If you didn't realise you were gay until later, how did you know?

[IGotMixedUpConfusion]

Writing this is making me feel like I'm back to the days of being an anxious teenager contacting an agony aunt, but I am in my early thirties! I've changed my username because people I know in RL might recognise some of my other posts, and this isn't something I've talked about with anyone.

I was in an abusive relationship for most of my twenties (I didn't realise it was abusive until later). I left my ex when I was pregnant, a few years ago now.

I am happily single and felt largely asexual throughout breastfeeding, but now when I do contemplate or imagine either a relationship or just sex, I can only really imagine it being with another woman.

I've never so much as kissed another woman, and have had positive romantic experiences with men other than my ex.

Has anyone experienced something similar and if so what was the outcome for you? I am not actively looking for relationships but these feelings have me curious and confused.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/22/late-blooming-lesbians-women-sexuality

Posting this for you.

I knew from relatively young but tbh I think a lot of women had similar thoughts and suppressed them so feel like it has developed in later life.

Thank you very much. I found that article very helpful and might also buy the book mentioned.

I’m trying to think back and don’t remember having thoughts I was suppressing feelings but who knows.

I grew up with a very accepting family and gay family members/family friends so I don’t think I’d have felt the need to, but maybe.

I thought the article linked above was well written. I agree that sexuality is fluid but we are encouraged, maybe even pushed to go down a certain path.

I am responded here with some hesitation l don’t want to muddy the OP’s waters further. I’m in my early 40s and discovered in my 30s that l was bi. I would say I’m equally attracted to both genders (right down the middle on the Kinsy Scale; Google it if interested, it’s an eye opener!) but l prefer to see myself as “sexual” without what l consider to be an uneccessary prefix.

I am just happy with who l am. I think any confusion the OP has will gently pass, if she just lets the tide take her and enjoys the journey.

Thank you for posting, not muddying the waters for me.

I would think I could be bi, as I have am sure I felt strong attraction to men for most of my life, except that now my thoughts are only about women. It’s mainly in an abstract way although sometimes about either of two particular women I know.

PS @StarlightLady, what led you to realise, If you don’t mind me asking?

I think you’re right I should just let the tide take me without overthinking.

OP, l think letting a gentle breeze carry you, but keeping your radar on is the best way forward.

In my case, someone made a play for me, but I’d hit 30 by the time l had made my discovery.

I’ve dropped you a PM.

also NC for this, as UN is outing.

Op, i am in my 30s too.
Lots of fantasising about women in my teens/early 20s.
Less so in my mid-late twenties.

Now have one DC and i am 33, the thoughts have come back with vengeance.

I am currently living with a man, but that's not stopped me from looking online for a female relationship - friendship to begin with and if it evolves, then see where it takes me.

I too have had some abusive relationships but I dont think that has any bearing on my feelings, my parents very open about sex and being gay absolutely a none issue.
Only think I can recall is my father coming across something about lesbian relationships on the Internet linked to me (think Facebook) around my age of 18, he was so "supportive" (when I didnt need him to be, and felt abit like my privacy was invaded, that I scared me right back into myself)

Interesting to hear another woman feels like myself! If my current relationship doesn't work out (and that a whole other story) then I would be looking to try things with another woman in the distant future.

Hi @Pinkrosesandtulips thank you very much for posting here. It is helpful to read about your experience too. You have a lot to balance there.

I feel fortunate that I am not in a relationship so there isn't that layer of complication.

I read back and the whole paragraph about looking online read wrong, I meant I have looked for people who feel the same way as me to connect with, and if in the future I was to become single, if things evolved then it would be interesting to see what came of it.

It is great you have the freedom to get yourself out there. Prehaps look into same sex dating online, be honest in you bio about some details of your past "previously been in relationships with men, but are coming to terms with feeling of attraction to women and would like to explore further"

Something along those lines? Try prehaps visiting guy bars, doesnt have to be clubbing, go in the day, order a drink and some food. Get chatting to the people behind the bar - get a feel for the overall experience. You don't have to jump right in and go full throttle, ease yourself in and see what comes of it.

For an insight into experience, when i was about 20, I had a boss who was gay, she ended up in a long term relationship with a woman who had been "straight and married" for 10 years and worked in the police force. They were together for 15 years or so, and the straight woman kept it quiet for a little while, before coming out as gay.

These things do happen...

Wishing you lots of luck op, try not to be confused, just see it as another dimension of your personality, and explore if you wish. X

Thank you so much again. I had understood what you meant from you saying further down that you might look into a relationship with a woman in the distant future if ever you weren't in your current relationship.

That's such a good idea about perhaps going to a gay bar for a drink and food in the daytime. I do find the whole thing daunting! I also think I genuinely am not looking for anything at the moment.

Also very interesting about your former boss's partner.