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Ex refusing to see our children

17 replies

85sarah · 23/06/2020 16:46

Hi all,

This week I left an abusive relationship with my partner. I've been living with a narcissist with terrifying rages. We could never have anything nice in the house as he would break things. He would scream at me, mock me, spit, shake me. I often had to literally run out of the house and go to my parents house, staying there for days with nothing but the clothes on our backs, or lock me and the kids in the car while he smashed holes in walls and broke furniture. We have a 6 month old and a 5 year old. Our 5 year old just started school, and the night before he flew in to a rage. I took my babies out of bed and went to my parents. I don't want our children to be afraid ever again. I ended the relationship and he has flown to another city to stay with his sister. I gave him all my savings to go and leave us so he wouldn't sell all of my furniture. Last night he text me to say he will do anything to save his family. Can we work things out....He would even get help with his anger. I said no.... this has gone on for too long and I won't put our kids or me through all this again. Then he said he wants absolutely no contact with us ever again and he will show me how cold he can be. My daughter Miss 5 loves her father. They are close and she worships her Dad. She is already struggling and sad about Daddy not living at home. She crys for Dad before she falls asleep and talks about him non stop. I thought he would try and keep contact with his own children at least. I'm glad to see the back of such a hurtful man but what can I say to my kids if he won't see them again.

OP posts:
omg35 · 23/06/2020 17:07

I reckon you haven't heard the last of him. Abusive men don't back off that easily. More likely he'll try and get back in your good books or try to scare you that he'll take the kids away. Document everything and tell your child we can't see daddy at the moment and don't get drawn into the reasons why.

Carlottacoffee · 23/06/2020 17:09

Bloody hell he has done you a favour. Your little one might love her dad but he is bad news. You don’t want him near here

Unfortunately I don’t think this will be the last of him.

Lonecatwithkitten · 23/06/2020 17:10

Well done for staying strong, he tried pleading and then used the children to try and bring you back under his control and you stood strong in your resolve.
Flying into rages and smashing the house up is abuse - emotional and verbal abuse none of you should have to live with this.
His relationship with your children is his responsibility if he doesn't want to pursue that it is not on you. If he has these terrible rages really any contact should be supervised to protect the children.
Build a new life for your children and yourself.

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Fanthorpe · 23/06/2020 17:17

I would be very cautious, if he’s violent and unpredictable I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to have access to the children at all.

I think you’ve done the right thing by getting away from him. Make sure you have a way of escaping or summoning help quickly. I’d be thinking of getting an injunction if I were you. Make it official.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 23/06/2020 17:21

Seriously - from the way you describe him this sounds like the best thing! Keep evidence of his abusiveness, any threats and his texts about not wanting to see the children in case he turns and starts threatening to take you to court for access. And the 5 year old probably does love him. Children are primed to love their parents at that age - its one of the reasons why being abusive in the way he was is one of the biggest breaches of trust there is. But, if he was prepared to rant and rage while you and your terrified children hid in the car he is the opposite of what she needs.

Soubriquet · 23/06/2020 17:26

He’s hoping you will go running and begging for him to come back.

Don’t do this

I know your dd does miss her dad, but ultimately it’s safer for everyone if she just misses him instead of exposed to his violent behaviour

WentworthPrison · 23/06/2020 17:27

Save all messages incase he later claims you kept the children from him. Don't respond now.

ZacklySo · 23/06/2020 17:37

@Fanthorpe

I would be very cautious, if he’s violent and unpredictable I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to have access to the children at all.

I think you’ve done the right thing by getting away from him. Make sure you have a way of escaping or summoning help quickly. I’d be thinking of getting an injunction if I were you. Make it official.

Agree with all of this. Please keep yourself and the children safe!
Ladybyrd · 23/06/2020 17:43

I agree with PPs. As hard as this is for your daughter, a 5 year old child is primed to love their parent and completely incapable of seeing their shortcomings. I wouldn't want to leave her alone with him.

You haven't created this situation. He doesn't sound like a narcissist. He sounds like an animal. As hard as it may be to see your daughter upset, I wouldn't want her anywhere near him.

And saying he will "even" address his anger issues - that should be the bare minimum! Please don't let him guilt you into letting him back in. This would not be a good thing for you or your children.

WatchingFromTheWings · 23/06/2020 17:59

I wouldn't be allowing access to the kids with him behaving like that. If he does decide he wants to see them, tell him to take you to court.

Isthisfinallyit · 23/06/2020 18:00

You can't make him be a good dad so forget it.

Purpleartichoke · 23/06/2020 18:12

This is a good thing. The fact that children will still love their abusers is a large part of why the abuse is so damaging.

Keep copies of all communication and get a solicitor ASAP. Next time he is violent, call the police. Without an official report it may be hard to protect the children from him in the future.

megletthesecond · 23/06/2020 18:16

Don't contact him anymore. Keep his messages saying he no longer wants contact.
Call the police every single time he kicks off or harasses you. With a bit of luck he'll get bored and stop bothering you soon.

Sally872 · 23/06/2020 18:19

He is using your children to try and worm his way back in. It is sad he won't see them, but your dd is far better off without him even if she doesn't realise it.

You have done the right thing. Stay strong.

afinetoothcomb · 23/06/2020 18:30

Don't force a relationship between him and your DC. My DD hasn't seen her dad for 8 years (his choice). In the early days it was tough, lots of tears particularly at bedtime, but she's older now and very rarely mentions him and when she does, she's very matter of fact. He sounds like he won't add anything to your DC's life other than abuse and fear.

85sarah · 23/06/2020 20:26

Thanks everyone. That's a huge help. My kids deserve a safe home. I wish I left sooner. I hope that with me and love and support from my own amazing parents these kids will get everything they need. Time to heal

OP posts:
CrazyDuchess · 23/06/2020 20:28
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