Toddler up all night

[PassTheAfterEights]

Coming to the end of my rope with 15month old DS and sleep.

He slept through from about 10 days to 4 months, when he was hungrier and started waking every 2h through the night to BF. This tailed off - very slowly - to about 3/4h stretches by 1y with breastfeeds in between, and felt we were moving in the right direction at the right time, but for the last two months have been in absolute hell and no idea what else to try.

He sleeps 7.15pm for 4h (often with a wake up and quick resettle at 2h point) then has a dream feed 11.30pm-12.30am ish, resettles immediately. Then wakes 01.30, mostly in a great mood and essentially looking to start his day, and will not go back to sleep with cuddles (just me or just DH or combination of both) / feeds / soothing words / no words at all / teething pain relief / co-sleeping / pick-up-put-down / replace dummy and firm "go to sleep" / sitting by cot with hand on his back / being left to scream. He can scream consistently for 35 minutes, by which time he's choking on saliva and I literally can't let it go on longer. It's 4am and he's been at it three hours now; I'm in another room returning infrequently to give his dummy back and lie him down. He'll doze a bit then startle awake, stand straight up and if not met with a pick up or cuddle starts crying and screaming.

We have tried everything for several days consecutively, not comfort one minute and controlled crying the next. I've withheld feeds, upped feeds, dropped to one nap because he absolutely won't go down in his cot for a second (but seriously doubt at this point he is ready to drop since he is now only scratching 12h sleep on a good day, so having to work a random drive somewhere into the afternoon to try to get him to sleep more in the day... didn't mind this one bit when he was a newborn but we really don't have the bandwidth in daily life as a family to be driving around wasting time and fuel at this point).

He is very happy in the day, stimulated and busy, very affectionate, has a good routine, eats well, loves bath time and goes to sleep no problem after bed time routine almost always. Pretty sure he's not under tired and have ruled out teething / walking etc because this has simply gone on consistently for so long.

I can't go on like this, getting 3-5 hours a night every night for two months. I feel absolutely ruined, aching, living on sugar, zombified, look and feel like shit and have to manage a small business and keep the house vaguely running, so no sleeping when he sleeps / early nights, as well as raise him, zero energy for anything else (like keeping in touch with friends!), and failing at the whole fucking lot right now.

DH is in the same boat and being amazing but under a lot more work pressure. Every other babe in our NCT group sleeps through and just can't work out why ours won't.

Any thoughts or advice would be v gratefully received. x

Try one thing and stick at it not jumping around from thing to thing

Is he in a bed yet?

Poor you.

It's hard when they don't sleep.

You say a dream feed at 11:30 - do you nean he isn't waking for this? If so cut it out. Try thicker nappies too...it sounds like maybe he feeds then wees at 1:30 which wakes him.

Secondly....this weekend....if you can....go and stay away for at least 1 night if possible 2. - dad can sort baby. You can top up your sleep bank. Sometimes just changing the routine is enough to make a change. Your milk won't dry up over night (pop back in the day for a feed). LO is eating so won't suffer with missing a couple of BFs. Promise Dad he can do the same next weekend. Just try it..... (yes I know lock down etc etc....but this is needed to keep you well. Lack of sleep is really hard.)

Poor you, I have a 15 month old too and it's exhausting

I second what @Mumdiva99 says. Drop that dream feed, he doesn't need it, it's habit. Is he hot in his room?

I'd also go to one nap a day. I had to do this at 11 months because I was up 5/6 times a night BF and I was on my knees. I had to bring it forward, so I was doing 'lunch' at 10.30 and putting him down at 11. Gradually stretching the morning out. He goes down at 12-12.30 now for his nap and bedtime at 6. It's tough though

We still have bad nights and he's currently taken to waking at 5am every morning (4.30 this morning!) but I think that's because he's hot.

Ha ha I also wake at 4:30....not hot it's just the sun arises which seems to wake me....i sympathise with all these babies. But while I can browse mumsnet they need adults to give them attention.

(My 3 are much older now.....it does get easier. Honestly).

He’s having lots of attention and fun. No wonder he’s choosing not to sleep. Either you choose indulgence and don’t sleep or you teach him nighttime is for sleeping and you all end up happier and healthier.
No feeding.
Blackout blinds.
Nice bedtime routine.
Go in and say it’s time for sleep repeatedly, if you can’t just shut the door.
Don’t pick up, don’t carry around don’t reward or engage with playfulness.

I'm also thinking you need to ditch the dream feed. There is absolutely no need for it at this age. He should be getting everything he needs from food now in the day and let's be honest, it's not really working is it if he's awake for the day an hour and a half afterwards!

I second a black out blind/curtains at this time of year. I also wouldn't waste time on a second nap. If anything, I'd be shortening naps. If he can survive on this little sleep, he doesn't need longer naps. My youngest dropped all day time naps completely at 18 months. Not every toddler needs to be sleeping for three hours a day. I'd say let him nap for an hour maximum. Is he a confident walker? How much are you all getting out to be active at the moment? I'd be taking him out to walk as long as physically possible in the evenings before bed time. Physically wear him out.

You do need to take the night in shifts like others have said. One night is dads to deal with him and you sleep and vice versa or whatever way works for you both. You do also need to let everything else go to shit for a while. Let the house be a mess, even let yourself be a mess. Do the absolute bare minimum and just do what you need to survive. I worked evenings for three years when my kids were little and I lived on naff all sleep in that time. They were dark days and a lot did slide in that time, including myself and my marriage. But both have come out the other side now.

Definitely ditch the dream feed. Then at least you'll be able to go to sleep at 7 and sleep for 6.5 hours (hopefully) until he wakes.

Have you tried co sleeping?

Never came back here to thank you all SO MUCH. To my absolute shame. I did drop the night feeds and it worked in two days. No crying and no fuss. Beyond grateful, thank you!