How do you know you have good or high self esteem?

[MistakenGolfShot]

What does that feel like? What sort of things do you do?

Hmm. I feel good about myself and my relationships. I feel like I'm worthwhile; I'm confident that I have value that isn't linked to my achievements or role or how others think of me.

I am conscious of my weaknesses, and the stuff I'm not good at, and I feel that it's ok to not be perfect. I can apologise and take responsibility when I make mistakes, although I don't always enjoy it! I think I'm generally kind because I don't feel competitive or insecure around other people.

There was a thread a few days ago that left me feeling so sad - a lady around my age was writing about her great 'success' in life but she had this pervasive feeling of inadequacy despite it all. I'm sure she'd consider me much less 'successful' by her measures, but I'm very happy with my life and with who I am.

I did a counselling course years ago and I remember something the tutor told me - she said self esteem is the difference between how you see yourself and how you want to be. If there's a huge gap then your self esteem is low, very wise words.

I have good self esteem. It means that I feel very comfortable about myself and wouldn’t really want to change anything. On the upside, it means I’m very content and easygoing. On the downside, I find it hard to make changes (eg lose a stone in weight) because I’m basically happy as I am.

I don’t get jealous of other people, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it genuinely. I don’t feel jealous of attractive women for example. I don’t feel threatened if my husband talks to women or has female friends , I know I’m good at my job, I also know I have flaws, but am fundamentally comfortable with who I am.

I must have high self-esteem as I operate on the assumption that 90% of the population are idiots, and I observe very little evidence to disprove my hypothesis.

I have good self esteem as I feel confident and comfortable with who I am and what I do. As children we were all made to feel we were special and valued and parents always told us that being the best we could be, whoever that was, would mean we were perfect. At work I seem to know my strengths and weaknesses and I know I am quite bright and friendly which means people generally respond positively to me. And although I do get shy or nervous I have a big smile that seems to make others smile so gets me a good first impression. Not blushing helps me look like I know what I'm doing too which helps! Also I have spent time with high powered people who are seen as really important and quickly realised they are all just normal people. We all are. So we're all good.

Agree with Angelonia, I am very comfortable in my own skin, happy and content with how my life has turned out, and really don't care about anyone else's opinion .. But that does mean I rarely strive for anything or make many changes in my life.
I also don't feel envious of anyone else's lifestyle, looks, houses or handbags . I know exactly what I enjoy doing ... and make sure that's how I lead my life even during lockdown.

AgeLikeWine to be frank I think that's something different to good self esteem ...

My DH has very good self esteem. He is completely unembarrassable. He doesn't feel the need to big himself up or put himself down too much either, in other words, he has a healthy and realistic view of himself.

Self esteem isn't static and it's domain specific. You can have great self-esteem when it comes to sports/ your looks etc but maybe not for parenting / academia , or vice versa.

I do now.
I feel that my opinion matters and I'm not afraid to go against the grain.
I am proud of myself and what I have achieved.
What makes me happy is important.
I can be happy for other people doing well without any feelings of envy because my life is how I want it to be and I've made good choices.
I feel pretty lucky. I have never wished I was someone else I am very content with my looks, figure, intelligence, personality etc.
I understand not everything in life is perfect. You sometimes need to accept things and move on.
Never gonna happen but If my wonderful dp ran off with someone else I know it would be his devastating loss

I’m reminded that my self-esteem is comparatively high every time I read posts on here worrying about other people not liking them, or going to ridiculous lengths to ‘buy’ their liking with acts of service. In every new social encounter, I am unfazed by what other people make of me as I am primarily focused on whether I like them.

@MistakenGolfShot you raise a good point - how does it feel? * A lot of the posters have made very good replies, and whilst they are largely right.
I think @Mummyshark2018 is more accurate self-esteem fluctuates * and you may be fully confident/resilient in one area and not in another. It called being human!

It has taken me years of battling with low self-esteem, seeing pyschologists & hard work - but, I am finally there/here . However, despite the low self-esteem I have had a sucessful front-line career, able to inspire and help others. I think having low self-esteem makes you more empathetic to others.

It does tend to be to be a emotional reaction to how parents/family or close friends have made us feel in our early years.

Building up resilience and confidence through fire & fire-fighting the chaos life keeps throwing at me (apparently it's not personal!); is a learned skill, not to be sneered at. People with in-built high self-esteem & self-confidence, can never really understand the damage low self-esteem and self-doubt leaves on the ego.

But, having low self-esteem does not mean you are not capable and strong, if anything it means you are more resilient than you know.

I used to have extremely low self esteem but I went through therapy and turned it around.

I think the key was I went from thinking I was fundamentally 'flawed' and needed to earn love/respect/approval/acceptance (which was always just out of reach) to believing I was fundamentally ok and that my worth was a given, so if other people didn't accept me it didn't matter if that makes any sense . And of course, once we accept ourselves others pick up on that and it's much easier to be accepted by others.

This all happened over a period of around 3 months with a very skilled therapist and was lifechanging!

So to answer the question in the OP - I'm not dependent on others to validate me.

I feel capable. So I feel confident that most things that come along, I can deal with them or hVe the ability to access help which will allow me to cope with them.
I feel rational and sensible. I have self belief in my own abilities to make judgements. That means that when I make a decision based on the info I have, I m happy with it - doesn't mean it's a perfect decision but I trust myself to make a sensible choice.
I have expectations of how I should be treated and will speak up if I feel these are being significantly under-met. So I expect to be listened to, taken seriously, not physically or verbally abused, not taken for granted...I cut people some slack but if someone really X two's over the mark I would have no trouble voicing it (politely of course)
I feel loved and valued. My family love me and I feel confident in their love and that they are around for the long haul. I have friends who like to spend time with me.

Here's one no-one else has mentioned, but I think is actually at the heart of my self-worth - as a Christian, I believe I am a child of God and He loves me regardless of things I've done. Because Jesus has died for me, I am secure as a child of God - totally loved and secure in that position which cannot be taken away or changed no matter what I do or anyone thinks of me. With that kind of eternal perspective and if you're a Christian who has fully grasped their position with God, it's pretty hard to have low self esteem.

For lots of people this last point will seem rather odd I'm sure. But I have to say it's at the heart of it for me. Peoples self worth can be transformed when they realise you don't earn your way to Heaven and are loved just for who you are.

I think I have good esteem. I am happy and content with my life and I tend to assume most people like me. I have a good group of friends, that have known me a very long time, and I know they are good people with integrity. They wouldn't be friends with me if I wasn't a decent person surely? And I know DH really loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous even after all these years which helps a lot.

But mainly I always remember Mother Teresa's advice to Princess Diana which was 'if you want good self esteem then do esteem able things'. So I always try to act with integrity. I avoid malicious gossip. If you confide in me it will never go any further. If I can help you out, I will. I try to be kind as much as possible. I'm very loyal and despise petty or spiteful behaviour.

I don't really care whether others like me or not. I like me and that's what matters.

I have high standards for how I treat others and expect to be treated similarly, if I'm not though I can let it go easily and not dwell on it. I take very, very little personality.

I look at my friends and see that I am surrounded by good people because I am a good person.

I don't judge others on materialistic things and don't ever feel the need to show off about these kinds of things.

Apart from some wobbles in my teens/20s I have always felt like this. I don't think I really realised that others didn't until my 30s. I think I was very lucky to have very good parents which gave me the self confidence to explore the world and who I am.

Personally not personality !!

One of the things which I left off - I live life very in line with my ethics and morals which I think brings a strong sense of peace to me.

Agree with many things already said. Also:
Being true to yourself & never feeling that you have to follow the crowd
Not overthinking things
Acknowledging that not everyone will like me & that’s ok
Not comparing myself to others
Not being jealous of others or feeling that I’m missing out
Don’t have regrets: the decisions I made at that time were done with the best knowledge I had at that time
Always try to be kind and if others are not kind back, I don’t take this personally, I try to understand that they might have something they are struggling with

Good self esteem makes friendships and relationships uncomplicated and angst free. I'm secure in myself, so I assume that my friends like me and my DH loves me, and it's easy for me to return that love and affection. And if it turns out that I'm wrong and my lovely DH leaves me, I would be very very sad but ultimately I know I'd be ok, because my sense of self comes from within rather than being dependent on another person.

My self esteem is pretty good, becsuse DD thinks I'm a great dad and DW loves me. I spent the first half of my life as a failure, with no shortage of people telling me so. Turns out they were wrong. Also DGS goes mad with joy when he sees me, his partner in crime.

Another very good point Angelonia, I agree self esteem means being comfortable in your own company and also knowing that you are responsible for your own happiness, not anyone else. I do have a lovely circle of friends and family but I am also very happy on my own and don't 'need' other people to make me happy. I am also very confident about moving to new areas (have relocated a few times in my life) and know I will always make friends and enjoy whatever a new area has to offer.

@Angelonia

Good self esteem makes friendships and relationships uncomplicated and angst free. I'm secure in myself, so I assume that my friends like me and my DH loves me, and it's easy for me to return that love and affection. And if it turns out that I'm wrong and my lovely DH leaves me, I would be very very sad but ultimately I know I'd be ok, because my sense of self comes from within rather than being dependent on another person.

This really resonated with me. I have a good group of friends that I have known for years and years, and have never had any angst with any of them. We've never so much as had heated words. They're good people who behave with integrity and who care about my wellbeing and want the best for me, and I feel the same about them. My silly Mum always had an ever changing circle of friends who constantly fell out and bitched and she was jealous of their achievements and successes. I never understood her attitude because surely if someone is your friend then you are pleased when they're successful and you want them to be happy? But apparently not. Even as a little girl I avoided the bitchy cliques at school and despised petty mindedness. This led to me being bullied once or twice but I refused to conform and just walked my own path instead.

@WombatChocolate

Although, I am a Christian, I have suffered with low self-esteem for a lot of my adult life. Whilst, I believe God loves me and cares despite my flaws & faults; He/she is not the problem - I am! but that's okay, because I am human
As I said earlier, it has taken years to work on my self-esteem (with help), and although I am capable & confident in some areas of my life, in others, I am not so much - and still have wobbles - & that is okay.

Everyone and their lives are different, and what is easy for some, is harder/tougher for others.

Our inner pysche is affected by so many things as we grow up, and as we grow as adults, we understand more, and see others looking as if their lives is so easy & we hurt and question our own abilities to cope with life. But many are wearing an outer mask, just like the rest of us.

Those with low self-esteem exist in loving families, may have lovely friends etc. etc. But, low self-esteem is vicious, undermining, internal and it doesn't let go easy.

People with it, are not weak, they struggle their way through an internal noisy jungle, surviving their everyday lives in spite of the added emotional stress and chaos of life. They are resilient and 'stronger than they think' - and while I don't particularly like the word 'strong' - we bounce back or drag ourselves us somehow and carry on.
Hope this helps, people understand better
Otherwise, agree with what good self-esteem is, as described by other poster and your good self.
Peace and love