How to say no without causing a family fall out

[Janerains]

My dad wants the whole family to go to a certain beach at the end of the month. He is shielding and hasn’t been dealing with it very well as he misses us and his grandchildren. He gets very very upset when we say that as things stand we won’t be able to do it. However he has kept on at us and my 2 brothers and their families have said yes they will go. That’s already 10 people. With DP and I and our kids that will be 14. We are now under immense pressure from my family to go.

My issues are that a)this is against the rules at present to gather with more than 6 people. B) some of the kids are toddlers and have to be watched like a hawk to ensure any kind of social distancing c) the beach is an hour drive away. They want to go all day so at some point we would need to use public toilets- including dad who is shielding.

They just won’t take no for an answer and I’m running out of things to say to them.

What would you do? And how would you explain it to a family who just won’t listen?

I have no advice for you OP but I'm in the same situation with DPIL - they want to hold a BBQ for us all but there are 12 of us!

Just say yes, and then develop diplomatic galloping diarrhoea on the day.

Check if the toilets will even be open... Good excuse.
Next review is a week Thurs. Anything could be happening by then..

Yes they are currently open. It just seems unnecessary risk for someone shielding. For those people the guidance is that you can meet one other person for a socially distanced walk- I doubt that is going to change to allow visits to crowded beaches and use of public toilets.

On the morning of the outing, last minute change of plan , you're staying home .DC has high temperature/teething all night so none of you got much sleep and children very grumpy, I'm going back to bed with phone off. Terribly sorry, hope you all have a lovely day

Stand your ground. He’s being ridiculous. You and your husband have a responsibility to your own family unit, and part of that is to not break lockdown rules.

Clearly your "no" conversations go differently to mine.

Them: "let's do x"
Me: "no, I don't want to because of xyz"
Them:
Me: "no, I'm still not going to do it, I won't try to stop you though."
Them: gwan
Me: "I know you think I am mean/jobsworth/silly. Still, there's no point talking about this, I have decided not to do X. Let's talk about Maureen's new kitten. Isn't it cute?"
Them: Gwan, gwan, gwan
Me: until they start talking about something else / sudden ring at the door and have to hang up.

They just won’t take no for an answer

So are they going to physically barge into your house and manhandle you all into the car?*

Of course they aren't so just tell them that you won't be joining them.

*if they do try this then call the police and tell them you are being kidnapped.

Yeah just say one of the kids has a vom big closer to the time. Or your car won’t start- dammit.

Don't wally about making up excuses. Just say "no". It really isn't hard.

I don’t want to lie though- I know that’s the easy way out but this is a pandemic. Peoples lives are at risk over others not following the rules and I want to be clear that I’m not supporting their decision.

Your problem is that you're trying to explain it and make them understand.

Them: Come do this!
You: No. I don't want to.
Them: Come on!
You: No.
Them: Why not??
You: Because I don't want to.

Repeat as needed.

Maybe this is where I’m going wrong but I want them to know that I do want to go and spend time with them but I disagree that it is safe to do so and would like to make them think about going themselves.

Think twice that was supposed to say!

Offer to visit him in his garden

I have done but he’s very very adamant that we go to this beach

he’s very very adamant that we go to this beach

Well you need to be very adamant that you aren't going to.
He's your Dad not your boss.

@Janerains

Maybe this is where I’m going wrong but I want them to know that I do want to go and spend time with them but I disagree that it is safe to do so and would like to make them think about going themselves.

OK. Surely you say exactly that then.

They might ignore you, not be won over or even declare you to be a liar and a dickhead.

You can't control their reactions. Stop trying. Say what you say here. On repeat if necessary. At some point refuse to discuss it further.

Though tbh, it is looking like the rules will have changed to make this OK by the time you get to the day so it may be a non-issue.

Say no ill come to your garden adamantly. That is what we are doing to a family member who wants a big public area meet up. She's begrudgingly conceded now we change subject or ignore her cajoles on it

He won't accept no? What's he going to do? Kidnap you at gunpoint?

The only way to avoid a fall out is to go.

So you are going to have to accept there'll be a fuss and just stick to your guns.

I'd look at the long term forecasts and say July will be better weather, and the beaches will be less crowded as most people will have been by then.

The guidance might have changed. I’d plan to go. You can drop out at the last minute if you need to.

Just saying no isn't going to solve your problem with your df.

He will still go to the beach with everyone else.

Bloody hell, you are an adult, you've said no and he should respect that
I wouldn't even bother replying anymore

People saying just say no are missing the point that OP will say no but also wants everyone to know that she thinks they're wrong and she's right.

Which isn't worth damaging family relationships for in my opinion but OP can crack on.