Agreeing custody after several years of unsatisfactory informal arrangement.
In short: how do I get my ex to accept equal and regular childcare responsibilities?
A bit of context:
2 children, aged 9 and 12. Homes within 25 mins walking distance.
So, when my ex moved out a few years ago, she started working shifts in retail. Ever since she has used this as her excuse as to how limited and irregularly she has the children.
Essentially, she only has them on her two days off and when she takes holidays. These days vary and I never know more than 4 weeks in advance what her upcoming shift schedule looks like.
Obviously this has had a profound negative impact on my life. While I am lucky to have a very flexible employer (a close friend of mine actually, most employers wouldn’t accept my lack of commitment to set days), I have only been able to work part-time in a job I don’t really care for, something I can neither afford in the long term, nor want. I have been unable to lead much of a social life due to my unpredictable schedule.
In the dating world, that makes me hugely unattractive obviously because nobody else wants to organise their life around my ex’s work schedule, and rightly so. I have been incredibly lucky to have met a wonderful woman 18 months ago, but starting a new life together is very tricky when my life is so unpredictable.
I also think the children would hugely benefit from a more settled routine. Often they are only gone for a day and every week is different basically. The regular five days on five days off during lockdown has benefitted them immensely I think.
Initially, I think I was very child-focused and didn’t really think about myself. I was easily guilted into thinking this is best for the children so I just shut up and got on with it, bar the vague complaint every few months that this can’t go on forever. Anyway, I have always basically been ignored or laughed off, and never really planned how exactly to reach a solution that works for me. Basically, I am not sure why I ever accepted this arrangement but I am struggling a bit to develop a strategy to put in place changes that my children and I would benefit from.
The excuse has always been that I live mortgage-free (true) and therefore am in a better position to make the financial/career sacrifice, whereas she claims she would love to see the children more but simply can’t afford to. On the issue of money I can say that while I am certainly in a position to be mortgage-free, I am not in a position to live without a fulltime salary. In the long run, the children lose out financially the longer my work stagnates.
I take my parental responsibilities seriously, but I don’t think it is fair to expect me to accept the current arrangement.
Also, she claims the child benefits, despite me being the primary carer.
I have raised this again today, as she is about to go back to work after 3 months at home during which we shared custody equally for the first time.
I suppose my question is how do I go about finding a way to agree on an arrangement that actually allows me to get on with my life, and my children to spend more time with their mother?
thanks for reading