Suicidal Thoughts

[LifeIsHardButSoAmI]

I was wondering if anyone can tell me what to do with thoughts about suicide.

I am unhappy. Very unhappy. Work related stress. But I have a lovely husband and two very young daughters who I adore with everything I have, and I know myself that I would never, ever put them through that so I guess it’s fine. But it keeps creeping into my head.

I spoke to the doctor about anxiety. She asked me if I wanted to harm myself. I said no. I don’t want to harm myself. that’s true. But i didn’t want to admit to any of these intrusive thoughts because I’m frightened that social services will take my girls.

My girls are happy and safe and want for nothing. My issues are all work-related. But I feel like I can’t take that risk.

I don’t feel like I’m mentally unwell. I don’t feel like I am a suicide risk in need of urgent intervention. I just feel so sad and defeated.

Please consider leaving your job

If not for you, then for your children

Did the doctor give you any medication for the anxiety/depression. Perhaps seeing a therapist would be good.

I want to. So badly. I nearly had a new job and then lockdown happened and it disappeared. I have been scouring the job sites every single day. There is nothing out there. I can’t afford a substantial pay cut and my husband worries about money (he doesn’t know much about how I’m feeling). We want to move house because we don’t have enough space.

No medication yet. Put me on to some “counsellor” helpline (a girl in her early 20s who was very lovely but couldn’t help me). I need to phone back.

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Work related stress is soul destroying, I understand and I hear you.

Firstly, I think you should go back to your GP and be totally honest about how you are feeling.

Secondly, is there anything practical you can do about your work situation? Can you look for another job, for example. It might be an idea to get signed off work sick for a couple of weeks to help you get your thoughts straight. I've had to do this before and it made work realise the stress I was under and help address it, things have improved since. Your workplace might not be so accommodating but sometimes you just have to take time off for the sake of your own mental health.

Thirdly, please don't worry about social services involvement. Nobody is going to take your children away, it isn't going to happen

Do you think you could try and talk to your husband?

OP, you need an outlet for this, you can't keep it in and also get better.

Refer yourself for NHS counselling here www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

And talk to the Samaritans in the interim. They are just there for everyone and don't judge. You don't have to be at the point of suicide to call them.

You sound overwhelmed at the moment. Fix the job situation, even if it means resigning because you've got to prioritise your health above money. Have you spoken to an employment lawyer/Law Centre/CAB/Union/Acas about your work situation?

I am a lawyer. How’s that for irony. Not employment, granted.

If I go off sick the ridiculous workload will simply be there waiting for me when I get back. It won’t help. My manager cares but is under significant pressure herself. We are under resourced and struggling to recruit (due to location).

I just feel like I am in over my head. There are so many demands. Working from home is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It has completely taken over my life. I can’t switch off from it. My confidence is shattered and I just want to run away.

First of all, well done for admitting to yourself and us how bad things are.

I think you need to go off sick, long term if needs be.

Show your husband this thread; email it to your GP if you cannot say the words out loud.

Forget workload building up - that’s your manager’s job to manage that.

Forget a bigger house - we’d all love one, but it is not vital.

Your mental health and your safety are. Please don’t dismiss your poor mental health, act on it and take the break you desperately need.

Oh hun, it sounds like you are going through a hard time. You have to be honest to the dr. Seriously. Otherwise you can't get proper help. Hugs

Op, there is no shame in struggling to cope on difficult times, right now you’ve got it hard, heavy workload and two young kids.

The shame is in not addressing it and dealing with it, I suspect the issue here is you feel trapped, you need to work, if you go off sick the workload builds up and you can’t quit as you need the money.

Is there any way to speak to a manager, explain to them you need the workload to be reduced, that you don’t want to go off sick with stress but it’s coming to that? See if they can re allocate some cases?

Bluntness trapped is exactly it. Nail on the head. I can’t find a way out.

My manager knows that I’m finding life hard just now. I haven’t told her how badly I’m struggling. I find it hard to say it out loud. I guess the issue is that there isn’t really anywhere else for the work to go - we are all buried. She’s going to ask me what I need her to do to help and truth be told I don’t know the answer. I don’t think she can really do much I just want out

You can be totally honest about how you’re feeling with your doctor. They won’t take your girls away.

Call them and ask for a phone appointment to tell them the full picture.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful. I can only echo what others are saying, you should open up and talk to people about how you are feeling. It immediately cuts the power of the intrusive thoughts if you've told other people about them.

But most importantly, your feelings, the work situation is transient. It will not always be this way. No financial situation is worse than a mother and wife who is no longer with them. If you feel that leaving your job is a possibility, no matter how difficult, please consider it.

If you do leave your job, be aware you might not feel immediate relief, and you may feel shaky for a while.

Op it’s not your problem to fix that she has no one else to give the work to. It’s her job as the manager. You need to be clear and tell her which cases to remove to make this manageable for you. If she has no where else to send them then this is an internal issue she needs to escalate and resolve.

I've PMed you OP

Oh this is awful to read - you are so far down the rabbit hole you can't see any perspective at all.

It's a job, my love.

That's all. A job.

You are talking about suicide. That is fucking serious.

You need to leave the job and focus on getting better. What's the point in money, jobs and careers if ultimately they are making you this unhappy?! It's madness to keep doing the one thing that's making you so ill when it's so easy to fix it.

You are worth saving. A job that basically just exists to earn other people money is not worth it.

Seriously. Leave. The world will keep turning. Someone else will do the work (doesn't matter who). You will find a new job. Or you won't. But you can stay in the house you're in now and cut your cloth differently. Kids don't care how big the house is or how many holidays they go on if the alternative is a life without their mum.

Please please hey help and support in real life and leave your job.

@LifeIsHardButSoAmI
See a different GP and get some anti depressants, tell them how bad it is and don't sugar coat it.

My GP missed how bad things were; I ended up having a breakdown and was put in a psychiatric unit. They didn't take my kids away as I was not a risk to anyone else.

I am so sorry you are feeling this, it’s a frightening and claustrophobic feeling, and those thoughts will be quite pervasive at times, I should think. Please know you’re not alone and there are initial steps you can take to help you feel a little more in control of what ,use feel like an out of control situation
Please try calling the Samaritans in the first instance, so you can air these thoughts - saying it out loud can help, and please book to see you dr- write your feelings down, as honestly as possible, and share it with them
You won't be judged, and your daughters won’t be taken .
If you can sign off work until you see the dr, that will give you space to recalibrate a little .You can ask them to sign you off for a longer period and start to heal.
Take care

Morning @LifeIsHardButSoAmI how are you doing today?

I hope you’ve found the strength to reach out to your GP and hopefully get signed off for a good few weeks or months to give your mind and body a rest.

As a PP said above, this is your job; if the job is ruining your life, ditch it and do something else - you may be poorer financially but infinitely richer in your health and family life.

Go back to the doctor. Citalopram has worked wonders for me 💐