I don't want to talk to DH about it as it is his birthday today and we've had a really nice day so don't want to spoil it.

OP posts:

CornedBeef451 · 27/06/2020 23:36

My DS was in neonatal and I'd barely seen him due to me being too ill to walk to see him and supposedly not being allowed off the ward because I was waiting for a transfusion that took 4 days to arrive.

There was another woman on the ward who had my exact maiden name and her DS had the same name as my DS. Staff sometimes got us confused and at one point one of the midwives was feeding a baby at the desk and said this is DS name. I freaked out as I there was no reason she would have my baby but also I might not recognise him anyway.

It was a scary few minutes and it was such a relief when I finally got my blood and DS was transferred to my room as he was much improved. Turns out I could pick him out of a lineup, he looked just like DD and and had a very judgmental attitude which luckily faded.

I still feel a bit panicky when I think about those days in hospital and he's almost 9.

xxKatie9806xx · 27/06/2020 23:44

I understand OP. I have some memories from when my twins were born that still disturb me if I think about them too much. I think the best thing to do is talk about them, get the emotions out and then tomorrow is a new day and try put the thoughts away for a while. I do understand though, it must have been very traumatic for you.

After the birth of my twins (around 2am) I was either so exhausted or so drugged that I could not even open my eyes. When I woke briefly About 4am they were both beside me and a nurse was at the end of my bed, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. When I awoke again about 6.30, one of my twins was gone. She had been taken to NICU upstairs. I called my husband back and when he arrived he went upstairs to be with her and I stayed with the other twin. We were moved to special care by 8.30am which had everything my twin in NICU needed so I was told she would be down soon so I stayed with the other twin. At 5.30pm I still hadn’t been reunited with her, but kept being told she would be down soon. I was still downstairs with my son not wanting to leave him and kept being told she was coming so didn’t go to her. If I think about it too much I get really upset that I didn’t see her for all those first hours of her life just because I was waiting for someone to bring her to me. So angry about it. Amongst many other cock ups they made. I’m the same, every now and then I think about it, and mine are 8 now!

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