Does everybody have crappy friends?

[FluffyKittensinabasket]

Or is it just me?

I’m having a difficult time at the moment, my friends know this and none of them bother to message me back. One of my friends just messaged me a sad face in response when I messaged saying I was having a tough day.

DH is working away so I’m on my own. Everyone knows that but it feels like nobody can be bothered with me.

What are they normally like? Until a couple of weeks ago I would have been in that bucket because we were trying to home school, look after a preschooler and do our FT jobs all simultaneously. I didn’t know which way was up and I was heading for a complete breakdown. Since the DC are back with the childminder I have so much more headspace for everything else and have got in touch with people I’d come close to neglecting. But they’re nearly all in the place I was and nobody thinks the worse of each other for it.

DelurkingAJ - that’s a good point, they may be busy with their own stuff. Tbh they aren’t that great normally!

Are you there for them normally including when your dh is home, or do you just need them when he’s away?
Just checking because if it’s above then you need to consider how to be a better friend and understand it goes both ways - however if you are normally there for them too then I’d say they’re not very nice friends and you’d be better off without them and focus on yourself and what you can do to feel better. Maybe write a list of things you want to do / learn / places to go / things to create etc?
Hope you feel better soon

I think I’m a good friend - one friend has being having work issues and mental health issues and I’ve always been there for video chats and hopefully helpful advice.

Another friend who I have been there for with relationship problems for many years - she now has a new boyfriend who seems to have moved in and I’ve gone from many Whatsapps a day to 0 per day!

Another friend has two small children so I get she is busy. But I’ve always been a helpful ear to her.

It’s not like I’m phoning them up crying - I send one message saying something like “feeling a bit fed up because of this...” and then nothing back.

I hear you OP. I find that a lot of people are very wrapped up in themselves, and aren't really interested in what's going on for other people other than that at a superficial level. I know exactly what you mean about the sad face response, and it's just not enough when you want a real emotional connection. I have taken a step back from people like this, or maybe just keep them as good time friends, people to have fun with, not to seek emotional support from. I think you can have different types of friends, and managing your expectations of what they can offer you is important. Not easy when you're struggling though I know

I had crappy friends and it was causing me a lot of sadness wondering why they didn't care about ke the way I cared about them. Everything was one sided and I was putting in all the effort. My partner at the time said, gently,that although I considered them as best friends to them I was just a peripheral friend. Once the penny dropped, I stopped contacting them and quietly slipped away. Not had a single message in 10 years! It has been much less stressful to lose them as friends as it was to have them as friends but not get anything back.

I suspect I am the crappy friend, 'cos mine are awesome and are accepting of the fact I am rubbish. If all your mates are crappy, you may need to find new ones.

What do you actually want from them, though? And what is making your life so tough? is it something they can practically help with or advise on, or are you just looking for a sympathetic ear? If so, I would actually say that 'Could I call you for ten or fifteen minutes at around 6, or at a time of your choosing, to vent about X?'

If someone sent me that message in the middle of my working day DH is also working from home, and as my job is less meeting-heavy, I'm doing most of the homeschooling for DS , and we're all sharing the same tiny living space of a temporary rental after a house purchase broke down because of Coronavirus I would glance at it distractedly and wonder what you actually wanted from me.

It would not mean I considered you any less of a friend, but I have my own tough stuff going on, and I don't have the time or energy at the moment to wonder what someone means by open-ended messages about things being tough.

One or two good friends. One friend I listened to her issues 3 times a week for a year. Opened up about find problems I was having -she just said oh sorry to hear that then nothing.

In Lockdown I heard it's been tough for her but I couldn't find anything else to give her, as was struggling myself.

I really think that true, equal friendships can be just as hard to find as romantic relationships. I'd say I've had one true friend in my life. I have friends now, I care for them and they care for me, in a way. But realistically, when I really needed someone, I had no one. So I have taken a step back. I have other people in life I'm close to, my sister and adult DC, and it's just easier this way. No expectations and I just focus on myself and my family.