Just screamed my head off at the children and I feel like shit

[dontdressme]

They’re 7 and 9. I’m exhausted. They sleep in my room every night because they prefer it to their own rooms. The 7yo is a night owl and won’t sleep until gone 10, whatever I try. Then the next day I have to drag her out of bed for school while she whines and moans about how tired she is.
I’m exhausted from work and lockdown and everything and had just fallen asleep tonight (an hour ahead of the UK here) when she woke me up whinging. I’ve just screamed my head off at them both for 5 minutes. I feel desperate. It’s like having a baby but they should be old enough to reason with. I’m exhausted. I feel like the worst mum in the world. But I just can’t cope with this any more. I’m exhausted.

So much for my early night after a bad night last night. I’ve just had enough and I don’t know what to do.

Oh no that sounds so tough

Can you give them an incentive to sleep in their rooms? Or have them share a room if they don’t already?

And tell DD that she can stay awake if reading but absolutely nothing else (that may make her eyes tired).

You poor thing. Honestly, it's the absolute worst being bone soakingly exhausted. Draw those lines in the sand. They MUST sleep in their rooms. They just must. Maybe they can share a bedroom, in case they find being alone in a room difficult. Bed at 8. Lights out by 9. But they must let you sleep! They must give you your own sleeping space and head space or else you'll just snap and fall into poor health. They're young. But they're not babies.

You need to evict them from your bedroom.

First of all they need to sleep in their own rooms. You are the parent, tell them. They don't have a choice. Being a parent is hard, being a parent in lockdown is harder and your rest and some time alone are important.

Don’t worry.

Ive been snappy all day and then ranted a fair bit at 4 year old this afternoon. Threw in the word shit as in- “I KNOW everything’s shit when mummy has to work but please would you STOP DRAGGING ON THE BLASTED CURTAINS”.

And then I cried.

I’m wfh in high pressure role; he’s at nursery 3 days a week and is really not happy at home the other 2 (because I’m working) and it all got too much today.

Tomorrow’s another day- apologise to the kids, be honest with them about your feelings and why you lost it, and move on. get an early night, or several in a row- fuck whatever you can’t do because of it- and give yourself a break x

They need to be in their own room or in a room together.

You’re not a bad mum. You’re just a mum. Everyone reaches a breaking point.

Time for tough love op.
One of my dc has recently joined the army and sleep deprivation was one of the first tactics used in initial training to weed out the non committed..
No tech, lots of chores to keep busy, long walks, no happy carefree days without repercussions whilst they have you on your knees. They are imo old enough to know you need sleep. And alone in your own beds all of you..

I promise you you will not be the only mother who has done this. We all have our breaking points cabs today you reached yours. It’s tough being a parent and these times have made it harder.
As pp have said them sleeping in your room has got to stop. You need your room for your own space. You cannot function as a happy mum without a good nights sleep.
This may have been the catalyst to change things. Use it to your advantage, sit them down and apologise for shouting. But make them aware that you are at breaking point, and from tonight things are going to have to change so you don’t break completely.
Good luck op.

I love them so much and I just want them to feel safe and loved. That certainly didn’t happen tonight

I had a serious talk this morning about how important it was to let me relax in the evening and if that didn’t happen they wouldn’t be allowed to sleep in my room any more. Then this.

The most annoying thing is that DD plays up because she’s tired. If she could just get to sleep earlier she’d be a lot happier. Half the reason she won’t listen to me is because she’s tired.

I’ve always tried to talk to them like adults (within reason obvs) and I try to be quite strict but it just doesn’t seem to have any effect. I also feel bad for DS because he’s such a good boy and then he gets screamed at too.

Your children must sleep in their own rooms. This is beyond ridiculous at their ages and this torture will never stop until they are in their own beds. Tell them in the morning that from now on, they are in their own rooms for bed.

One of my dc has recently joined the army and sleep deprivation was one of the first tactics used in initial training to weed out the non committed..

I won’t be joining the army that’s for sure

Thank you for all the lovely replies. I still feel like I’ve maybe broken something that can’t be fixed though. But then, I’m lonely, anxious, stressed and overworked so it’s probably not as bad as it feels right now.

Thank you @Aquamarine1029 you are quite right. It was fine when it worked but it’s no longer working for me.

Uh ... forgot to say re: sleep. DS still bedshares and wakes up at 5am every morning (then paws me, talks to me, jumps on me, shouts at me...) until I wake up (usually properly awake around 6.30.... I just... doze through the assault for 90 mins.

This is particularly painful as I don’t generally get to bed until 1am most nights (workload...) ... so 4 hours sleep a night... maybe... 4 or 5 nights out of 7? 6–7 hours the other nights. Occasionally go to bed when DS does at 8pm and sleep through.

The difference in my mental health and patience when I’ve had sleep is astonishing.

More sleep is my gift to myself post-pandemic- if I have to change careers I’ll do it. But don’t underestimate the impact of sleep deprivation.

Op making them sleep in their own rooms does not mean the wont feel loved!

They are not learning to be considerate and you are making you life much harder than it needs to be.

Tell DD new bedtime rules, go to brush teeth at 8pm, story, hugs until 8. 30 pm. Tuck in and go, she can read quietly (kindle?) untill sleepy but must not make noise or come out.
When she inevitably does come out and breaks rules, take he by the hand and say, 'bedtime' and lead her back say nothing else. Repeat repeat repeat, it may take many times and you must not engage, chat, discuss or lose your cool.
Lead her back if she wakes you in the night in just the same way.

After a tough few nights she will have got the message, same with other Dc.

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Put them in their own rooms. Give them a bedtime at LEAST two hours before you go to sleep. Get up at the same time everyday and get them fed and into the sunshine. It will be better.

Apologise for shouting.

I also think you need to recognise that the reason things have gone this far is because you took the gentle road for an easy life. When our kids kick off, whinge, have a tantrum, etc, of course it's easier to just let them get their way, but that method always leads to disaster, and that's where you are now. You may indeed have some rough nights ahead in making them sleep in their own beds, but you must power through it and not give in. They are not babies anymore. Any kicking off is just a way to manipulate you.

As for wanting them to feel safe and loved, of course you do and I assure you they already feel that way. However, as parents, we also have to nurture their independence and self-reliance. This can't possibly happen if they are still sleeping in your bed at their ages. It simply isn't healthy for their development, and it's a disaster for your well-being.

Ah OP it’s grim. I’m right there with you. I’ve told my children to shut up several times during this lock up and now my DS parrots it back to me. I feel terrible. I am in a stressful and “senior” and I am bloody exhausted.
This too shall pass.

Nothing to add but to send sympathy. You are doing your best under difficult circumstances. I agree talk to them about it in the day time and explain why and they have to go to their own rooms. Get some audio books for stories,after they've been tucked in if they are still not tired this worked for me. Its not OK for him to jump on you at 5.30am. He can listen to audio books in his room until its up time. This will pass. You will get through it. Be kind to yourself x

DS still bedshares and wakes up at 5am every morning (then paws me, talks to me, jumps on me, shouts at me...) until I wake up (usually properly awake around 6.30.... I just... doze through the assault for 90 mins.

Are you actually insane? Put that bloody child in his own room and bloody well tell him to get to sleep! Jesus. He’s four years old and you’re already letting him literally walk all over you. Please put him in his own room, tell him to stay there and get yourself a decent amount of sleep.

I totally understand the sleep issues and lack of sleep. My Dd age 5.5 has a lot of sleep problems, between her and ds age 3 I think i havent had as much as a week of sleeping thru fire 3.5yrs. I think you need to get them in their own rooms. They could share. Get them involved in making it nice, however they want it. Bribe them shamelessly. And then work on an age appropriate bedtime. If this is a struggle, I suggest looking up bedtime tokens as a technique to try. I'm happy to talk you thru it if you want. Also I find my Dd sleeps much worse if we've had TV anytime after tea, so perhaps bear in mind.

Also agree with audio books or quiet music. Set them up with a cd player in their new room.

Honestly lockdown with kids is just relentless...you need some time alone in the evenings and at night. They are old enough to understand that. Tell them you love them and love spending time with them but mummy is very tired at the moment and needs some quiet time. They need to sleep in their own rooms..if you need to bribe them, do it.

I know that you feel guilty for shouting but it isn't the end of the world. Children do need to hear 'no' and learn to be considerate to everyone including parents.

Try not speaking to them like adults. When you do that they try to negotiate things with you. They aren’t adults. Get them told. End of.

As above posters have basically said use super Nanny tactics. Return Interlopers to their own bed no matter if a hundred times.

You’ll get there. You must get control of them while they are small. If you leave it until they are big they are too heavy to return to bed unless you are very strong!

Good luck. You’re doing your best in difficult times. You will succeed