How to stop a 3 month old rocking and using dummy to sleep.

[SamHas]

Hi Guys. FTM here. I knw this topic has been mentioned alot, but i wanted to give some background of my sito. Son is 3 months and has had a dummy since a few weeks ( please dont judge).
He gets rocked to sleep and that takes 10 15 mins.
For naps i keep him downstairs in his swing. And at night in his cot ( his cot rocks aswell- probs where i have gone wrong)
Now I have a issue with his naps, because if his dummy falls out hel be awake, then he needs that back in and then needs rocking again-he cant self sooth himself.
Also at night because the cot rocks i put the dummy in and rock and he sleeps.
He does this approx every 20 mins 2 to 3x then hes ok.
My concern is how do I stop the rocking and dummy. I assume on separate occasions.
Sorry if I have rambled on. I just feel like iv failed him by not letting him learn to self soothe. And dont get much verbal support from mother- but thats a diff issue.
Secondly how shall I transition his naps to his cot aswell. Im nervous for that, esp with the fact he will keep needing his dummy and rocking back. Il be up and down all day.. Any Help.would be highly appreciated for his stressed out mama.
Thanks youuuuu.
( first time posting-nervous)

Probably an unpopular opinion but sometimes you just have to go through the pain of breaking the habit by refusing to reinforce it no matter how upset they get and how little sleep you get for a few days and nights.

I found my first was better with a swaddle. I had accidentally taught him to need rocking too.

There's a book called something like The No Cry Sleep Solution that's good. Old but good.

Do you actually want him to nap in his cot or do you just think that he should? It’s useful in lockdown but a ball ache once the world starts up again to have a baby who will ONLY sleep in a cot.
I can’t really work out how often he is waking overnight, but again is it causing you an issue? If not just leave things how they are. Self-soothing is largely developmental and babies learn at all different ages (like walking and talking).
Obviously if you are sleep deprived and it’s affecting your mental health etc then you need to do what works for you, but in general, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!
(I don’t know any adults who pop to their mums in the evening for a dummy / breastfeed / to be rocked to sleep.)

He's so young, I think what he's doing is perfectly normal for his age. He will learn to self soothe as he gets older, but I know with my three children, they were doing exactly this at 3 months.

So I think you may see things greatly improving over the next several weeks. And don't be remotely guilty about using a dummy - I foolishly swore while pregnant that I'd never use one, but they are a life saver for many mums, ma incluuded.

Sounds like you're doing a really good job looking after your little one I could have written this myself when mine was that age - thought I'd ruined it because someone told me the worst mistake they made was rocking their baby to sleep. DD used a dummy and was rocked to sleep. What I wish someone had told me was - they can't self sooth at that age, it's natural to sooth a baby. That's why we naturally rock them and shush them etc. They are programmed to want to be near us for survival instincts! When DD was about 6 months we roughly followed the No Cry Sleep Solution and before long she was able to go to bed herself.
Don't stress mama, you're LO is young and you're taking brilliant care of them

I'm sure some new mums will here here in a minute with some good modern advice (i'm old and a nana) but honestly, the baby is only 3 months old, thats like 90 days and you want him to 'self sooth'? blimey, give you and him a chance!, step back a little and try not to worry so much, your baby is still so little and if it comforts him to rock and have a dummy does it really matter? - i'm sure you are doing fine, and so is he , enjoy him!

I agree that he's so young, you sound like you're doing great. We only mastered cot naps at 9 months and I still rock/feed him to sleep now at 10 months. I don't mind doing it so I don't see the point of changing it at the moment.

Also dummies are shown to reduce the SIDS risk. We didn't use one as we never got around to trying it but definitely nothing to be ashamed of!

Don’t stop the dummy. There’s evidence they can prevent sids- taking it away once they have it increases risk.

Naps i wouldn’t worry about. They don’t last forever so who cares where and how they nap. Nothing worse than having to be at home every afternoon so they can nap in a cot.

Nights he will grow out of it. You’ll end up with half a dozen dummies in the cot and he’ll be able to grab one himself.

Fwiw dummies are a lifesaver when they are older..

He's still so tiny, he's a newborn until 12 weeks old. Let him have his funny and cuddles.

I've never met a 14yo that needs cuddling to sleep....

Worry about it later.

Your baby is really young and it sounds all very normal. There's nothing wrong with dummies for sleep - my 1yo still has one for all sleeps and is a great sleeper. However, at 3 months she was napping in my arms and being rocked to sleep at night. It was a necessary stage and didn't last forever.

And definitely don't go cold turkey on the dummy. Poor mite. He'll cry and squawk for it, because he needs it.

Oh, he’s still so tiny! Let him keep the dummy and just keep on with what you’re doing for now. He’ll grow so quickly and his sleep patterns will keep changing, you can make gradual changes when he’s a bit older.

Babies that age just generally don't self soothe. All of mine were fed or rocked to sleep (one had a dummy, I just shoved it back in and went back to sleep). They do grow out of it, but honestly, if you have something that works, I would run with it. 10-15 minutes of rocking several times a night beats 1-2 hours of something else that doesn't work. Ultimately, you get more sleep and that's what matters. They don't just magically 'self soothe' because you take away anything that might give them comfort.

He's a tiny baby evolved to be totally dependent on you. Expecting him to self soothe is unrealistic - he doesn't have the cognitive skills to do that yet, all he knows is that from an evolutionary viewpoint, suckling and rocking means safety because mum is nearby

If it is killing you, you don't have to keep doing it, even if others would.

Libby Purves wrote a book I loved called "How not to be the perfect mother." In it she said something like I would lay down my life for my children but I don't see why I should have to do that every day

If you are not happy then make the changes, even if every other mother on your timeline claims they would do something different.

Consider your own mental health. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

All the same don't catastrophise and make false hurdles for yourself.

Definitely keep the dummy, Ds have his up at 18 months

I still push ds out for a nap in the push chair or drive him round in the car at nearly 3. In the evening I cuddle him until he falls asleep. Not ideal but it means everyone gets the maximum amount of sleep and least amount of stress. I have been assured by many people I won’t still be doing these things when he’s 16.

This is just a tiny baby doing what they need to do please don't see it as a problem or a bad habit you need to break.

Whoever told you that your tiny three-month-old should be able to self-soothe is talking absolute cobblers. He was in your belly 12 weeks ago, being rocked as you went about your day. His dummy is not only a comfort but also potentially giving him some protection from SIDS.

Absolutely agree with everyone elses advice. Please don't believe all of the books and the internet pages with 'should be able to do XYZ at this age', these bits of advice (or let's call them lies) are why so many new mums feel confused, stressed, low, incapable etc. Your baby is still very very little and your relationship with them is still very new, your still figuring each other out and what the hell your meant to be doing!!

There have been a few campaigns around not being able to 'spoil' a baby with cuddles and rocking and affection as this is exactly what they need. They need to feel secure in their relationships to then be able to go on and do things independently much.later.on. take a breather and trust your instincts, you sound like you are doing his that they need right now xxxx

Keep the dummy, ditch the rocking.

Thank youuu soo much everyone. its stuff im reading online " 3 month old should not not have sleep associations and stop the rocking, swing, dummy...etc..." Also MIL giving her " advise ".
Im sooo glad i came on here..thank you for reassuring me. and some comments made me giggle- well needed..thank you

remember these main things:

1- you can't love, cuddle, hold or talk to a baby too much They can't be spoiled! Plus if an adult came up to you and said "I really need a cuddle." - you'd do that immediately and rightly so. So why deny a little baby a cuddle when they want one???

2- Babies haven't read the books - your baby will do things when they're ready, do what feels right to you.

3- Don't listen to unsolicited advice! Parents and GPs are the WORST for saying shit like "Is your 2 week old not on solids yet? I put you on Mars Bars by then, and you're fine!" or they misremember "Oh yes, You definitely were potty trained by 7 weeks, honestly your child is 6 months old now, sort it out!" or "Oh, she's 3 days old? When are you going to put her on the bottle, BFing isn't natural" ... all sorts of bollocks.

He's so tiny. Just follow your own instincts op. Mine didn't get rid of their dummy til they were 2 years old, and a 3 month old is supposed to wake up .. that's what little babies do!

well, you learn something new everyday! I had no idea about dummies and SIDS. This is why I am a perfect nana and always tell my dd and son in law to ask their HV these things

hahaa 00100001 you are so right about parents and thier theories...Honestly it is shocking the things they come out with.
Thanks again..feel soo much better.

Anyone have a link to The No Cry Sleep Solution info? That would be really handy x