My friend trying to force a friendship between our kids.

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I have a lovely friend, she’s really great. Her friendship means a lot to me and that’s made the following extremely awkward.

We met through school a few years ago and have same age sons. While it would be so convenient for them to be great friends, they just aren’t. They are now 10. Her son is very socially awkward to the point I think there’s more to it, teachers have tried to talk to her, her GP has tried to mention it, but she just has a blind spot. Asks to move classes, feels there’s a huge group of mean kids bullying him etc, when in actual fact he’s very full on and aggravates other kids until they lash out at him. I’ve seen it happen. And I think the teachers are trying to help her see he has issues, but she blames them as being unprofessional. He really doesn’t get social cues at all. Having him visit is really exhausting. He breaks things and just doesn’t listen. Went through my bedroom drawers, took food repeatedly after being asked to stop. At my son’s birthday party at a venue, he stole from the shop. He’s very in people’s personal space, touching them and making loud noises at them. It seems like a behavioural issue.

I’m sympathetic as I don’t think he can help it, and my son is really pretty tolerant and open, but they just have nothing in common, and struggle to really play or interact together in a fun way. It’s very forced. He’s expressed to me that he doesn’t want any more play dates with this kid, but the problem is, they don’t stop asking. She’s told me her son calls mine his best friend. She invites my son over often. She wants them to join a sports team together and has offered to take them both so I don’t have to.

I say we’re busy, we can’t commit to more sports, etc. I ask her to catch up without the kids instead because I do want to be friends. I just feel that the kids are getting too old to have their friendships engineered like this, and that he needs help with his behaviour first. I think life could be easier for him with some interventions! But I could never say this because it would terribly upset her and people more knowledgeable than me have tried and failed.

I know she’s trying to help him have a social life but I don’t know that I can force my son to be it when he really doesn’t want to.

I’ve asked my son to include him at school in their games, and he says he does but the boy declines in order to read his book. I want my son to be compassionate and kind, but I also feel he does have the right to choose who he wants to hang out with within reason? But then it must be so hard to have your child feeling friendless? And I want to stay friends with her.

Can anyone relate? What did you do?

I do think she’ll confront me at some point and I need to know what to say!

This is so difficult and hard for all those involved. I guess as mothers our first priorities are to our children. Perhaps you can gently inform her that although your son is pleased x would like to be friends with him, he doesn’t feel they have much in common. It’s a shame she lacks insight into her sons needs and challenges as there is a whole world he could fit into and meet other children similar to him. Mothers with children with SEN needs are experts when it comes to tips and advice that could assist her. Unfortunately her coming to terms with her son difficulties is not something she may appreciate you helping her with.

Yes, you cannot force children’s friendships. I think you are going to have to have an honest conversation with your friend that your son is struggling as they don’t have much in common. Be prepared you may lose the friendship with her but it’s not fair on your son.

Sorry, no advice but I do agree with you! However, it must be heartbreaking for the friend. It sounds like she needs to get some help for her son but she’s in denial. Very tricky situation.

You can tell her no and tell her why, using concrete specific examples. You gave plenty of details in your OP. Tell her a few of those.

You're not doing her any favours by not telling her outright.

This is tough. But I think I would tell her the truth when she asked. Explain that sometimes children just don't click and your son feels this is the case. When she asks why, explain the aggressive actions of her son and tell her this makes it unpleasant to socialise with him. She needs to know. She may then start listening to professionals

I don’t think this friendship will survive. 😢

OP possibly the friendship won't survive if she is so determined that her son is not struggling socially in this way that she is impossible to reason with and ignores tactful refusals.

But I think your son should be your priority here, he sounds like a nice lad, including your friend's DS in games at school.

It's a good lesson to learn that whilst we don't always have a choice (work, school etc), where possible we can choose who to spend our own time with rather than try and please everyone.

She isn't doing the boy any favours in ignoring his issues. Real world affirmation for your friend that there are actually problems with his behaviour could do him more good than making your son spend more time on someone aggressive and exhausting (even if not his fault). Just keep doing as you're doing and make sure DS is kind to him at school, parties and other times when they are thrown together and remember, her son's problems are not your or your DS's to solve.

I've had this. Just tell her your child is old enough to make his own mind up, and you don't micromanage his friendships anymore. If she is as lovely as you say, she will still be your friend. I am still friends, but our children are not.

Sounds very much like her son is on the spectrum. Those are traits of a child with autism. She really does need to get him assessed. However, it sounds like she's burying her head in the sand. Ultimately that is not your problem and you may have to face her gently with the truth and step back if she won't listen.

I agree with all the others I’m afraid.

I agree you really cannot engineer friendships between 10 year olds and your son shouldn't be forced to be friends with this boy. It actually sounds as if he has tried but your friends son preferred to do another activity (read). However I suspect someone will come along on this thread and accuse you of not being 'inclusive'. On MN it seems perfectly acceptable to force a child to befriend someone they dislike or have nothing in common with, invite a bully to their birthday party etc because to do otherwise is exclusionary which is madness in my opinion. As long as your son is polite to this boy and not actively unfriendly he is not compelled to do anything else.

There’s been an update.
My son came home yesterday and told me he’d spent the lunch hour sitting with this lad. He said: “You know how X doesn’t have any friends? I sat with him so he could chat about it.” 😢 I haven’t said anything at all to my son. I said: “what do you mean he doesn’t have friends, are you friends?” And my son said: “I’m the only one that talks to him, so I sat with him so he’d feel better. But tomorrow I really want to play tip, Mum”. It’s so sad!
My friend also texted me to say how cross she was with another Mum who she’s friends with and also has a son in the same grade. She’d asked to Mum to have her son play with hers (as in approach him at school and include him) and this Mum had said no, she wasn’t going to ask that of him because he didn’t want to. She is hurt that the woman “didn’t use her parental influence” to get her son to play with hers. And said that’s typical because her kids lead they way and get everything they want.
So clearly, my argument that the kids can choose their own friends will not go well. And I don’t see why she is blaming everyone around her son without thinking he needs help as the common denominator. She knows he needs friends but doesn’t seem to know why?
She asked we take her son for the day, 8 hours, in the holiday in a swap. I can’t do it. I have another child and a toddler. She’s said: just pop on a movie for them, it will be fine. That’s not the reality of it at all, he needs constant supervision. Could he be completely different at home?

I’ve unfairly blamed my son saying that the combination of the boys is too high energy for me to manage 4 of them, one who needs silence for two naps in a day. I’ve suggested we all meet as a family group outdoors on a weekend l. I don’t know what else to do, she just doesn’t see it!

Meanwhile the little guy is struggling.

This woman is failing her child in her denial. All the time she try’s to distract and divert is another day, month, year that she is not getting support for him. A child who is lashing out is clearly emotionally distressed.

It’s almost as if she has to reach her own rock bottom / crisis before she takes action.

You and your DS are kind, generous and respectful people but be careful not to collude with her as this is detrimental to the child.

I would find some simple words, backed up with some examples of why she should be looking for support. She might well blow up at you and the friendship might flounder temporarily but it is the right thing to do.

Are they Y5 or Y6? Is it likely they will be going to the same secondary school? That's a very good opportunity to put some distance between you if they are, or a natural end point to an association if not.

I'd probably go middle ground with how much detail to give. So I would say, "I've asked ds and he isn't keen at the moment." But I wouldn't give details of her ds' behaviour being problematic unless specifically asked.

I think she is being cheeky asking for lengthy childcare for a challenging kid though when you haven't offered.

Oh God, this resonates. My child is only just about to turn 5 and she actually asks often if we could visit this boy but he clearly has some kind of a behavioural problem and the mum is in denial and bitches to me about other mums when they have decided to leave and say something in the lines of the host being tired and not playing very well.
Last time we visited, he punched me in my back, pushed my one year old in a face and pulled a necklace from my DD neck which left a pinprick bruise.
He is a bit behind in development in some regards and might pick up in the coming years but it's just exhausting trying to keep my kids safe.
Then again I have another friend with an ASD son and I know how it would feel if nobody wanted to play with your child because of occasional agression so I do make a conscious effort to get together with my friend and her child. It just ends up being a lot less than she would like.
I have also been quite blunt with my friend in the past and suggested he might have adhd. She has been to some tests and goes to a speech therapist with him now but she thinks it's not necessary and was extremely upset and cried when a doctor said the boy is unable to concentrate.

I have a similar problem (though friend's child now has diagnosis of Aspergers). It's really hard, because you can't force them to be friends. DS is polite and nice to the other child but doesn't voluntarily want to go out of his way to play with them when this means missing out on time with his friends. I don't know what the answer is either.