Would you leave your child with this person?

[BeatrixPottersAlterEgo]

I'm being deliberately vague so don't scold me

Person means well, is extremely generous, and loves the child very much. Has children of their own,however they do the following

• drive short distances without seat belts or car seats - I have seen their toddler standing up and bouncing on seats
• thinks that choking concerns are nonsense - scoffs at any suggestions that grapes, Haribo or those hard lollies may be hazardous.
• always smells of smoke though apparently smokes in garage
• very lax about holding children's hands when out and about - have seen this person walking beside a main street with their under 3 trailing five foot behind.
• absolutely no rules or regulations around sweets and takes great joy in stuffing children with sweets "don't tell mummy" etc
• swear and use some very non PC terms around kids.
• struggle to control the behaviour of their own children which can be quite rough.

When I write it down it seems obvious, but for a variety of boring reasons I'm going to have to be very firm in how I manage this person's expectations (lockdown aside) however neither do I want to cause a falling out, became they aren't a bad person in themselves

And it's a no from me.

I read the first point about the car and that was it, it would be a huge no from me.

My in laws are very lax with car seats therefore they have never seen our children without us being there.

Only read five lines in..no. the seatbelt is a deal breaker.

I literally got half way through the first sentence and was like 'nope' 😭

No way ever at all.And they need telling why.

Nope.

are you really expecting people to say yes?

No way

Yes, are they available tomorrow?

No. Not even for five minutes.

If it's someone close who you'll need to have a conversation with about why they won't be providing childcare (eg your sister who is offering to do it) and you're really pushed (ie they won't accept any platitudes you give) I'd just say "we have such different parenting styles and we will be leaving DC in childcare that mirrors our own for consistency.

@borntohula

The car seat one is an absolute no, the rest arent great either, so no I wouldn't feel happy about it.

No. They aren’t keeping their children safe, no chance they would be risking my child’s life too.

No

Is it fil??
Sounds like my exfil..

No way. If this person wants to see the children make sure you are with them. I wouldn't be leaving them unsupervised. Just because the person means well doesn't mean an accident couldn't happen. Some people are lovely but completely clueless around children.

Point 1 was enough! Absolutely no way. To be honest though reading further down your list any one of those would probably stop me leaving my child with them and I’d probably strongly limit contact if I could and see them without the children. I’ve had to do this in the past with friends who think sugar loading little children is fun, it’s actually really cruel. Poor kid bounces off the walls, hurts themselves or someone else or breaks something in the hyperactivity.. then has a tearful sugar crash and feels terrible. Not fun at all for that poor child.

never; out of the question even for a playdate.

The seatbelt thing is a huge red flag; in their house there are no doubt multiple unprotected child hazards like accessible bleach or medication etc.

You lost me at point one. Anything after that is just extra reasons to not allow this absolute fucking idiot to have my children in their care.

There is absolutely NO reason to not have a seat belt on in a car. Not having a car seat is one thing but there is a seatbelt available for every seat in almost every car on our roads. No excuse.

Definitely not. I'm assuming it's a relative which makes it awkward, but you would never forgive yourself if something happened.

No. They are not fit to care for them.

Sorry, phone died and toddler decided to party all night

Thank you. Pre lockdown this relative was putting a lot of pressure on us to let DD come for visits etc and it's quite tricky, as they live close by and will end up being extremely offended because "minding so and so's kids" seems to be a bit of a badge of honour round here.

I had no intention of leaving DD with her. I do think she would be more inclined to do the "big" things like use a car seat, because it's someone else's child, but I simply couldn't be sure, so I'd be worried sick all the time.

I know it seems obvious, of course it is, but it's a hard one to explain. The relative comes across as very common sense and in charge (a bit controlling actually) and at first glance you simply wouldn't expect her to do the things I've listed, but then she does, has done for years, and no one has ever mentioned it or called it into question, even though nobody else would do it? Then on the other hand she does very nice normal things for the family children too. I'm not explaining very well.

@toinfinityandlockdown I couldn't agree more and this REALLY annoys me. I've seen quite a few adults get a good old giggle out of getting a child hyped up on sugar, then getting cross when said child throws the mother of all tantrums

Not a chance and tell them why
This is your child's safety we are talking about , I don't care about how 'nice' they seem

I wouldn't. There are several points there that by themselves would be a no. Even if nothing happened you'd spend the whole time feeling very worried.