I'm such an idiot aka tell me your baking fails

[QuestionableMouse]

Sister asked if I'd bake her a corned beef and onion pie. (Their oven is currently sitting in their garage due to a kitchen remodel)

My first mistake was saying yes in this heat 😂😂😂😩😩😩

Clearing down, pies baking in the oven. All. Good until. I moved the flour container and found the bastard onion. I totally forgot about it 😂😂😂😩😩😩

Oops. I'm sure it'll still taste good but it's a pretty key ingredient in a corned beef and onion pie 😂😂😂

and I won't mention the time I made lemon curd only to discover the lemon juice still sitting in the jug on the side. No wonder the damn stuff tasted mostly of egg

ANY time I've attempted scones!

I have proper cold hard butter in to try again (it's been a while actually must get on it) and I am hoping to remember all the tips I got on a recent thread on here and put into practice.

Previously they could be used as pebbles in garden decoration! Don't rise, dense and heavy!

However, if you really want to feel better I have 1 friend who literally cannot cook anything, she's barely trusted with a microwave these days! I am not exaggerating she's blown up TWO kitchens in her attempts to cook really very basic dishes! The irony being her brother is a very successful chef and her mum was a dinner lady back when they cooked from scratch! They've both tried on umpteen occasions and actually watched her do things apparently the same as others and the result is still inedible at best and dangerous at worst!

It's quite an achievement really when you think about it!

@onlyherefortheguineapigs I've been using granulated during lockdown as been unable to get caster - it's worked fine

I’m crap at making cheesecake . It just defeats me every time. Last time I tried a baked cheesecake I did it in a cake tin liner because of previous failures with a springform tin . Except that I didn’t latch the catch on the tin , it sprang open, tore the liner and all the cheesecake poured into the water bath . Custard. And shit custard at that .

If you’re worried about granulated, bing it in a blender for a few seconds, voila! Caster sugar!

Hokey pokey biscuits when a teenager.
Put in way way too much baking soda. (Cause a little is good so a lot us better???)

Even our Labrador wouldn’t touch them and she would literally eat anything and everything even if it could of maybe one had food in it at some stage and not edible.

Everything I tough is a baking fail! I keep trying but the kids now ask to bake with dh because they know ...

Eh? People actually measure ingredients for shepherds pie? I just wing it! Never even thought or knew to weight out ingredients

@SpillTheTeaa yes I do weigh for shepherd pie (or it seems I try to ) because I can never judge potatoes, rice or pasta. I have specific measurers for all of those things. I don't enjoy cooking but do love to buy any sort of kitchen appliance to make the chore task easier.

...left the eggs out of a chocolate oil cake...weirdly it was still quite edible just very crumbly...

Its raining here and I have a load of strawberrys that are slightly bruised, I'm going to have another go at (strawberry) buttercream later and pipe it onto some plain cupcakes.

ladykuga what are your hands like? If you are short with small hands (like I am) 2 handfuls dried pasta makes an adult portion, 1 handful for children...works with everything apart from spaghetti.

Eh? People actually measure ingredients for shepherds pie? I just wing it! Never even thought or knew to weight out ingredients

I weigh carbs to prevent overeating. It's too easy to eat almost double the amount of potatoes than a proper portion is,

I used to have a thing about wanting all my ingredients poured out in pretty pots and tins instead of plastic bags. I quit when I put the salt in the sugar tin, DH baked a cake and I tasted it first.

We have a cooking cherry tree in the garden so I went to make cherry pie. I don't think this was my fault, it was the recipe, but the pastry simply slid down the side of the tin when pre baking so I have a puddle of vaguely cooked pastry at the bottom.

I also have a habit for forgetting things in the oven so made beautiful pork pie which became incinerated after two hours

I'm shocking at baking so I thought I'd buy one of those packets mixes, you know where everything is weighed and done already even the decoration is included, easy peasy.

So I added my eggs to the cake mix and popped it in the oven, when I took them out the cakes just looked flat and awful really like nothing I'd seen before.

Turned out I'd added my eggs to the icing mix instead of the cake mix and baked the icing instead and so that was my last go at baking ever!

I recently made a fruit cake with fairly old dried fruit to use it up. It was a Good Housekeeping recipe but when I'd mixed everything together it was completely solid; I assumed it was the type of cake because I don't often make fruit cake.

I put it in the oven for the stated time and once it was cooled, cut a slice for me and my dad. It looked slightly dry but on taking a bite it sucked all the moisture out of your mouth.

I saved it by soaking it with tea (which is what I should have done with the fruit in the first place) but dad later admitted he'd donated most of his slice to the garden birds

@Camomila. Thanks so much for the pasta tip. Will definitely try next time. Might make some today knowing I won't waste any.

I once sent fire to my whole hob while making treacle toffee and the sugar completely boiled over.

I used to make blueberry muffins for my husband for V day. First year I forgot to add the sugar, second year I forgot to add the flour. Then I gave up!

@Howsrainbows...your post made me laugh.......
Making Mrs Beeton standard buns and adding cocoa to make chocolate buns...the first time I left out the sugar and the next time the baking powder. ...never got round to making them properly...

@Howsrainbows

I'm shocking at baking so I thought I'd buy one of those packets mixes, you know where everything is weighed and done already even the decoration is included, easy peasy.

So I added my eggs to the cake mix and popped it in the oven, when I took them out the cakes just looked flat and awful really like nothing I'd seen before.

Turned out I'd added my eggs to the icing mix instead of the cake mix and baked the icing instead and so that was my last go at baking ever!

I'm sorry but that had me creased laughing! 😂😂😂

Sis dropped round this morning with bacon sarnies and my favourite coffee as a thank you. Said the pie was lovely. I didn't mention the onion

@Strawberrypancakes

When I make a cake it manages to be both burnt and raw. I don’t know why. Every time.

Sounds like your oven is letting you down!

Then there was the time I made a tarte tatin . Put the pastry lid on , put it in the oven , waited till it looked golden and beautiful - then took it out of the oven by its stainless steel handle forgetting to use oven gloves . And realised as it started hurting a lot . Burned right across the palm of my hand and all four fingers and thumb . Trip to A and E that was . Pudding was a triumph though . As it was one of Jamie Oliver's recipes , I jokingly sent him a tweet . He sent me back an autographed book and some oven gloves

Oh tarte tatin is such a dangerous cake. .

I was making it and sliced off a good chunk of flesh and nail off my finger on the last apple.
Was determined to have that pie and finished cooking with my hand wrapped in a teatowel. ..it was delicious.

Never did find the bit of nail though...

I am generally a really good baker but have had so many disasters with quiche (which I absolutely love, so I kept trying):

• pastry case shrank so much while blind baking that it turned into a pastry pancake
• pastry case baked ok, but when I poured the filling in it poured straight out again through the bottom of the tart tin (this actually happened two separate times)
• pastry case baked ok, filling stayed in, but I didn't squeeze out any of the water from the spinach so the custard was tough as old boots
• didn't make enough custard mix for the size of the tin so the whole quiche was about half an inch thick
• quiche didn't set in the required time so I left it in longer = tough
• quiche didn't set but remembering previous disaster I took it out following instructions in recipe to take it out when the centre still wobbled - cut into quiche and it poured out all over, it was still liquid

You would think after all those disasters I would have given up, which I did for many years but literally this morning I woke up and needed to use up some eggs and a roll of short crust and just went for it - my first successful quiche ever!!! Still some improvements needed, the case shrank again, but not by so much that I couldn't make a good 3cm thick custard. So pleased!

I've had a few. Making spaghetti bolognese I didn't turn the heat down for the sauce to simmer. Thankfully it was quickly rescued with copious amounts of ketchup.
Made a chicken chasseur and still have no idea what I did wrong but it smelled like really crap dog food (and the dog we had at the time refused to go within 5 feet of it!), so that went in the bin.
In school and being assessed on a pudding dish. Decided to make a jam sponge. My Mum said she would write down how much milk I needed. I decided I could remember (typical teenager!) Instead of a quarter of a pint, I put half a pint in! Thankfully, no one cut into it to discover the mistake and I passed. It also meant it didn't get picked up on until I got home.
Somehow, despite all that, I do actually know how to cook. and have made some nice things. Unfortunately (thankfully?), no longer physically able to cook.