What's the point?

[SuchGoodFun]

I've name changed because I'm ashamed of what I'm going post here and I'd rather it wasn't linked to my regular username.

I'm having a bad day. One of many, like a lot of people I'm sure, but todays bad day is probably the worst so far.
For the first time in my life I've actually thought that I can't see the point in staying alive. Life is miserable.
The straw that broke the camels back has been seeing people, friends, neighbours getting back to some sort of normality and going out and about seeing friends, going for a drive to the coast, etc.

I can't drive because its always been too expensive. I'm taking steps to improve mine and ds life by retraining to hopefully earn more in the future but this mythical future is still at least a good 2-3 years away.
We're stuck in a very small flat with no outside space and we're both seeing people living their lives while we literally have no option but to stay where we are.

Ds has been saying that he wishes we could just go for a drive or do something but we can't. I keep apologising to him because the reason we can't do these things is always because I can't drive and I can't afford to learn, let alone run a car!

Ds has been on his games console all day. That's it.
We're both bored and depressed and I have no way whatsoever to change it. There's only so many walks around the block that an 8 year old wants to do!

I have friends who tell me to "just learn to drive". Its hilarious actually. I'm a lp with no money except what covers essential bills and every single person I know had driving lessons paid for by family members when they were teenagers. That was never an option for me and it's just so expensive that I could never do it.

I'm rambling, sorry. I can't see the point anymore.
I've thought that if I wasn't here anymore then ds would probably have a better quality of life. He would probably go to my sister who has the means to give him this.

I know it seems so bloody stupid to be feeling this way but I do. I'm sad, jealous, depressed and just feel like a complete failure. I want to go to bed and just sleep.

Please don't think it's stupid, it really isn't. It sounds like you are having a rough time and everyone is entitled to feel down sometimes. I honestly don't know what to advise. Just please remember you are your son's world and he would never be better off without you. You don't have to take him for walks everyday if hhe is getting fed up with it, and its ok to just let him be on his console or watch tv more than you would usually, it's certainly trying circumstances. Seriously, some extra screen time will not turn thier brain to mushrooms 😁. You are doing your best. Be kind to yourself. Big big hugs

I was a lone parent who also could never afford to learn to drive. I’m 50 now and still can’t drive! But at this stage there’s no point. I live in London now anyway although when DCs were growing up we did live further out. It only seems magnified right now because of the virus. But the fact is there are way more important things than whether you can drive your DS somewhere. My dad used to drive me places sometimes as a kid, but he was the nastiest most abusive man. I would have swapped the car for a decent father! My DC are now 29 & 30 and if you asked them now they’d say they didn’t really care about us not having a car. In fact I offered driving lessons to them both as teens (due to my experience) but, as we lived in London by then, they didn’t see it as a priority. They may or may not learn at some point but they’re still not bothered now. As I say, it’s highlighted because of the situation we’re currently in but this will pass. I would also say, if you want to go to bed and sleep then do it! Self care (to me anyway) includes taking time out when you need it. You don’t have to be strong 100% of the time. It’s bloody tough doing it all alone and it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. Just try and hold onto the fact this is a temporary state and your DS loves you.

You're not mentally well at the moment if you think your DC would be better off if you were dead because you can't drive. You need to seek help a.s.a.p.

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. Please don't think your DC would be better off without you, that's not true.
You mention your sister, can you talk to here about how you are feeling. Arrange to meet her in her garden if that's an option or in a park?