I don't feel like I'm grieving?

[MortyFide]

My mum, who I loved very much and had a close relationship with, died a month ago. She was 82, was in care with Alzheimer's (which I know she would have loathed and considered to be the height of indignity, had she been really aware of it) and had been deteriorating in the last six months.

Her final month was horrid but fast - she went down with a UTI and sepsis, which was what ultimately saw her off. But she'd had a good life, she was the best mum and the kindest person, she was totally ready for it to be over so I'm kind of happy for her. She's with her siblings and back with my stepdad now.

I have cried on and off, for the mum I used to know - but they call Alzheimer's the long goodbye don't they, because you grieve for the original person after they become somebody different. I think I've been slowly saying goodbye for almost a year, since her first fall at home brought about the beginning of the end and her personality changed more significantly.

There have been moments when the realisation strikes that I'm never going to see her face, kiss her hair, talk politics or hear her laugh again. But I keep kind of pushing that away, because it feels overwhelming. I have otherwise been very practical, making all the funeral arrangements, battling with a rude executor, doing everything alone because my only brother lives abroad (although he was very supportive remotely). I was tearful at the funeral but I got through a poem and didn't break down.

I saw her when she was still able to open her eyes and I told her all the things you want to tell a dying parent. I saw her again in her last stages when only her lungs were still functioning, and I told her how much I loved her. And I saw her body after she had gone, and I chatted to her.

Her ashes are with me now, and I have many photos of her around me. I still talk to her most days. But although of course I feel sad and I'll miss her terribly, I haven't had that awful, gut wrenching, raw feeling of grief that I've experienced with other deaths. The grief where you start crying and think you'll never stop, the pain is so great.

I'm terrified that I must be cold and unfeeling, and that I'm just relieved that it's all over - what kind of a daughter isn't wracked with grief for a mother they adored? Or has it just not come yet? Is this normal?

And thank you for sharing your own experiences - it must be painful, I am grateful.

I have been thinking about you MortyFide. In fact I nearly posted on your original thread a couple of days ago but I neither wanted to reopen the wounds nor look like some kind of weird stalker.
I think what you are experiencing is normal. Or its very similar to what my siblings and I experienced when our parents died, especially Mum who also suffered from Alzheimer's disease.
My overwhelming emotion when she died was relief that it was over. For her, but also for us. I was upset at the funeral, but there was a lot of other weird family stuff going on there anyway, but most of the rest of the time I was actually ok. My Mum, as we knew her, had left us in many ways some years before and the last 12 months in particular were awful. If I could have had her back to her anything approaching her old self I would have moved heaven and earth for it, but as she was before she died was awful for us all. I wasn't grieving the loss of that, and I had done a lot of grieving before then. I never said that to anyone at the time - what kind of sick individual is relieved their mother has died, I felt like a monster. But a couple of years later I told my siblings and it transpired we had all felt the same but dared not say so.
I do miss her. Even a decade later occasionally I will cry out of the blue. Hearing music that I associate with her always does it, and certain things that I associate specifically with her - she was the only person in the family who liked Turkish Delight and my Dad always bought her loads at Christmas so seeing it in the shops then brings back bittersweet memories. You may find that "firsts" are particularly difficult, her first birthday, first Christmas without her etc. My husband can't understand why I don't want to go to his parents on Mothers and Fathers Days, because its "ages" since my parents died, but I will always find those days hard.
We all grieve differently. There is no right way, and you are perfectly normal.
Look after yourself.

It's possible you're just experiencing denial op. That's the first stage of grief. It doesn't mean you don't believe it or anything like that, for me it was just that I felt a lot better than I expected to - my body's way of protecting me in the first few months. The real grief came later.

It’s a different kind of grief when someone gradually fades. It was different with my Mum (she died of cancer) but I lost two grandparents with Dementia. I felt like I was grieving while they were alive, losing the person they were. And while it was sad when they died, I’d lost that relationship, that company long before they died in the physical sense.

Bereavement counselling can help to make sense of things. As pp say, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve but it’s my belief that the grieving process starts from diagnosis, it’s a drip process rather than a floodgate of a sudden bereavement.

Loosing a loved one with Alzheimer's or other long term illnesses is different, your brain has been processing this day for a while so it's not the same as a sudden death, many of the people I counsel admit to feeling relief (and feel guilty for it). Grief isn't linear and you may feel that rawness but like my clients I advise to remember the happy days rather than questioning their feelings.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I felt the same when my beloved mum died. She'd been ill for years and I think I did a lot of my crying before she went. I was very, very numb at the time and felt awful about it, but I think it was a protective mechanism. I had a very vivid dream one night in which I was on my own in a lift which went down and down and down really deep, and when the doors opened, this incredible, overwhelming wave of grief crashed in on me for a few seconds before the doors closed again and I was taken back up to the surface and woke up. I interpreted it as my mind showing me that all the grief was there but that I wouldn't be able to bear it if I felt it in its full force; wouldn't be able to be strong for my dad and make the necessary arrangements.

Hi @MrsAvocet, yes you were around for that awful 4 weeks of her hanging on weren't you! I was so grateful for that, you wouldn't have seemed like a stalker. I let that thread fade, I suppose because things moved on (plus not everyone RTFT, so there was a risk of "I hope she's better soon" replies when she'd already gone). I didn't want anyone to feel bad!

I really do appreciate everyone replying, there's quite a few of you now so I won't name check but please know that I am reading and absorbing all your care and advice and wisdom.

I am a little afraid that it's there deep down but I have indeed numbed myself to it. Little memories can trigger emotion, so I'm frightened to think any more deeply about it as I don't know what I might find. Maybe it'll emerge months down the line.

I was terrified of opening her handbag, but when the executor made me me angry and frustrated I feverishly sorted through it while I was angry and upset, so it wouldn't hurt. She'd put a biscuit in the front pocket. That was too much, I just closed it again!

In the last three nights I've had two dreams - one where mum came to visit me, wearing her nicest outfit with matching jewellery and beautiful hair-do, smelling divine, smiling and happy. She didn't say anything but I felt semi-awake (as in, I knew I was dreaming but wanted to make the most of seeing her) and exclaimed "Mum! There you are, I'm so pleased to see you! How's it been up there?!"

The other dream was awful, I was in a gift shop looking for things that mum would like when it hit me like a ton of bricks that she is really dead. I had a meltdown in public, sobbing uncontrollably, then found myself totally alone in an empty room. An elderly lady entered the room and walked towards me smiling with her arms out, and I let her cuddle me and tell me it was going to be alright. It looked like my auntie who died over 20 years ago, she and mum were very close. But I woke up crying and felt horrible all day.

I think my brain is only letting the grief through a little at a time.

Grief doesn’t stop when you are sleeping so those dreams are a way of coming to terms with your loss.

Your path of grief started with her Alzheimer’s diagnosis so you have had a long time to deal with it and adjust.

I lost my mum about the same time my friend lost his and our emotions were completely different really.
His mum had Alzheimer’s for 10 years and had been in a care home for 3 years. She was immobile and unable to talk or feed herself etc. So when the end came it was a blessing for everybody as she was free.
Whereas my mum was fit and healthy but died in an accident on holiday. Her death was like a bullet through me and I didn’t function properly for at least the first year. I just couldn’t comprehend what had happened and that she had gone.

My friend and I were talking about it one day and realised that it was the same amount of grief, love and loss but his was spread slowly over 10+ years whereas mine came in one visit at midnight from the police....

On top of that we all grieve differently and deal with it in our own way so there is no right or wrong way to feel as it is your way.

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum's accident - absolutely, a totally different kind of experience to a death after a long illness which is a blessing. What a terrible shock that must have been.

My mum only had Alzheimer's for 3 years and was chatting and mostly self sufficient up to a year ago, when her mobility started to decline and she needed more help at home. She started wandering and falling so went into full time care at New Year, was still chatting and joking and being hilarious, feeding herself and fully continent, but she stopped properly recognising me about 5 months ago. Then she fell ill with sepsis on 26th April and died on 26th May.

I think it was her often repeated desire to die and get it over with that set me up for this kind of slow burn...I'm happy for her that it's over, and mostly acclimatised to having "lost" her already, but only for the last few months.

My dad died 10 years ago now. He had been ill for 25 years and struggled so much, I lost him at the beginning of his illness when I was in my twenty’s looking back I realise now I did my grieving then. When he passed I was very matter of fact and didn’t cry, I just felt relief for him. About 4 weeks after he passed I dreamt he came to see me, I was so excited and shouted dad dad your here , I went to hug him and he turned and walked away, I was upset the next day, but I’ve been fine since. What your feeling is entirely normal and natural just go with it , your feelings will evolve and change over the coming years

Thank you @Katyy, that dream sounds similar to mine! I guess it's our way of processing things.

Sorry for your loss x We all grieve in different ways. My experience with losing a sick parent was as you described in the early days. The grieving process had already started months before my Dad died and I felt nothing but relief the day he died. I cried when I went to see him at the morgue, at the funeral, and when clearing out his stuff. Then got back on with my life and thought I must have been a dreadful daughter not to be more devastated. But the grief for the wonderful father he had been when he was well came later. A program he liked would come on TV or I'd hear a song he used to sing and I'd be off. Even now many years later I still sometimes have a cry prompted by a whole range of things. It may not be like that for you but best to know that it wouldn't be unusual.
Having a sick parent is emotionally and physically draining, take your time to recover from that and be kind to yourself. You may grieve in waves over a much longer period of time than has passed already - keep talking on here if it helps x

Lost my parents when I was very young. This thread has been reassuring and comforting.
I do remember the relief after my mum died. It was almost like elation. She was gone. No more pain no more suffering and mainly that it couldn't get any worse...
I also have dreams where I realise she is gone and it's like a blow to my chest the grief is that strong.

Op, I hope you don't feel the guilt you first felt in your first post. It sounds like a terrible cliche but everyone grieves at a different pace.
I often comfort myself that even though she is gone, at least she was a wondeful mother and a great person. Reading other threads that is definitely not everyone's experience.
Am sending love and strength to you and to all the other posters on this thread.

OP my dad had dementia and he was in a nursing for two years before dying of covid in April.

It happened very quickly and I was in pieces for the first week or so, but since then I feel like my life has gone back to normal (or at least as normal as possible right now). So I definitely relate to what you describe.

I think that when someone has dementia we start grieving while they're still alive, without even realising it. By the time they pass our brains have done a lot of processing so it makes the grief easier.

I went through a phase of feeling guilty for not feeling bad enough, but then I realised this is quite normal under the circumstances.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, it definitely helps - as does writing it down here. I know I need to go into Mums flat at some point but not sure how much I'm allowed to mess around with, the executor is being so anally retentive about it. Apparently she wants photos of the contents and a valuation.

There's no antiques or priceless jewellery in there love, I can tell you that for nothing.

I think some of the gut wrenching pain you describe is shock. It certainly is for me when we’ve had deaths in the family

When my great nan died it was a massive shock to me...it rocked me to my core and I never thought I’d get over it

When my Nan (her daughter died) I didn’t even cry. It wasn’t a shock, she’d been suffering for a while and I saw her death coming a mile off. While I’m sad she’s gone, sad for my mum and grandfather and do miss her, I just didn’t experience that same level of pain as I did with my great nan

I had that pain with my stepdad, even though he'd been ill for 5 months with cancer - but I didn't see the decline for myself (I lived a long way away), so I guess it was a shock when it finally happened and I was so heartbroken for my mum.

And, I'm embarrassed to say, I had that raw feeling when I lost my dog. She was my child substitute, what can I say, and although we always knew the day would come it was such a dreadful, horrible shock when it happened, along with wondering if we'd made the right decision for her.

I'm expecting the sensation to come a bit later with mum, in waves. I think I may have already numbed myself to her loss a long time ago. I hope it doesn't all come crashing down in one go.

Name change fail, that was me ^^

Grief is odd. I wept for about 5 minutes at my dad's funeral, and then after that all my memories were joyful*. I have never wept for my mum. I respected her courage and was astonished by her intellect, but grief? Couldn't manage it. The death that nearly broke me was a family member who died by millimetres over 20 years from MS.

*Especially when DD (4) nearly farted him to death.

for you OP.

Farted him to death

Oh OP, I'm so so sorry. My dad has Huntington's disease, which shares many of the features of Alzheimer's, and he's currently at the end stage in hospital. None of us expect him to last much longer.

He was diagnosed 7 years ago (although he'd been symptomatic for at least 15 years before diagnosis), and for me the grieving process started right then and there. Watching him deteriorate has been impossibly difficult.

Both my mum and I have POA for him, and we agreed to a DNR. We did this all pretty calmly, and agreed that it'd be a relief when he died, mainly for his sake.

Yet a couple of days ago, my mum accidentally called me at some stupid hour of the morning, and I felt like my stomach had been gripped by a vice. I knew then that I'm absolutely not ready for him to go, although it really is the kindest thing for HIM.

My heart goes out to you, it truly does

I promise there were paragraphs when I typed all that!

I also think when someone who’s suffered with Alzheimer’s passes, it is more normal to not feel such shock and more relief as the person you knew and loved had gone already.

When my Nan passed (not Alzheimer’s), she’d already gone. We were just waiting for her body to catch up.

I agree with all this.

When my lovely, kind, dignified, intelligent, energetic, perceptive, gentlemanly, pillar-of- the- community Dad died in hospital of pneumonia, having lived in a care home for two years in incontinence pants and with limited mobility and distressing hallucinations due to Lewy Body dementia I felt nothing but relief for us both.

I think that's entirely natural. The odd thing is I miss him more at different times. Often unexpectedly.

As people have said, grief is not a linear process.