DS10 mental health

[sandieshaw]

My DS has always been a "glass half full" kind of child. Prone to anxiety (about school trips, won't go on sleepovers etc), and low self esteem. He has a tendency to think that life is unfair and all the worst stuff happens to him when in reality this is far from the case.
We've been trying a lot of stuff around growth mindset, encouraging him, positive reinforcement etc but he's still stuck in this negative way of thinking.

School work is the source of a huge amount of resistance from him. He's a bright boy and is well behaved at school etc. Brilliant at maths but finds written work harder. But if I ask him to look back over work done to edit/correct he immediately gets defensive and a bit aggressive (in speech, not physically) shouting at me that there's nothing wrong with his work and it's all done properly (when there's questions he's missed out, spelling mistakes for words I know he can spell, etc). I always take pains to show how much he's done well and remind him that everyone makes mistakes etc but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

But today we went up a notch. Having asked him to look over some maths with me where he'd already got 90% correct he got so frustrated that he headbutted the door frame. Where do I go from here? Surely that's not typical behaviour in a child of his age?

He can be such a funny, loving, kind boy but he's so lacking in either self esteem or resilience (I don't know which) that he can't cope with minor set backs. I don't want him to go through life like this. How do I help him?

Sorry for the long post. I am a long time mumsnetter but have changed my username for this.

I'd stop pointing out mistakes and insisting he goes back over things. His teacher will pull him up if he's not doing things properly and it will also give the teacher a much better idea of how he's doing and what needs reinforcing.

His relationship with his teachers is different from his relationship with you and it might shore up his confidence if he doesn't think you're someone else who just expects him to get things wrong.

Thanks Whistles, it’s definitely something to think about.
Part of his Y5 target is to be able to “self check” his work so I’d been using his teacher’s prompt sheet to remind him to do that.
I think with maths he’d be fine without any checks but with English he’s literally just write two sentences when the task is to write a short story.

I should add that his teacher is aware that we’re supporting learning at home and that the work he submits on line is not his first, unedited attempt.

I think it's really hard OP, but this is a really hard time for everyone and i think I'd just let him submit the work without going over it. Does he like reading/being read to? Encourage this and take the pressure off him.

Email the teachers and ask for their advice. It may be part of a bigger picture.

Thank you everyone. I’m going to back off on work checking and see how we go.
I had a little chat with him last night and told him I was proud of him for getting through his school work and sticking to the school timetable. Lots of positive reinforcement.
This parenting business is tricky at times!

Is it possible to praise/reward him for finding errors?

DD (15) is poor at writing correct English first time round, but is improving with self checking. We have done things like look at the work, see there are ~40 errors, and then challenge her to self correct and find at least 10. Then she gets praise for finding the errors, rather than feeling criticized iyswim?

Also model making mistakes and it not mattering.

Praise the things you want to improve. e.g. Praise answering all the questions / following all the instructions (even if the output isn't great.)

Are you sure it is laziness not something like dyspraxia? DD1 always chose to do her own thing with craft sets rather than following the step by step guide. Turned out eventually she actually couldn't follow steps & had organisational difficulties linked to dyspraxia.

OMG @TeenPlusTwenties - I've just read the symptoms of dyspraxia and it fits him to a tee. He's only mildly affected and does manage to keep up with his peers on the whole, but there are loads of things on there which match up:

• didn't crawl until he was 20 months (although he could walk by then)
• still can't skip
• only learned to tie his shoes a few weeks ago whereas his younger brother could already do them last year
• took ages to master the stairs
• scatty and finds it hard to organise himself or focus on anything for any period of time
• he hates crafts because I think he finds it too hard to deal with the fiddly bits and his cutting out is definitely behind others in his age group
• low self esteem

You say you've had personal experience of this with your DD1? Should I seek some kind of professional help? As I say, his symptoms only affect him mildly in that he's not struggling to the point where others would really notice, but I do see how he finds life hard sometimes.

He sounds very like my eldest including the minimal writing and arguing about it. My son isn’t diagnosed properly (apparently they don’t do it here) but he gets extra time in exams etc because his hand physically hurts from writing. He is bright but we have had some crazy arguments about his minimal written work. He is a disaster at self organisation of every kind. My suggestion would be to let the teacher pick it up. Just ask if he has checked it, then leave it. This is a hard enough time without you and he having terrible arguments. I’m prioritising my kids’ mental health at the moment over everything.

I had had concerns on DD1 since Primary but had been fobbed off. Her difficulties got more obvious as secondary progressed and demands got harder. In y10 I became more concerned because of moving to 6th form college y12 where the teachers wouldn't know her.

I approached our GP with a highlighted checklist and asked for an assessment, and we were referred to an OT. Somewhere along the line they contacted the SENCO at school for a report too.

When we got the diagnosis we were sent a table with classroom strategies. We found we had been doing most of them already, but it highlighted other areas I didn't know were linked.

Here is a strategies document for Junior age:
dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/classroomguidelines.pdf

Having the 'label' has helped in work as she can explain a reason for adjustments. (e.g. She doesn't read between the lines well, so if colleagues hint or suggest she doesn't notice, she needs to be explicitly told stuff!)

re writing. Can you decouple the 'thinking' from the writing to help him be more expansive?

e.g. He dictates, you write it down, you then dictate back to him and he writes/types it. That helped us.

@Mistlewoeandwhine - that sounds just the same. My DS is being assessed for his writing at school so he can get extra time in his SATs next year. He’s always complaining of an achy hand. You’re right, that their mental health is the absolute priority. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

@TeenPlusTwenties - that’s my worry, that he’s smart and a good kid in class so he can keep up while the support is there in primary school, but that in secondary he’ll get lost and struggle as the pace ramps up.

His teacher is brilliant with him so I think I’ll talk to her first and then see where we go with GP etc once appointments become easier to get. I’ll take a look at that link you provided too.
We already do stuff along the lines that you suggested with writing - break into chunks, he tells me his ideas for each section and I make bullet point lists, then he uses that to write the assignment. But he still finds it hard. I’m hopeful that in time and with practice he’ll get the hang of it.

It's good to get stuff recognised now, it will make secondary so much easier.

On the handwriting - if he is willing find a touch typing programme and start learning that (there used to be one on the BBC website). DD1 found that typing stuff freed up her brain a bit. (Conversely DD2 poor motor skills, not dyspraxic, didn't take to it at all.) A lot of homework in seconday can be typed, and if he is bad enough then he might get to type in school too.

I'd still try a straight dictate after the bullet points to see if he can expand verbally. If he hasn't already, he will be taught a version of Point, Evidence Explain at some point. eg
Point: Henry VIII was desperate for a boy.
Evidence: His first wife Katherine of Aragon, gave him a girl, Mary, but failed to give him live son, so he divorced her.
Explanation: Having sons was very important in Tudor times to show virility and in Henry's case to ensure the succession of the throne. It was so important he was willing to break from the Catholic Church in Rome to achieve this.
Insisting on 3 separate sentences for each point may help him expand his writing perhaps? (depending what the issue is of course).

In y6 practice organisation skills. e.g. Checklists by the door, using phone if he has one for reminders, very specific places for everything, no deviations. Practicing these basics now when there is less to organise will help later.

If he does turn out to have dyspraxia, then ignore all of MN who say a y7 can be left to look after themselves. DD1 needed support well into y10/y11, and then again in college, and to some extent in general life.

otoh, I know a lad who has dyspraxia wo struggled with English in primary, got the right support, ended up with straight 9s and A*s for GCSE.

Yes I agree about the needing extra support. I’d say my son is quite immature for his age and whilst my 10 year old can be left to make lunch etc on his own, someone has to supervise the 14 year old - even though he gets eg 94% in his computing exams. I’m dyspraxic myself so I’m sympathetic to how his brain works.

Thank you again. Yet more interesting points. My 8 year old DS can happily bake a cake (I do the oven), make a salad (of sorts) and chop veg etc where as DS10 struggles to butter his toast.
He’s definitely not as mature as his peers but in some ways he can be very level headed, thoughtful & considerate too.
We do try to repeat the same routines morning and night but I think the checklist will help too.
Over the last few days the advice on here has helped me look at this with fresh eyes. Thanks everyone. We were so bogged down in the battle for “good quality” homework.
I think I can appreciate a bit more that it’s as much “can’t” as “won’t” and I need to develop new tactics for both of us.

I had exactly this with DS also 10 and came on to say 'this is frustration - there's something goinng on' but I see I'm late to the party. I had him assessed just to be careful before I went full blown 'you are not getting away with this attitude young man' on him. Low processing and probable inattentive ADHD. The assessment was pricy but I was so glad I went that route as we've discovered it before he crashes spectacularly when his executive functioning starts to matter. I would never have suspected ADHD because he's not typically hyper.

Thanks Hargao, ADHD was something indeed initially queried but dismissed as he’s the least hyper child imaginable, but it’s interesting that your experience showed that it could be a possible issue. I’m almost convinced he has an executive functioning issue (I think I do, to an extent, but it only manifests when I’m super busy to the point of overwhelmed. I actually have a job where organising and sequencing stuff is critical!).

It’s sometimes hard to assess objectively as DS2 is exactly the opposite - diligent, driven, competitive (within himself as well as with others) and sporty and it’s not right to measure all children by his personality either.

Well you're right that first off you need to back down... he's doing all the work, maybe not to standard, but he's doing it. Asking him to recheck all his work is a big ask for any child, but for someone who is anxious?

Try and hear what he's telling you, or see what he's showing you. Banging his head against the wall in frustration, "whining" about his hand hurting.

It sounds as if he's dealing with some quite big underlying differences, dyspraxia, ADD, possibly other neurodiversity... and it may require a whole paradigm shift for you and your family to accept what he can and can't do. He sounds as if he's under so much pressure to perform (whether that is your perspective or not), trying looking at "social masking", for example.

Try this for a good starting point, he has some interesting ideas

Just thought I’d give a quick update and let you know that I spoke to the class teacher this morning. She was brilliant and had already had some advice from the SENCO after I emailed earlier in the week.
Based on what I told her and observations in school DS will be referred for a dyspraxia assessment.
DH is not convinced that there’s an issue but is on board with the assessment side of things and I think that given a bit more time and once we’ve had some professional advice he’ll get his head round it a bit better.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to help. This could well be a game changer for our little boy.

So pleased your school is being helpful and you feel you have a way forward.