Asking family to order specific things for new baby

[Billyjoearmstrong]

Just to start - I am not being grabby.

But PIL like to buy things that we have no need for and I really want to nip it in the bud before number 3 (my second with Dh) arrives. I do appreciate the fact that they want to buy things for the baby and I do realise that we are lucky and I would never expect anyone to buy anything for us.

We weren’t expecting to be lucky enough to have another baby, so we have nothing left over from DD aged 6.

When I was pregnant with her, PIL kept buying things we didn’t need. Things like a travel cot as THEY preferred them over a normal cot (it never ended up being used, we bought the cot we wanted) bottles that didn’t fit the steriliser we had already bought (so again never used), a really expensive breast pump when I knew I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed or pump due to past experiences and problems, a thousand items of clothing when we already had more than enough, they turned up with a new pushchair for Dd as they didn’t like the one we had bought (Dh made them take that back for a refund as it was expensive but they weren’t happy).

I had an amazon wish list when I was pregnant that time, I suggested to Dh that he shared that with them if they wanted to buy anything - wasn’t expecting them too. MIL said great, she would have a look but then proceeded to buy what she thought we needed rather than what was on the list so it solved nothing.

It just ends up with us sounding ungreatful for the things they buy but honestly, a lot of it is unneeded or inappropriate for our needs.

I want to stop it this time. I did keep all of dds baby clothes (I’m sentimental as I thought she would be my last!) so we told MIL that we had 0-6 months clothes coming out of our ears. Today a huge box turned up with more clothes than a newborn would ever need. It’s all from places that are quite expensive and there are other things we actually need - co sleeper cot for one, that we are saving a little each week for that would be so much more useful and save us money.

I know she’s only being kind. She does it with Dd and Ds too, she keeps ordering homeschooling books for them but they are ones that we already have so it’s a waste - Dh does tell her and she just says keep them. Again, if she did want to buy them things then I have a list as long as my arm of things I buy slowly that would be more of a help, but they don’t seem to want to know!

They are nice but this is part of a wider control thing - they know what’s best etc which I will admit runs me up the wrong way as by the time I met them I already had a house/child Etc. They just will not listen and MIL gets upset when Dh explains that we already have something - she’s expects it to be swapped for her item.

I really don’t want to come across as ungrateful, I just don’t want them wasting money on things we don’t need when actually, there are things they could help with if they wanted to but they won’t. Dh has told them that there are things we would rather they buy if they want to but they never listen.

We need to return the baby clothes to her - I’d rather she got a refund as we have loads of Dd old baby grows and vests but there will be passsive digs and it wears Dh down.

Reading that back I’ve realised that it really is a control thing, no matter how lovely MIL is. Her way is best.

And to reiterate - I don’t expect other people to buy anything for my children and would never ask.

Sounds like you've already given them plenty of guidance on what you like / need / will use and they choose to do their own thing anyway.

Just smile, say thanks, and stick what you don't want on eBay.

OMG. I dont think you sound grabby at all. That is so annoying not to mention wasteful! No advice but that would annoy the hell out of me.

It's a tough one and if you didn't actually need anything else I'd let it slide (while inwardly noting they don't think what you say you need is important...)

However as you do need things I think you- well actually your dh, you should make him deal with it - need to be gentle but firm. How about something like ''these are the things the baby will need - we don't have space to store anything else but can happily pass it on to the baby bank'

Agree with PP. You’ve already tried to be polite and discourage the unnecessary purchases. Just sell it on and buy what you actually need.

I feel so crap selling gifts on eBay. What actually happened is that they sat in the garage unopened for a couple of years and were then donated to sure start when I thought she would have forgotten about them.

That box of clothes today - she could have bought two of the co sleeper cribs that we were putting money aside for with what she spent on those.

Can you offer them to the nearest woman’s refuge? If your mil won’t stop, then put the extra things to the best use possible.

Or sell them and put the money in children’s accounts.

Yes - I did donate everything they refused to get refunds on in the end to our local sure start at the time.

I just wish they would a) stop wasting their Money and b) stop being so bloody controlling.

It's infuriating.
Dh made them take that back for a refund as it was expensive but they weren’t happy).

Can your dh sit down with them one more time, lay it all out how you can't afford xyz but that's all you need or want, you're very grateful that they're thinking of gifts but it would mean the world to get items xyz instead of things that will get passed on unused, and then if it continues revert to the making them take it back for a refund each time. Just don't accept anything after that.

Or you won't need to feel bad about selling them immediately! It's still a massive waste of your time to do so though!

I can completely sympathise - my In laws do this for my DD, buying things we don’t need. It’s sounds really ungrateful but I wish they would have bought stuff we could actually use. I ended up donating a lot of it, which I felt bad about.

Every time they appear with a bag of stuff I have to find a place for, best one was a boys Halloween costume 3 sizes too big because “it was on sale”! Did I mention I don’t even have a boy! Or pouches of food for a 6 month old even though she’s nearly a year and doesn’t eat them anymore.. I’ve tried but I honestly end up just giving to local mums in my estate.

Honestly I just let little things like that go but I would say about an expensive purchase, it’s partly a control thing too I think.. x

@Teacaketotty every birthday and Christmas Dd will get a HUGE box of clothes and shoes from them. I’m taking up to ten pairs of shoes and 5 pairs of slippers, a years worth of clothes - all of them at least three sizes bigger than she needs. There were three winter coats last Christmas in size 8-9 years. She’s 6. We live in a small house, Christ knows where she expects us to keep them all.

They spend so much money on clothes and shoes they like but they won’t buy her any things that she actually needs or wants.

@HyggeTygge I’m going to get him to have another word. He has to call her to say he’s going to drop that box of clothes back tomorrow. There must be £250 worth of clothes in there it’s excessive for a newborn.

You say she’s lovely but I don’t actually think she is being lovely here. She’s refusing to listen and doing what makes her happy, never mind the implication for inconvenience for you. DH needs to speak to her firmly and explain that you’re actually starting to find it quite upsetting that they’re not listening to you, and that it’s upsetting to see money being spent on things you don’t need when you’re trying so hard to save for the things you do. If they carry on after that then as PP says, just give it straight back with a flat ‘as discussed we don’t need clothes thank you and don’t have the time or space to deal with disposal’. They will learn at some point. Don’t do the typical British thing of feeling horribly awkward about someone else doing something thoughtless and knowingly upsetting to you.

Buying a pram for someone without their input is really overbearing. So frustrating to see people waste loads of money on things you don't want, when they could really help you out with things you actually need.
Not sure what you can do when they don't listen, apart from refuse to accept whatever they buy.
I'd probably try to return the items to the shop and get credit if possible or just keep some of the nicest stuff and sell/donate the rest

She's a shopaholic and not going to change, but you can. Just thank her for the booty, then give it away; right away., and tell her so .

" Whenever we have more than we can keep we just give some of it away to charity. The Womens Refuge people are really grateful for any child and baby stuff."

You need to give it all back to her. Be firm (get DH to be firm). Do this every time. If she don’t take it, explain you don’t need it, have no room to store it. Give the choice: take it back or we will donate it to charity. If you do this every time, she’ll eventually stop. I don’t think you sound ungrateful, just sensible.