Having another child - balancing act

[WingingIt101]

Evening all!

To avoid drip feeding I’ll give as much info as I can without outing myself, but apologies if it makes this a bit long!

DH and I have been together 14 years, married for 4 of these and had our first DD this year. Both mid30s.
We would like to have two children in total, and as we are considering moving from our rather small house to a bigger family home have been looking at our finances. This led to us realising childcare costs mean we could not really afford a second child until DD is old enough to receive her 30hrs free childcare as we can only afford 1 set of full time childcare fees without being totally tight on everything else’s and not having any of the nice things such as holidays or the little luxuries we are used to.

Trouble is this means that, going on the assumption that I could fall pregnant on the first month of trying for dc2 just as I did with dd we have to be ready to afford a baby from 9months after we start ttc- although of course it could take longer.

However - this would mean I was approaching 40 by the time dc2 comes along, assuming I fall pregnant quickly. I wanted to have my children younger for a number of reasons (no judgement on people having babies older or younger, just what I’d prefer!), I’d like the dc to be close in age and lastly as I say I was fortunate enough to conceive and have a smooth pregnancy and wonderfully healthy baby with dd, I don’t want to add my increasing age to the risks of a second pregnancy.

Options seem to be:

1. Stop being so demanding and accept I need to wait and have this baby when we can properly afford to then have two children in full time childcare either with or without cutting back on other things.

1. Start trying sooner and accept if we are lucky enough to conceive and have a baby before dd turns 2.5 (I’d have 6m maternity so could negate the childcare cost til she’s 3!) then we are in for an expensive couple of years.

1. Look for creative ways to manage childcare if needed. Options being asking my parents who live in our village to provide childcare for a toddler and a 6month old 2 days a week. They’d probably jump at this but there is a risk of being beholden to them that worries me. Or negotiating with dd nursery (we’ve secured her a place at a gorgeous independent - ie not a big chain group - nursery locally for when she turns 1 and I return to work) so effectively dd would take a sabbatical from nursery for 6 months or do reduced days for a period then go back up to 30 hours when she turned 3, although this feels like messing them around and honestly if I were the nursery I’d tell me to bigger off!!

How have others managed this? Are there decent financial support packages for childcare under 3years old? Dh and I each earn around 50k per year so not struggling but equally we live in an expensive part of the country and after mortgage / bills etc local cost of living we would be best described as comfortable but not wealthy for the area If that makes sense!

Thank you for your ideas!

In your shoes, assuming you are able to choose when you fall pregnant (big assumption, I know it happened once but doesn’t always work the same second time round) I would aim for an age gap of 2.5-3 years. Small enough gap that they will play together (if their personalities match up enough) but financially manageable.

Also a very young toddler and a baby is a really tough combination, and not one I would ask grandparents to take on. If you wait till 2.5 then at least your toddler will be talking, walking comfortably and maybe potty trained.

Honestly - from the experiences of more than one friend I would not wait very long.

It could take longer to conceive at that age and you end up with a 5 year gap. Worst case scenario, you might not conceive easily again if you wait.

It could be fine. But I have one friend who had this logic and ended up with one. She doesn't know if not waiting would have made the difference, but she wishes very much they'd tried straight away.

At the very least have your egg reserves checked maybe then make a more informed decision?

Thanks both - it’s so tricky as the praxticAl side says wait but as with any ttc there are so many variables that you just don’t know which way they will go, very much a hope for the best but plan for the worst feeling here!

We were the same regarding not being able to afford a second until the oldest got 30 hours. Mine are 2 years apart - remember when the second is born you won't need childcare for the older one for the time you are on Maternity leave.

Mine are both August born but it worked for us like:

Oldest born August 2016
Pregnant with second Christmas 2017 (so, oldest was 16 months)
Had youngest August 2018 (oldest was 2)
Went back to work September 2019 (oldest was 3 and had her 30 hours).

Sorry just read properly, you have 6 months maternity leave. None the less 2.5 year gap sounds like a good bet for you, and 40 is totally reasonable to have a second. That's what I would do personally.

I’d talk to your parents and try sooner. Women’s fertility declines. You and your DH could both work a 4 day week which would give you 2 days childcare too. There will be cheaper options than your independent nursery. One option can also be if you parents were willing to pay for a mother’s help to help your parents with helping your with childcare - takes the burden off them for a few hours a day, and isn’t the same expense as a nanny. I know some people who did this.

yes popping up to say you only need to wait for a 2yr gap as won't need childcare for maternity.

could you save up for a couple of months childcare. also beware private nurseries bolster the fees with all sorts of other charges when you get 30 hours. so it might not be as much of a saving as you think.

but don't make assumptions. I get pregnant easily but had a miscarriage. Added 4 months onto date of dd2.

Could you postpone the house move? Keep the smaller current home until 2nd baby is 3?

I’m pregnant at 41 and had no idea of the risks. It’s a 50% miscarriage rate after 40 and huge rise in chromosomal abnormalities. Obviously many women have healthy babies but it’s such a worry. I’d definitely try sooner if I were you even if that means going without “nice to haves” and holidays for a couple of years.

Could you consider a nanny share? We found that cheaper and more flexible that 2x nursery places.

So many good idea here - thank you so much I particularly hadn’t thought of things like a baby share or mothers help!

I’d rather go without holidays etc for a few years to have a second child sooner but dh likes his “proper breaks”!

@Di11y I’m so sorry for your loss - and thank you for highlighting the extra nursery fees!!