This isn't normal is it

[LolaColaMola]

I have a constant fear that I will die. I'm not particularly scared of dying but I am terrified of leaving my DC and them having to deal with that trauma. I thought it was fairly normal thing to worry about but I sit and write letters to tell them how much I love them incase anything happens to me and I've just done one to DH and suddenly realised normal people don't worry to this extent.

I don't know what to do, as I just can't help it. I often worry about a heart attack but its made worse at the moment by CV and the fact that I am obese. I feel ridiculous writing this as it's so stupid but I don't tell anyone else as I know how it sounds

It's like intrusive thoughts. I can imagine what it would be like if I died or someone I love and make myself sob even though it's not something I want to think about at all

You are describing a symptom of depression and anxiety. Can you access a gp by phone to talk this over? You have insight to know this is not 'normal' but it's just anxiety, it doesnt matter what the worry I'd it's the fact it's got to this stage. Xx

Ah thanks Nelly
I've often wondered if I have depression but I seem to have more episodes of crying/being really low and then ok the next day (less of these lately) so never really thought it was 'enough' to speak to a doctor about. I am known for being a moody person so just put it down to that. I had a very short period of taking anxiety tablets last year as I had worked myself up over thinking I was having a heart attack and spent a week crying so doctor prescribed them to break the cycle but I haven't had any since.

And this feels different. I'm not crying every day but the thought is there everyday. If I have a bad day with the kids I worry that will be their last memory of me, that I need to write letters/take videos etc so they don't forget me or forget I loved them.

Sorry I'm rambling.

Darling you absolutely are describing depression and anxiety. The good news is that theres a cure, medication and CBT, both or one or whatever suits you. Anxiety medication you were on is short term I think but doesn't address the illness. Please address this by ringing your Gp and for now accessing proper medical care ie antidepressants, there're not a scary thing but will give you a break from intrusive thoughts. Instrusive thoughts are a symptom, not reality, they are a symptom of depression but feel very real because they come from your head.

I take medication for precisely this. Works wonders. Other things I do that help-organised good life and health insurance and try to be healthy.

The intrusive thoughts is also a sign of obsessive compulsive disorder. Please speak to your GP, I hope you're able to get some relief

Thank you Nelly. Made me cry, but sort of in a relieved way I guess. Obviously I don't want to feel like this but I just feel like I'm going mad. I want to go and check the kids are breathing every 5 minutes! I never really know how to start the conversation in real life. It's easy here as it's just typing. I will try to reread this thread on Monday to call the doctor but it's hard when I feel 'ok' again, I think I don't need to until the next shitty phase comes.

Thanks Haggis. That is my intention, but then I comfort eat and recently tried to get life insurance but was too fat

Thank you cat

Hi, Lola.

I had this too. For 7 years I suffered terribly from panic attacks due to worrying that I'd die. It became so all consuming that I couldn't do anything, even cope with everyday stuff. It is horrible and debilitating.

I couldn't (and never have) taken medication because I had a crippling fear that I'd have an allergic reaction to it and die. But CBT helped me so much, along with other things like practicing mindfulness and yoga. Learning different ways of thinking and just forcing myself to think in rational ways.

I'm probably not explaining myself well, but I wanted you to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For over three years now I've been 'normal' and mentally healthy. I have the odd wobble but no intrusive thoughts or panic attacks. No endless nights thinking of what ifs and planning how to get out of life or death situations. You can do it. Please seek some help, some areas you can self refer for mental health support and speak to your GP too. Talk to family and friends and take good care of yourself.

Good luck

Thanks witch. You saying planning how to get out of life or death situations really rings true for me. When we are driving in the car I often think 'if the car crashed now, how would we get out' and plan what I would do. Or if food shopping, 'if a terrorist came in now where could we hide'. Thinking about it, the terrorist thing used to be a big deal for me - the thought that I would be killed in front of the DC and then who would help them. I'd forgotten that. It seems so stupid written down! If I ever told anyone that, they thought I was being over dramatic, so I stopped telling anyone how I felt.

I hope I can use this thread to help me call the doctor on Monday.

Yes, call the doctor Monday.

And I understand the thinking that your thoughts are stupid, irrational, nobody will take them seriously. I used to say 99% of my brain was rational, knew I was unlikely to be in a terrorist attack. But the other 1% knew it was a possibility. Most people don't listen to the 1%, but for me it would shut up, it ate away at the 99% until it was the dominant half and I couldn't think rationally anymore. It was just pure panic all the time.

My CBT really helped me to shrink it back and cope with it, learn to turn thoughts around and let go of the things I couldn't control.

I always say most people think of things as it's unlikely to happen to them, but I always think we'll, why couldn't it happen to me? What makes me so special that I couldn't get caught up in an attack? (As an example). Funnily enough I don't have that same attitude to good things happening like winning the lottery! Maybe I'm just a negative person.

Today I feel mostly ok again, so I'm doubting that there is a problem and just think I'm being dramatic and embarrassed for starting this thread. That's why it's so hard to call the doctors and have that conversation.

Yes, on the better days it's easy to think you're overreacting, can cope, sound stupid. But please make sure you do contact your GP. I went without help for 5 years and it was hell. After starting counselling I couldn't believe I hadn't taken the step earlier and my therapist was amazing and understanding, didn't make me feel like an idiot once.

Please update tomorrow after you call if you can

Just a little update to say thanks for all your support, I spoke to the doctor today and he has prescribed medication on a short term and wants to speak to me again in 2 weeks, if nothing has changed then maybe will put me on a longer term antidepressant or anti anxiety. In the meantime he wants me to call the counselling service, so hopefully I will be able to do that soon. I felt like such a idiot as this afternoon when he called me back wasn't too bad, but I know when I'm in the middle of a shit episode I will be glad I have already done it. So thank you

Well done for calling your doctor. It's a big first step. I hope the medication helps and that you can access some form of counselling soon.

Take care

Don't worry if the medication isn't an instant fix, actually taking the step of calling your gp is a marvellous start as pp has said.
Well done you

Definitely call the counselling service too, but be aware that in some areas they are very overstretched and it may be quite a while before they can do more than make an assessment and put you on their waiting list, so in the meantime have a look at the MIND website, see if there are any groups run by your local council or other self help groups locally. I know they won't be meeting face to face right now but they may have phone lines, a Facebook page or similar.

It can be very helpful to talk and I also recommend using a journal to write out how you feel, not for anyone else to see, it doesn't even have to make a lot of sense, just use it to get how you are feeling out of your system. I mention this as you said you write letters to your family, so maybe think of it as letters to yourself.

I will try the journal, thanks for the suggestion. I do write some things down but at the moment it's a list of everything I hate about myself which is not very productive. I'll have a look at mind too.

I'm now worried about taking the medication as it is Promethazine and having googled apparently it makes you drowsy and tired more than anything. My 5 and 8 year olds often still wake in the night so I need to be able to get up to them and in the day time I am already so tired the housework and their school work are being left behind, so the idea of being MORE tired is concerning.

Don't Google it, read the medication sheet in the box as that will tell you the likelihood of getting any side effects ie 1 in 100 people is a common side effect, 1 in 1000 much rarer. Even 1 in 100 means 99 in 100 probably won't have any side effects.
Oh yes, and just because it gives all sorts of terrifying side effects does not mean you will get ANY of them! Your GP will have prescribed what they think is best for you but there are lots of different options if the first one isn't right for you.

Your journal should be for your eyes only and contain whatever you want and feel but may I suggest that instead of a list in the style of "I hate that I am untidy/lazy/whinging/pathetic" (those are all things from my early journal by the way), change it to "I hate that I think I am" etc.

You are depressed, and your perception of things is not wholely reliable at the moment - and even if you are everything on your list it may not be as dreadful as you feel it is right now - I'm still untidy and lazy but because I'm not depressed now (thank you sertraline), I realise that for me those things don't matter so much, so I don't whinge about it or feel pathetic.

I'm not belittling what you are experiencing my dear Lola.

I'm not saying it's as easy as that - it is a long dark tunnel, particularly at the start.

I am saying there is light at the end of it .

I took the tablets anyway as I was so desperate to feel normal. Last night and this morning I felt fine after taking them but after taking one this afternoon I feel so so tired.

If I'm honest I'm really hurt by DH. I wasn't going to tell him as I knew he just wouldn't get it but the doctor called in the middle of dinner and he saw the number on my phone. I'm a SAHM but I have barely done anything this week, the house is a tip and I've barely cooked dinner. I know how shit I'm being but I couldn't even be bothered to shower for the last 2 days, never mind wash my hair, I have done some washing but not put it away and kept the kids alive and honestly just doing that is draining me. But he doesn't get it. I know he thinks I am being lazy and dramatic. I have asked him to make dinner, so he made the kids something but not us as I said I couldn't face cooking and didn't know what I wanted to eat, but I would've eaten if someone else had cooked. I just wish he would pick up some of the slack. He will if I ask him to, or he will say he will anyway.

Thanks so much for your lovely message. I've got no one in real life to talk to so this helps a bit. Will start the journal tonight.

Start your own thread @tropafp8 instead of spamming every single one with this.