I don’t have a bond with my son.

[Mummypig2020]

I know I’m a disgusting human to even think like this.

My ds is 10. He’s hard work anyway, as in he likes to whine and moan a lot.

When ds was born I was 19 and I already had a 18 month old. My mum was diagnosed with cancer when I was 21 weeks pregnant and she died when he was 6 weeks old.

I ended up with extremely bad PND which I tried to get help for when he was 6 months old.

I was in an abusive relationship with their dad which I left when they were 4&5.

We are now a happy family with my Dh and another child. My older two adore Dh, they don’t see their “dad”.
Iv really struggled to bond with ds. I don’t know if it’s from the pnd. But I don’t feel the maternal love as much as I do to my youngest. The love I feel for her (situation was different and I had no PND) makes me feel so guilty.

I dread when he comes home from school because the whining will start. He moans constantly. When he’s happy he’s absolutely amazing and makes me laugh so much. He’s so cleaver and smart too. His teacher says he’s gifted , especially in maths.

I do love him. I just don’t feel the way I should do. But I also feel massive guilt and fear he will know. I don’t think he does? I don’t treat them differently.

We cuddle a lot while watching tv etc.

I just don’t know what to do. Iv never ever spoken to anyone, I couldn’t.

I want to have a close relationship with all my Dc.

I suffer with mental health issues still (not PND) and I fear I’m messing them all up. I am a shouty mum, but not in an aggressive way, just when they don’t listen for the 5th time.

I’m a horrible person.

You are NOT a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn't care that they felt this way and would make their feelings obvious to their child.
I think you need to talk to a professional. Maybe start with your GP?

You say you couldn't talk to anyone but you've taken the 1st step here. If you tell your GP you think you're still affected by pnd they can point you in the right direction for help. You are being a good parent to address this

I was recently diagnosed with bpd and are on mood stabilisers.

Dont want to read and run. I genuinely have no experience in this, but I can tell you just from reading your post you are not what so ever a horrible person, you a person that is hurting and needs to not be so harsh on yourself! You arent doing these things deliberately and you cant blame yourself for the way you feel, if anything I think your incredibley brave to be able to continue raising your child despite the circumstances and the loss you've endured. You've been through so much and whilst you was battling to come out of the other end of it for your son who was taking care of you? The fact in itself like you said your son is bright, smart and genuinely happy goes to show you havent failed as a mum or as a person and I'm not saying these things to try and make you feel better this is the honest truth, and it speaks for itself. The only thing I do worry for is your mental state, if you continue to beat yourself up despite how well you think your hiding this your son will pick up on it. Children and very suseptable to their parents mood and feelings even if we think were being discreet. It's not fair on the both of you. Please try and talk to someone, whether it be a counsellor or someone close to you who you feel comfortable with sharing this. It may just help getting real life support and speaking it out loud if you havent already done so. Looking at the bigger picture of this post it's clear its not your son your struggling with but the issues you faced whilst having him and consequently this is reflecting and getting in the way of your relationship and the way you see him. Dont feel afraid to address your problems. I truly wish you all the best, and please be kind to yourself you have been through so much and you are an amazing mum just to be still standing and seeking help x

Are you overthinking this and therefore being too hard on yourself?

You say you love your son, have cuddles in front of the tv etc (which is the important thing), and from what I can see the only issue is you dislike the fact that he moans and complains so much, which makes him difficult to like at times.

My ds was an awful moaner and so negative for a couple of years (12-14)). Nothing was ever right! It was hard work being around him and although I love ds and dd equally, I preferred her company at that time. And that's okay

Hopefully your ds will grow out of this gripey, moaning phase as mine did