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Original poster

How do I respond to Fil?

27 replies

Jkslays · 10/06/2020 15:41

So Fil was a complete arsehole to me beginning of last week. I had to see him over some financial issues and he started ranting and raving at me. It was just supposed to be a quick chat, for me just to clarify things. Conversation started off ok but as time went on he started talking about other things from dh past ( that I had nothing to do with) his voice got louder and louder which brought the kids over. ( They were feeding animals we were all out side he has very large garden) He ending up bizarrely telling me/shouting at me what Bil had said at our wedding about dh and I - unpleasant things) and at that point I left in tears.

In complete shock tbh.

Now there is a bit of a back story - I don’t speak to mil and bil because they ruined my wedding for me. I was really depressed for about six months after because of it. FiL also said something offensive about me when dh was giving a speech about me. So I didn’t speak to all three for quite awhile.

Fil eventually worked his way back in. None of them have ever apologised. Dh started speaking to mil and bil about six months after wedding. So all of them are all happy families.

Dh and I are separating and I’m done with the fucking lot of them. We’re still living in the same house though untill we can move out. It’s amicable.

Dh went round to see fil right after the blow up and he also had a massive go at dh, saying I came in with a bad attitude ( I absolutely did not) and that I threw a picture of his ill relative on the table ( this is also an utter lie)

I was gobsmacked dh came back and said this.

Any way I’ve just received a message off Fil apologising and saying he misses me and the kids and he can’t even remember what he says and can I forgive him.

I’m not arsed about an apology because I’ve completely checked out of his entire family. But I don’t want to look like an arse hole dragging it out making things awkward but at the same time I don’t want him here coming to see the kids either. Also I’m doing a lot of work not holding on to resentments ( of that twatty family) as I want to move on.

What should I write back?

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 10/06/2020 15:45

I'd be tempted to not reply at all.

gutentag1 · 10/06/2020 15:46

Don't reply, this is a perfect reason to go completely NC.

kaleidoscopeantebellum · 10/06/2020 15:48

I agree don't reply at all and let your ex deal with the children's relationship with his family.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
Windyatthebeach · 10/06/2020 15:48

No need to be polite and reply op. Being rude is all they can recognise..
Roll on your freedom.

Coffeecak3 · 10/06/2020 15:49

I think you have very good reason to reject him and his apology. This wont be the last row if you remain in contact.
Your dc can still see fil with their dad.

BMW6 · 10/06/2020 15:51

No reply, no contact.

Original poster
Jkslays · 10/06/2020 15:52

@Windyatthebeach

No need to be polite and reply op. Being rude is all they can recognise.. Roll on your freedom.
Jesus I know. I think I’ve just be so used to taking it on the chin, when really I should have been telling each on to get to fuck.
OP posts:
Bundlemuffin · 10/06/2020 15:55

Do not respond. You don't need to deal with these people any more. DH can deal with his own twatty family (if any communication is necessary).

I would absolutely cut these people out of my life and would definitely not facilitate any contact between them and my kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2020 15:59

No response is the perfect response, and if you ever see him in the future and he tries to apologise, I would flatly refuse it. Fuck him and the lot of them.

Original poster
Jkslays · 10/06/2020 15:59

I knew you guys would back me up! Grin

I was contemplating a pathetic - ‘it’s ok don’t worry’

He phoned Dh crying last night saying his head is in bits over his ill relative. I knew this message was coming.

OP posts:
lightyearsahead · 10/06/2020 16:06

Don't be rude, be non emotional. If he wants to see the kids let DH organize it outside of the house. Do not engage in and sort of dialogue. If FIL contacts you tell DH to deal with the query.
Good luck with everything.

GalwayGrowl · 10/06/2020 16:21

Block him.

Baseline2815 · 10/06/2020 16:27

You are splitting with dh, so you may as well begin as you mean to go on: all future contact between the dc and dh's parents is his responsibility. You're done. Don't reply to this message or any other. Block fil's number. Pour yourself a drink and celebrate.

Original poster
Jkslays · 10/06/2020 17:39

I’m not responding. Dh thinks I should ‘let it go’ as he is upset at his relative being gravely ill. Which makes me look like a headless twat.

I’ve just literary listed an inventory of shit through out the last decade I’ve took and ‘let go’

Dh replied with ‘fine’

So now I’m a twat as fil was obviously looking to come here so I could pander to him and make him feel better.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 10/06/2020 17:44

DH’s family and their dramas are no longer your circus or your monkeys. Ignore. You don’t have to pander to anyone anymore.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2020 17:49

Stop caring what any of them think, op. It just doesn't matter.

TinyPigeon · 10/06/2020 17:53

Literally never speak to him again. He completely lied about you to your DH! That is much worse than going off at you imo.

Bundlemuffin · 10/06/2020 18:08

"Let it go?" Who are you married to? Elsa from Frozen?

Seriously, your FIL has behaved unbelievably badly to you in front of your kids and lied about you to your DH. And you haven't done a single thing back to him. I think that's pretty good in the "letting it go" stakes.

Your DH should not be letting it go. The reason your FIL feels entitled to behave like a twat whenever he wants is that so many people around him have been letting it go for years. It's an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and your DH should be protecting his kids from it if he's any kind of a father. But it sounds as though he's just too lazy to set any boundaries with his parents. He would rather take the easy route and smooth over the surface, rather than deal with the rancid crap underneath. I guess I can see why you're divorcing him.

IndieRo · 10/06/2020 18:12

Ignore him. If you and hubby are separating then you don't have to deal with fil.

Original poster
Jkslays · 10/06/2020 18:17

@TinyPigeon

Literally never speak to him again. He completely lied about you to your DH! That is much worse than going off at you imo.
I know. That bothered me the most. I think he knew dh would go mad at him and he invented something up and I can’t pot my finger on why but it just feels like a massive warning or something
OP posts:
Original poster
Jkslays · 10/06/2020 18:28

@Bundlemuffin

"Let it go?" Who are you married to? Elsa from Frozen?

Seriously, your FIL has behaved unbelievably badly to you in front of your kids and lied about you to your DH. And you haven't done a single thing back to him. I think that's pretty good in the "letting it go" stakes.

Your DH should not be letting it go. The reason your FIL feels entitled to behave like a twat whenever he wants is that so many people around him have been letting it go for years. It's an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and your DH should be protecting his kids from it if he's any kind of a father. But it sounds as though he's just too lazy to set any boundaries with his parents. He would rather take the easy route and smooth over the surface, rather than deal with the rancid crap underneath. I guess I can see why you're divorcing him.

Dh is in FOG. Realised that along time ago. And yeah we’re divorcing because I can see him turning in to his father.

. Last night when he was doing something for his brother I asked him wasn’t he bothered about what his brother was supposed to have said about us on our wedding day and he said he’d asked him ‘why did you say that to dad’? His brothers response was ‘yeah I shouldn’t have’. So that was it. Done sorted. Then he said ‘what do expect me to do? Cut them out?’

I couldn’t be bothered replying to that as it’s of no consequence of mine now.

But as a poster said - not my circus not my monkeys any more.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/06/2020 19:07

Send fil this message: ‘You lies about me throwing the picture. I’m blocking you.’ Then block him.

RandomMess · 10/06/2020 19:27

If I replied it would be more "I'm sure DH will bring the DC to see you when he is looking after them"

So basically washing your hand of him...

Nicolastuffedone · 10/06/2020 19:45

Don’t reply. I am NC with my in-laws. It’s utter bliss. I’m a different culture and a disappointment.....I couldn’t care any less than I do. Not bothered in the least, they can talk all they like about me, what do I care? They live abroad and don’t travel any more, so I never need to see them or have them try to convert me to their religion any more.....’it’s wonderful!

ttigerlilly · 10/06/2020 19:52

I wouldn't reply if I were you, OP. Why bother, you haven't been treated with any respect at all. Thanks