Feeling so fed up

[morninglarking]

Feeling so fed up recently with parenting, I know I probably sound awful but I'm at the end of my patience

I have a 10m old who in general up until now has mostly been cheerful, developing well and sleeping and eating as should be. Happy and laughing a lot of the time and by all means thriving. We shower attention and love on him, put him first in everything and he was very very wanted after a long struggle ttc.

However, tantrums are now starting regularly, general frustration from not being able to get around everywhere and into everything, not co-operating with nappy changes or getting dressed, screaming and crying a lot, hating the pushchair and carrier, not liking time with other people apart from DH and I, demanding my full attention at all times all day so nothing at all can get done without a showdown, I could go on

I am fully aware this is normal baby behaviour and I more than signed up for it. It is probably only going to get worse - but, I am now starting to wonder if there is something really wrong with me

I feel so intolerant of the noise and am desperately craving peace and quiet and time to do whatever I want without a care. I am naturally introverted and overwhelmed by things and have been in tears begging DH to take over regularly since the birth.
I find myself vividly fantasising about a child free life almost every day and honestly can't remember why I even wanted a baby in the first place. I either feel numb or overwhelmed and anxious all day every day, the things I expected to enjoy make me feel nothing. The things I thought I'd find hard border on impossible.
I am dreading every new stage of his life and can struggle to see past the negatives, difficulties and hassle they will bring.

I never want to face the day when the morning comes around and feel like I'm dragging myself to the weekend when DH gladly spends time with our baby, loving every minute of their time together. He doesn't see it the way I do at all which is causing strain on us while he is very supportive

I often cry myself to sleep wondering why on earth I did this and what on earth convinced me this was something I wanted. I clearly had no idea what it was really going to be like and if I had, I would never have chosen this life. I feel like I'm I prison. I wish I could just snap out of it and enjoy it the way I imagined I would. I thought I was born for this.

I love the joy he brings to our families and friends but have noticed the big distance in my friendships now as I was the first to have a baby, they don't understand what it's like and hearing about their child-free lives stings.

I have confided in my mum about how I feel but she was so disappointed that I haven't been enjoying it and didn't know what to say that I don't feel I can speak to her anymore about it and have now reverted to pretending everything is fine which she seems much happier about. Friends don't know what to say as they don't have children so can't relate.

I thought having a baby was going to be the ultimate feeling of love, completion almost. Hard but I'd do it gladly and it would be worth it. I wanted it so badly, I couldn't wait to be a mum.
It feels nothing like that at all I feel lost, sad and full of regret.

Anyone?

I didn't want to read and run. Have you considered that you might have PND? It doesn't have to happen immediately after the birth.

Also, have you been breastfeeding? Sometimes stopping or reducing (like when baby is weaning or dropping night feeds) can put hormones a bit out of whack.

Hi OP

Didn't want to read and run. My little boy is the same age and I agree things can definitely get overwhelming and I do sometimes crave that care free life I once had.

Saying that I wouldn't change it and he is my absolute world. Is this a new feeling OP? Or have you felt like this from birth?

It's a frustrating age for them and us and your feelings may also be heightened due to the current pandemic. Can your DH give you some time at weekends on your own?

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post!

I have wondered if it's PND but always assumed I don't feel depressed enough or that it would be different to how I feel, more extreme or not having loving feelings for your baby.. I definitely love my son more than anything, it's just the crushing responsibility and monotonous, boring, hideously difficult life of parenting that I hate. Not sure that can be classed as PND?

It just feels more like I can't let go of my child-free life and accept that this is my life now

DH is really great, he often takes our baby at the weekends and always does his bedtime routine so I get breaks, they just never seem long enough

Sorry @MyloC I didn't answer all your questions -

I felt elated and high on life after his birth for about a week and then plunged into deep depression, panic attacks etc for a month or so with all the hormones and stopping breastfeeding.. it got much better but it's been there ebbing and flowing ever since then really, probably less intense now I'm not so new to it but I definitely hoped to be enjoying it more by now

@ScarfLadysBag I was breastfeeding at the start but decided to stop when I started feeling very depressed, it was worse during that time so definitely agree hormones make it worse

I totally understand, my two were hard work about this age. They start to get an idea of what they want, or where they want to go/reach but can't move about much and get frustrated. When they get older they can move more and get more exercise and get more tired so not so frustrated. At least mine did anyway. And there's teething. And it's so hard at the moment on lockdown, not being able to get out much. But as others have said don't rule out PND, it has odd ways of manifesting itself in certain ways at certain times and not necessarily at the start. Maybe talk it through with your HV?

When I had my first much longed for baby after several mc and a stillbirth people assumed I'd be absolutely over the moon to be a mum, I was for the first 3-4 weeks, then I just felt completely overwhelmed. Like I was sinking. If I ever mentioned it to others I got bemused looks and the "it gets easier" speech.

Your post really resonated with me, as back them I felt very much how you are feeling now and it's really difficult to explain.

When my dc was around 1 year I ended up going to see my GP and I was prescribed anti depressants. I never felt depressed, I loved my baby but just felt so low and lost. I'm not saying you have PND, nor that medication is the answer, however do have a chat with GP / health visitor as it really can help.

I still get times when I feel like you've described and my eldest is now almost 8! Being a parent is life changing, it's also ok not to love the early years.

My first thought was also PND. I think you should chat to your GP.
Don't feel bad for feeling like this. The reality of being a first time parent is overwhelming and really hard and being tired makes everything worse.
In particular if you struggled to conceive, the ideal of having a baby can be built up in your head and the reality will undoubtedly be very different.
But do remember it does get better. You will get there.
Talk to people. Maybe find a local mother's group - on Facebook maybe? And try to reconnect with things just for you that make you feel human and like your old self.
Zoom drinks with old mates?

Whether it's PND or 'just depression', you sound depressed. Depression isn't necessarily sitting in tears all day every day. It is withdrawl, apathy, stress. Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience. Speak to your GP. They may be able to help with medication or refer your for talking therapy.

I felt like you OP. I found the baby stage cripplingly boring and exhausting at the same time. Our first was a screamer and a bad sleeper. I couldn't wait to get back to work for a break. My pregnancy wasn't planned, which didn't help. It gets better though so hang on in there. My daughter was a delightful child and I loved the years after babyhood. She's a married woman now and expecting her first. I'm acting positive but in reality I'm sad for her, as I think she has an idealised idea of what having a baby will be like. Nothing prepares you for it.

Maybe it could be PND then, did those of you who got treatment for that find it helped? Were you happier and did you find it more enjoyable afterwards?

I've been convincing myself that I must not be a baby/child person and to just get through this time and eventually he'll be grown up and I'll get more freedom back with each stage but it kills me that I'm wishing his life away and just dragging myself through this time when before, I was so depressed at the idea of not having children at all and was dragging myself through life then too

Didn’t want to read and run. It could well be an element of PND - I had this shortly after DD was born and it was awful. I started antidepressants and within about 3 weeks I felt almost myself again. I am so thankful for my GP listening to me and getting me started on something to help.

I also want to say it is OK not to love every second of having a child. My (lovely) DD has just turned 3, and I still miss the freedom and calm of a childfree life, particularly on those more challenging days. Lockdown has made everything 100 x more difficult, and I imagine that is even worse with a much younger child. At that age baby groups and coffee shop lunches were my saviour - I felt like I was going loopy at home on my own all day with a baby.

I would say have a chat with your GP - if it is PND then getting on some treatment will help.

And please don’t feel guilty for feeling like you do. It can be hard, boring and draining. It just seems like it’s a weird taboo to say that!

Thanks everyone, it's eye opening to hear it from others

I don't think I'm supposed to hate my life as much as I do

Oh I wish I could give you a cuddle. Please go and see your GP to talk things through - if you can get help / treatment you will likely feel so much better.

I felt very similar in the fog of PND. I would wake up and be so upset another day was beginning. It was just miserable. I never, ever feel like that now.