How should I handle this behaviour from my manager??

[Trahof]

My manager is really starting to stress me out. He's extremely hot and cold, I never know where I stand with him. Last week he was extremely friendly, going out of his way to IM and Skype call me all week chatting about all kinds of non-work things, i.e what he was having for lunch, how he's planning to redecorate his house, sending me pictures of his new self-done haircut etc.

Now this week, nothing. Not even a good morning any day, he's just been launching straight into telling me what work I need to do and he even sighed when I Skype called him to ask a question about one of the work items. Today was the final straw when I messaged him clarifying one of his instructions and he just replied with 'what do you want?'.

I've done all my work on time and to a good standard but this always happens and I don't understand why. One week he'll be extremely friendly, the next extremely cold.

It's messing with my mind and making me second guess every interaction in case I've somehow done something to set him off!

How do I deal with this?

Anyone else had a manager like this?

You could be assertive and ask if you have done something to upset him.
Or you could just conclude he’s a twat and treat him in businesslike manner at all times from now on and never again be drawn into chatting etc. Work only.

Thanks @msinsomniac. I asked him last month if I'd done something wrote and he replied with a breezy 'no' and left it at that. I expect I'll get the same response again this time if I ask.

Ignore him (easier said than done, I know), he's being an idiot.

Imagine being in a relationship with him!! Thank your lucky stars it’s just work and you can log off at the end of the day.

Reply. As per my email. Then copy the email you last sent. Or say I was asking ....

Sometimes people need reminding we are all adults to be treated with respect.

Do you think he fancies you and gets pissed off if you don't respond?

How old are you and how old is he roughly?

He sounds a bit stressed out to me. I'd be asking him if he was ok.

Well, you know it’s a pattern now and probably not you. Check with him how he would prefer you to contact him and when and stick to his response.

Yeah, I have this a little bit at the minute and its putting me on edge. It's making me realise that that's a downside to WFH , its much easier to be face to face in the office with someone like this.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I don't think he fancies me, he's got a girlfriend as far as I'm aware. And I make sure not to ignore him when he's in his friendly chatty mode because I don't want to seem rude, so I replied to his haircut picture that I was impressed how straight he'd managed to do it and I didn't trust myself to do mine, sort of thing. I don't think it's my responses to this that are putting him in a mood, but maybe.

I think it may be a stress thing, I'm struggling to think of a way of asking if that is the issue without coming across really patronising though.

And I'm mid 20s and he's early thirties @helpmum2003

I used to work with a twat like that, and it's exhausting. All you can do is keep it very businesslike and cordial. Also ignore him when he gets short or stroppy with you.

In response to his 'well what do you want' you could respond with 'I'd like some advice and you have more experience in this field' that way you're not responding emotionally but also not letting him get away with that. Personally I think it's fucking rude to send a message like 'what do you want'

Re the friendly chit chat, keep it as brief as possible and keep your answers closed so not to initiate conversation

Yes, except mine is female. She blows massively hot (non work related texts, wants to chat all day) to blunt verging on rude 1 word replies to queries (Yes! No! Why?)
It gives me whiplash, I've no real idea how to deal with it, she does it in cycles with lots of staff. It got particularly bad late February this year to the point I considered resigning, I love my job but I don't need it and I don't need the grief she gives at all. I decided to ask her bluntly if there was a problem I wasn't aware of- never seen anyone back track so fast. No problem I'm great etc etc. Another member of staff described her as a bully, I think they were right.like all bullies when called on it she caved right in
I've been remote working since March so it's been lovely.
You have my sympathy and the best of luck!

I have this. It’s when she’s stressed, plus she isn’t a great communicator over email. It upsets me sometimes, but I try my best to ignore it.

It does cause a lot of stress, I thought maybe k was doing something wrong and that I might be the problem but maybe not. I wonder if maybe he gets concerned after the chatty weeks that he's been too social and informal and then has to pull back into a manager role, hence the coldness. Does anyone have any thoughts on whether this could be the case?

I dont know @trahof

I think most people could be having a bad day/week at home or work but still 'put on a brave face, and are polite to colleagues, whereas the few people like this just take it out on everyone they come into contact with.
I'm trying to just not overthink it now when my manager has cold days/weeks.

I find all the personal chat really strange to be honest. I’m a manager and never message colleagues a haircut, I can’t even imagine! All my emails are straight to the point but polite, I would have said “how can I help?” or some such. I would just keep it to a professional tone from now on.

Honestly? I think he has scant regard for you...sees you as a minion to use as he so wishes, so when he’s bored you can entertain him with your attention but now he’s busy, you can go back to being a work unit thanks.

I wouldn’t be so eager to engage him in informal stuff.

I’ve had a boss like this in the past, at my first job out of uni, I had no idea how to handle it, he was an absolute Jekyll & Hyde. He was like it with everyone though so at least I knew it wasn’t just me.
20 years on I’ve got another boss like it, he’s also like it with everyone. We all just completely ignore him when he’s in one of his moods/non interactive phases. However this is now very difficult to gauge wfh! When he’s in a mood just keep interactions to a minimum until he’s snapped out of it again - it’s like dealing with toddlers!

IMO, hot and cold managers are just another part of why you get paid to go to work.

It is incredibly stressful managing multiple demands, and managers aren't some superhuman subset.

But, it is easy for this kind of stuff to chip away at your self esteem, especially when it's just you and a screen. I know it's trite but try not to take it personally, if they are giving brusque answers call it out with " I sense your busy, we can pick this up at X time", and don't invest too much when they are being happy/chatty - it's not worth your well-being if they're going to be crappy two days later.

If you have other, more balanced, people at work - make sure you keep up chats with them, I've found it really helps with Corona coaster/WFH when you can honestly laugh about it with someone.

You have my sympathies. I once had a female boss that was dreadful during her period. She'd literally gatecrash a meeting, yell at everyone and leave. She was really decent the rest of the month. We started tracking her periods and plan meetings around them.

That's creepy.