Please help me come to terms of the loss of my life

[SoupsYouSir]

I'm nearly 40 so pretty much half my life is gone. I am a failure. I have a nmw job, live in shit house in a dumpy area and skint. I thought id have a decent job and even went to university to do a degree which would have got me a good hcp job. I loved science and got great ALevel results. But my shit mental health meant I felt I couldn't do it and gave it up and since then I've just been in low paid admin jobs going from one to another as I can't even work my way up anywhere.
I'm a huge failure career wise. I'm so ashamed of it. Recently I've come across a few things which lead to me to research personality disorders which I think I have one of. After the lockdown I'll be getting an assessment.

I can't stop feeling sad that this is how it is for me. Everyone around me has flourished in life, they've grown as individuals, done well in jobs, good homes, they've done new things, set up businesses, they've travelled, they've moved upwards whilst I've been stuck at the bottom.
I know I've included some materialistic things in there but my point is that I don't even have that stuff either.
I feel so sad that the life I could have had is lost. I could have given my kids a better start but I failed them. I can't deal with it. It makes me angry and hurt and I know that I have to learn to accept it but I'm really struggling. I am grieving. I used to be religious but I've lost hope in God. I never thought I'd ever say that.

I need help in learning to accept this.

Doesn't sound like you want to accept it, it sounds like you would like to make things better

It also sounds like you are not too sure what better would actually look like. You can see other people have careers rather than jobs or posh houses but you also recognise that materialism is not the real route to happiness

Giving children a good life is helping them grow up into self sufficient and happy adults which in my experience has nothing at all to do with parental wealth

Don't forget, OP, that everyone is in an extreme, exceptional situation right now, that will be augmenting existing struggles and disappointments and making us feel them more keenly.

Half your life (perhaps; perhaps also less than half) is gone. You've been to school, university, had ambitions, had a family. It's unclear from your post whether you finished your degree or worked in your field, but you clearly attempted to; it wasn't right for you, at the time. It's not nothing that has happened to you. And there is still a very long half of your life ahead of you. How old are your children?

You already have a plan to investigate and explore your mental health after lockdown. That could be the crucial beginning of a development that takes your life in a new direction.

I think you probably need to do the grieving you are doing now. But hold on, if you can, to that new half (+) of your life with all its potential.

I feel you're being very hard on yourself. There is so much more to life than career success, there really is! You can be the most wonderful, loving mother with or without any great career success. Having a well paid job gives financial security so makes life easier in that sense - but it can also come with a lot of responsibility and stress. I myself am 45. I'm intelligent, have a university degree yet I'm working a low paid, admin job. It's partly because I've never had much self confidence and that's held me back. But it's also because I'm just not that interested in having a "career". I'm in awe of those who do well and get great jobs but I've always focussed on my personal life over everything else (I'm not saying this is right, it's just how I am). I could easily say the same things you've said about yourself and I could beat myself up about what a "failure" I am but I don't feel like that! I have 2 wonderful, happy kids, I'm a good mum, have a good relationship with DH. I feel very grateful for all I have. I don't dwell on my lack of job success because I have so much success in other areas. I know women your age feeling depressed that they don't have children and time's running out. Can you try and focus on what's good in your life and also ways to change direction career wise if you want to. It's not too late to retrain and start a different career. It's good you're investigating a potential personality disorder if you suspect you have one. I wish you happiness!

Just want to say I understand how you feel. I am in a similar position (about to turn 37, unhappy in job, don't own my own home, single). It's never where I thought my life would be. I also don't have children and feel devastated that I have missed the chance to be a mother. I know it's not easy and I don't want to say that just because you have children that makes up for the other things you've mentioned but it is a positive thing in your life to focus on.

It's not too late - I'm 41 and currently part way through a postgraduate degree that will allow me to earn decent money, but up till recently have also had rubbish jobs and been skint (and still will be if I don't finish my course!!).

It sounds to me like you still yearn for a rewarding career. Did you gain any credits/modules from your first degree that you could build on? Could you go back and finish it, or go back in directly into the second year? You can appeal to student finance for extra funding in special cases (I did this for my first degree because I also struggled with mental health and had to repeat a year).

Good luckx

Ive always believed that life is what you make it and if you dont like it. change it.

In 3 years i have gone from living with my parents being a lazy fat good for nothing loser to living in a flat with 2 babies on universal credit scrimping and saving and then married, vegan and healthy ( weight loss), money rolling in from other avenues and a 3 bed semi detached house with huge garden.

I never gave up, it happened steadily but i didnt like how my life was and im still working on a lot of things but my life is 100% better than it was.

It is never too late you still have what like 40 years maybe? if you want to change then do it now.

I’m coming up to 45 an am only just getting back on my feet.
Started out so well getting myself upwards and recovering from a shit childhood, 2 children , very bad PND , 2 failed marriages , all before I was 40, I thought I was done .Hated family parties even, where everyone else seemed to have done well.But couple of months after I turned 40 I met someone and began to build up again.
Life can take a turn, sometimes not instantly .I think you are allowed a day or so to grieve, but then I think it’s better to try lift your spirits and see what you have been good at.
You say you have failed your children , almost because you haven’t had the career, but your kids need your time and love, not career.Who knows, if you had had the career you may not have been able to give your kids the time.
Are you on your own or do you have a partner you can talk to and make a plan with ?
Housing and areas are awkward to solve instantly, are you tied to that area, could you move location?
Maybe set some goals for yourself, even mini ones like have a day where you don’t concentrate on the past, bigger ones like moving area/house.
I’m from the school of thought ( an background) where I don’t believe you always need a degree to achieve it all.Ive been in trade/semi professional jobs so a foot soldier if you like , but My pay is good for what I do and gives a level of comfort.Could you look at jobs in a different field that you like and start at bottom to work your way up? If you are always focusing on the rear view mirror you are missing the chances/vision/opportunities in front.
For me it would be set down what I want , day by day or long term and work to that.

Op are you any better today ?

You aren't yet 40, there is so much of your life left.

You have had babies and survived a mental health issue - those aren't small achievements and you should feel proud.

You haven't failed your dc - kids need love and support, not material things.

I wonder whether their is a job you could change to with more prospects to move up? Maybe a training role that will improve over time? You will have skills from your many years of admin jobs.

Would you consider an NHS admin role?

Thank you everyone for your messages.
Despite the good in my life I can't help but still feel sad for the past as it's shaped my future and present. I dont know what my next steps are but like I said I want to see a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis. I think this will maybe help to deal with it.

As for jobs, I don't have the confidence to even apply. I just think loads of people who are much more amazing would have applied and I'll have no chance so don't go for it. Even other low paid jobs I've applied for which I know I have the experience for etc I still can't get. In the past 12m I've been to 4 job interviews and didn't get the job.

I think one of the key things is not to be too hard on yourself. You've coped with lots of difficulties.

As hard as it is, I don't think it helps or is realistic to judge against what you think others are/have. The reality is usually less impressive. By which I mean, you'd probably look at me on paper and think I had done well career wise...but the truth is that I got lucky getting hired and now feel stuck where I am. I also feel like my house is shit compared to other people at my level of career. My Ex-husband has a big fancy house that I could be jealous of. The reality there though, is that he's got a big mortgage and is struggling for money for half the month despite earning more than me and his partner earning.

I think one of the ways you come to terms with it is realising that everyone has those doubts, everyone has things they feel should be better than they are.

You might want to read up on autism in women, OP.

Are you married? You have kids. Try and find the positives. There will always be someone better off that you.

I understand. I have tonnes going for me, but it feels like nothing compared to everyone around me.

Ds1 is very very social and has a huge group of friends, and people that he knows. I would say 200-300+.
All of ds's friends, all of his old football team, and his new football teams, everyone had a huge house, great holidays, loads of disposable income.

It baffles me. We seem to be the poor boy.

OP, I’m the same. 40 as well.

Apart from I have tried to change thing. I really have and I’ve either failed at everything because I’m crap or just though sheer bad luck.

I’ve given up now.

Last year things went to shit again (bad luck, bad timing) and I’ve totally failed my children this time.

You’re not a failure and I’m sure you haven’t failed your kids.

Getting knocked back from job interviews does dent your confidence. It’s horrible when it happens and makes you doubt yourself.
The reason you didn’t get the job isn’t always because of you. Sometimes they already have someone in mind, sometimes someone is just that little bit more confident, qualified or experienced.
Don’t think it’s because of you.
Just keep trying and you’ll get something.
In the meantime, are there any courses you can do online to help?
It doesn’t even have to be related to your job. You can do a course because youre interested in it.
Coursera has lots of free ones.

Start achieving some goals - big ones and small ones. This really helps to improve self esteem and gain confidence in your own abilities.