Feel like family life is disintegrating

[LifeIsHardButSoAmI]

I probably sound melodramatic but I genuinely feel like we’re going under.

Two daughters, 5 and 3. Oldest in P1 and an emotional wreck this week because I’ve just broken it to her (in gentle terms) that her P1 is over and when she goes back to school in August she will have a different teacher. I haven’t even embarked upon the “there will only be ten in your class and your pals are in the other bubble” chat yet.

Husband and I both working full time from home. Intense and stressful, reactive jobs. The stress is killing me. Kids are utterly neglected during the week. I have been tearing myself into pieces to keep them entertained. To keep them going. I have bought stuff. Made stuff. Baked until I could bake no more.

At the beginning it was fine. We had a routine. Schoolwork was happening. We walked daily. The three year old wasn’t an iPad junkie. Now it’s all gone to shit. They are couch potatoes who will do nothing but watch tv and eat babybel.

The house is disgusting. DH and I are utterly exhausted. We have absolutely no work life balance (work/parenting/work/parenting/bed/repeat).

I simply can’t do this until October or whenever. I can’t.

I’m so ashamed that my three year old is obsessed with the iPad. That my five year old won’t draw any more and won’t focus long enough to draw a rainbow for the window.

I totally understand - and I am not working! Just the total lack of motivation seems to have crept up and up to the point where getting everyone out of the house for a walk is almost impossible.

Wow OP you have huge demands on you and an impossible situation. What an awful situation for you. All I can say is I was just thinking I feel similar... tv and ipad seem to rule in our house too now, but we are no where near as busy and stressed as you. It's not your fault.

It's really getting to me now. My 5 year old is really suffering. She's being ignored while we work (too much tv and iPad) and our attempts to get her to do schoolwork are really damaging our relationship.

I had great plans for her to sit quietly next to me doing her schoolwork while I did my own work, but she does nothing without one of us standing over her, constantly redirecting her to her schoolwork.

Almost all of the fun stuff we could do makes a mess that takes twice as long to clear us as it does to do.

Our house has gone to shit too.

justajot I could have written that.

Can you take a week's holiday to re-group?

Or parental leave?

I have a few days booked off next week. But my work is a whole other issue. And now it’s in my bedroom. It’s almost more stressful to take time away than to not bother if that makes sense.

But I’m going to because I need to get the girls back on track.

I know I in a privileged position to have done this but a couple of weeks a go I went on sitters.com and booked a daytime babysitter for 3 hrs so I could get some work done and know that the kids were going to have someone play games with, do reading and basically just be focused on them. It was amazing. We are spending so much less money per month working from home etc that even though it feels extravagant it is affordable. As my husband said we would waste so much at the weekend on takeaway coffees or a cafe trip/lunch out for us all. Just an idea. We were lucky and the babysitter is wonderful and now she is coming twice a week and has really taken the pressure off.

I don’t understand though. I haven’t seen my parents for months. My in laws can’t enter my house (or maybe they can now, ive lost track). How can we have babysitters?

That’s not meant to be snide by the way, I genuinely don’t understand what we can and can’t dk

For a babysitter it is their job, so they can go to your house as a workplace. People have retained nannies the whole way through.

It doesn't make a huge amount of sense. I'd like to pack my kids off to my parents for a couple of days, like we would in the holidays. My kids need someone fresh to spend time with them.

I think I just went under.

Sitting in my car, in the rain after yet another meltdown over bedtime.

We've got DD(8) and DS(5), both 'keyworkers' (if I never hear that phrase again I will be forever grateful). We both still have to go to work in our offices. There isn't a point in the day where we get a break from other people. It's either home with kids, at work (talking to people all day) or home with kids again. Time at home is spent doing school work, house work and not much else. Time in work is trying to innovate and find new ways of delivering a service that hasn't fundamentally changed in decades and meeting all sorts of barriers.

I have had enough.

Really

You are allowed to have people come into your house to work (including childcare), just taking reasonable precautions/social distancing if possible. Our neighbours have had their nanny coming daily all the way through, our cleaner came back a few weeks ago, we have had tradesmen in for essential services, etc.

Apparently there has always been some legal exception for grandparents providing childcare, even before the Dominic Cummings debacle - there was a poster floating around saying this on various threads, i think she said she was police so she had to review the legislation and guidance carefully and the exception was there. I never believed her and nor did anyone else, but I think she was actually right and it was just communicated so poorly by the govt guidance that we all thought we couldn't access any childcare by grandparents or otherwise.

But also - you're not alone my kids basically do nothing except (grudging) schoolwork, fight each other, and play minecraft. Trying even to get them to go for a walk is like torture. DH and I are both working, then after dinner and getting the kids in bed it's housework until bedtime.

I'm going to take the kids shopping tomorrow though - they need shoes and we all need a reminder of normality for our own sanity. I know all the cafes and shops are open so we can at least have a semblance of a normal Saturday bimble around the shops.

I hear you and you are not alone

Informal unpaid childcare wasnt allowed but formal paid childcare was. I paid my mum to be my nanny, totally allowed.

Is it the same in Scotland

As everyone has said, you have been allowed to have work people in your home for several weeks. My cleaner has come back. My relative's nanny has been working more or less throughout on reduced hours. You can have paid help in your home. Now, whether you can afford it or find anyone is another matter but it certainly is allowed. My cleaner would divert to childcare if I asked her, I don't need her to, but it's worth thinking about whether you can find anyone like A level or uni students who are desperate for work.

Yes.
I have to endure my kids till 12th of August and then according to the letter we got they will be finishing at noon so 3 hours of schooling.

DH is furloughed atm and helps a lot but I’m crumbling.”key worker” so still working but omg.
The house is a shitpile and I’m drifting from mental and physical slob at home to physical slob at work and vice versa.

I miss some space 😢

I cracked last week and let my mum have my 5yo last week for the day. It was fucking amazing. I cracked through loads of work, got housework done and he had the best time. I'm in Scotland too, I'm a teacher who has been in the school hubs and working full time at home, my mum works in care. We take precautions, no one has symptoms and i needed the break for my mental health.

@LifeIsHardButSoAmI , stick in there 💐 it has to get better at some point 🙏

@FrenchBoule - noon!!!! - you've got it easy lol. We had an online assembly yesterday, in school time is mon - fri 9am till 11.24 then online lesson everyday 1.30 - 2.30 ( I'm in Scotland too )

11.24??

Yes. My kids are utterly neglected. My DH is trying to keep his job going as they announce redundancies. I have a fairly stressful job and have been working until 11pm each night. I'm exhausted. The kids are miserable and exhausted. You are not alone!

DH has let me sleep in this morning. I have just woken up. I still feel bone tired and like I can’t face it.