How to talk to 5 yo DS about death?

[MummaGiles]

My dad has had cancer for a good few years. We have always known that it is sadly incurable, but I have never spoken to DS about this. My parents live a few hours away so we don’t see them very often, so DS has been shielded from it somewhat. At worst DS has just seen his grandad lacking energy/stamina. DS adores his grandad, they’re like two peas in a pod, and I think he’s just always so happy to be with him he almost overlooks it. Plus at times like Christmas when we would spend a lot of time with them, we would tend to stay in anyway so dad’s inability to walk too far or do much has been masked.

Unfortunately things aren’t looking good now. I am going to have to talk to DS to explain how poorly his grandad is. I don’t want to have to tell him out of nowhere that his grandad has died, I think it would be best to prepare him.

Has anyone got any advice on how to go about this?

I'm so sorry about your dad.
You might find it helpful to read a book to him, and then talk about it afterwards. the book below tells the story of a tree that gets very ill and a little squirrel who is worried about the tree and sad that nobody can help it.
www.amazon.co.uk/Gentle-Willow-Story-Children-about/dp/1591470722?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

all the best x

Just explain it in simple terms, say grandad is ill, and sometimes when we are ill, doctors can make us better, but sometimes they can't. They aren't going to be able to make grandad better, so soon there will come a day when we wont see him any more, but we can still talk about him and think about him.

I'm guessing you won't see grandad but could you connect on Zoom?

Yr ds may have questions like will he die, will you die, and it's OK to say yes, in the end, but we hope not for a long long time. Just answer his questions as honestly as you can.

I think the most important thing is not to make it sound as tho grandad has just gone for a while, or is asleep or away, as he will want to see him again.

Sorry that you are having to go through this.

Thank you for taking the time to reply

Two books that deal with death/loss that spring to mind are Alfie and the Birthday Surprise by Shirley Hughes, and The Invisible String by Patrice Karst.
The Alfie book is about the neighbours cat, who is old. The neighbour and the cat are great pals, and then Smokey dies, and the neighbour misses him.
They get him a kitten for his birthday. It just deals with death very sweetly.
The Invisible String is more about missing those we love, but they are always attached to us.
Sorry about your DF.

Badgers parting gift is a book we read to DS when he was 5 and we knew MIL’s death was imminent.

We had already talked to him more generally about when people get very old and poorly sometimes the doctors can’t help them anymore

I think it really helped him to understand what death was. I can still picture his little face when I told him Grandma had died .

But he understood and bounced back very quickly, as kids do. Be prepared for the very blunt statements and questions in the days after!

You will be surprised how they react. At that age it will probably just be 'OK' and then they will carry in like nothing has happened. In fact you will probably be upset at his under reaction

Thank you. I am prepared for him to process things in a completely different way to me. I know it probably won’t elicit the same sort of emotional response in him.

When my dd died my sister told her grandchildren that she had gone to live in heaven. It was very difficult and upsetting to deal with.
Everytime they came to my house they would ask if dd had came back yet or if we could go and see her. It came to the point I couldn't face having them in my house. They were 5 and 3 at the time.
The lnvisible String is a good book.

DS started asking questions at about 4 because he worked out that DH and I have mums but not dads (both deceased) and talked about how bodies can be so ill or old that they don't work anymore so people die.

One thing that is important is to use the words death, dead, dying. Trying to use other terms to lessen the blow can be massively confusing for little ones. Show your own emotions, talk about your own feelings and spend lots of time together. Sometimes it’s not the words, but just a presence that helps.

Thank you everyone.

@ParkheadParadise I’m so sorry to hear about your experience x

Goodbye Mog and My Henry both by Judith Kerr are both wonderful, sensitive books about death.