Why am I still awake?

[mylittlesandwich]

I just can't get my brain to shut off. DS and DH are asleep and I don't want to wake them. I've been trying to sleep since midnight. I think it's just hit me that I'm really going back to work after mat leave soon and I do don't want to. I'm so worried I'll miss my baby growing up but I have to work or the bills won't be paid. I keep tensing up so much my jaw aches.

Hey OP. I could have written this post. I really understand how you are feeling, it makes me so anxious.

I'm sorry to say that I don't have any good advice, but I just wanted to respond to you to let you know that you are not alone.

You poor thing! If you haven't already, really look at the breakdown of your finances and see if there is a way you could afford staying home. You might need to switch around or cancel somethings. When you see the figures on black and white you will be either more convinced that its the right thing for your family to go back or that you have the option to stay with your baby.
Get bank statements and look at all your essentials, can you get any of them to 0% credit card (shift the debt) to avoid interests, could you switch suppliers, are there any assets you could sell etc. Money saving expert website has loads of budgetting info. Good luck x

Thank you both @ttigerlilly (that's my cats name) I spoke to my boss yesterday to start putting the wheels in motion so I think it's just really hit me. I only have 3 weeks left.

@GinasWig I definitely have to go back and I definitely have to go back now. I so so don't want to but we worked this all out before he was born. I can only take paid leave so I can't have the whole year. I didn't think I'd want to be a SAHP but I'd give my right arm to be able to. I don't want him raised by someone else but this is the only way. I'm the main earner and we need 2 incomes.

He won't be raised by someone else , you're still his mum ! Try and reframe how you're thinking about it. You're showing him great work ethic for example and your time with him will be quality.

I was at home with my kids - I wasn't suddenly a Mary poppins figure shoes never felt horrifically lonely and undervalued. Ds and then dd didn't do any better or worse than their peers who were in nursery or whatever .

@thaegumathteth logically I know he'll be fine I'm just so sad. It's more for me than him. I don't want to miss out on things. Cuddling him is literally the best feeling in the world and I don't want to stop cuddling him all the time to deal with my damned job. I know I sound like a bit much but I'm just coming out the other side of PND and it's like I've only just realised how amazing this all is and I'm having to give it up.