How to stop jumping in to friendships?

[ScreamingKid]

I've been doing alot of self analysis during lockdown and one of the things I've noticed is that I am too keen to be liked and have a tendency to jump in and try and assume a friendship even when perhaps I have an instinct that it's not right. I find I have a tendency to divulge personal information quite early on, or I often misread people's intentions and think they seem to want to be friendly and then its clear they were just being nice,but actually don't want more than polite chat. But its confusing as the message is not clear. I also have a natural drive to help others which is rarely reciprocated. I think this is tied up with my desire to be liked etc. I have always had caring type jobs as well so I do seen to be driven by that.

I think I have traced it back ,I had a very tricky childhood and we moved around alot and I would change schools every year or so as a result. In some ways that is good as I feel I handle change better than others. But I suspect always being the new girl has left me with the issues I've identified.

For example , there is a group of mums at my sons school. One in particular is friendly and lovely to everyone. I have spoken to her loads (pre lockdown) , been for coffee mornings with others etc . But as soon as I tried to instigate a coffee with just the two of us she backed off. I hasten to add this was just when we bumped into each other and she said something about how we must catch up. I then texted to follow up to suggest a meeting and she made an excuse, said she would come back to me and never did. It's a bit of a minor example, but I seem to misread signals like this all the time. I took her being nice as her wanting to see me 1 on 1 because she had suggested it. When in fact she seems to just want to see me in a group context and probably sees me as an acquaintance. That's all fine of course , but why do I not read the signals to know this?

Another example is how I am always prepared to help others. These can be acquaintances or friends, and if I can see they have an issue then I offer to help. It falls out of my mouth before I thave time to stop it, even though I often have a 'WTF' voice in my head. I am then left disappointed when people invariably take advantage or dont reciprocate. Its engrained in me to reciprocate when someone does a favour but I find most dont do that.

I sound like a right nigel no mates. , I do have friends (not many, about 4 good friends ). Anyway , just wondering if anyone can identify with how I feel about and if they have resolved it. I am often left feeling hurt and upset by others and tend to shy away from people. But I have a job where all this is very relevant so I need to address it. I recognise this is a 'must be me' situation, I just dont know how to change it.

This is the first time i read/heard so Well, precicely what i feel and do.
Thank you. That is the whole picture. Summed up.
I look forward to read someones reply and get Wiser

You sound like me OP! I get too mates early on and then 4 months down the line I get pissed off with their ‘advice’ on my life, yet I gave them all the info in the first place for them to comment!!

I’ve also realised lots of things about myself during this lockdown.

You sound like me OP.

Things I have done:

1. Spend time developing other hobbies. Not necessarily ones involving other people but things that make you feel good and that you genuinely enjoy
2. Focus on the people in the group that maybe aren’t the centre of attention. They tend to be the ones who have more time for new people in their lives. Often the really popular people just don’t have room. It’s not necessarily personal

Keep trying!!

You make yourself sound very helpless in your OP. You invited her for coffee not because you particularly wanted to, but because to your mind she suggested it (although it sounds as if ‘we must catch up’ was just conversational filler for ‘we’ll talk some other time’?’) and that offers to help ‘just fall out of’ your mouth And you’re disappointed if it’s not reciprocated.

It might be helpful to prioritise your own feelings as a rule.

If you’d like to see more of someone because you really want to, by all means ask them for coffee — that’s how most of us move on from acquaintances to friends. It’s not always reciprocated, or we don’t always like the person on further acquaintance, but that’s not a problem, surely? You try it with a bunch of people and some stick as friends and some don’t.

And think about whether you want to help, regardless of reciprocation — don’t see it as some kind of token of friendship offered and rejected. Or stop helping advantage-taking/exploitative acquaintances and do your helping in an organised volunteer context, where reciprocation/ seeing it as a token of friendship isn’t an issue.

It's not that I feel I don't have enough friends. If anything lockdown has taught me I dont actually need that many people and the friends I have are genuine. I'd say having 4 good friends is pretty average.
It's more this desire to be liked and the behaviour around that i am interested in.

How do i improve my ability to pick up on cues ? Some people are very good at being superifcially equally nice to everybody ,they are generally the ones who in a group of acquaintances (colleagues or school mums) would welcome new people and just be chatty and nicer than most. But on several occasions I have found it's exactly those types who when they suggest a 'we must catch up for coffee ' comment is not really intended because as soon as I follow that up I get a polite excuse. I've made myself sound a bit weird there . What I mean is, I might bump into the person who suggests the coffee, then a few days later I will drop them a text 'lovely to see you. Blah blah. I am off work this week do you fancy meeting up ?' (Obviously pre lockdown) and there is a polite excuse and I will get back to you text. It happens every time. I just dont get why they make the ' we must go for coffee' comment as I take it as a signal they like me and perhaps want to develop the friendship outside of the large group. Just to clarify, the 'we must catch up' comments are clearly not intended as the group as a whole ( for example the mum I referred to in my first post) and has sometimes been people I don't know as part of groups but share that quality of being very nice when you meet them, make offers that signal they may want to get to know me more than an acquaintance,but don't really mean it.

I also want to work out how I suppress the habit to help others. Not that i want to turn into some hard nosed cow , but I find it weirdly fascinating. I seem to spot where people need help in situations where DH for example would be oblivious. I then offer help , often at some inconvenience to myself. Then feel a fool when I am barely thanked or it's not reciprocated. Its like I feel it earns me something which really it shouldn't be. I find it hard to say no when people ask favours. This has all become relevant as I have a business where alot of people ask for my advice outside of work. It's the sort of work where I need to process lots of information and is rarely as simple as just answering their question. I have had to learn to say no to people and if they want that information here is a link to my website with my prices. It's been quite a lesson .

The other thing is how difficult i find groups,for example colleagues. I always struggle to find my place in a group if that makes sense and can never be myself. I tend to be drawn to whoever is the "nice to everyone ' person who tends to hold groups together and then misread that superficial sense of a relationship as a friendship ..Back round to misreading cues again.

I sound like a loon. I'd say if you met me you would find me quite normal. Lockdown has clearly got to me

I could have written your OP, but I’ve learned to rein in my tendencies and calm down a bit with new acquaintances.

I also pull back from the compulsive problem solving (which I recognise is really just control freakery).

For example last week a friend of mine was talking about how his partner is struggling with the reopening of her snack bar now that lockdown is easing. She’s having to hire a member of staff that she can’t afford as they aren’t getting the usual custom yet, but can’t risk staying closed until more tourists come back as there is still rent to pay etc. My instinct was immediately to offer to volunteer, as I used to be a very good waitress when I was younger. However I know that, as much as I get on with him and his partner, they are pretty chaotic people and would be a bloody nightmare to work for. The whole time he was talking I had an internal duologue going on in my head - the sensible, time-served and weary part of my brain screaming at the Eagle Scout part to stop thinking about ways I could help them and mind my own business.

Thankfully the sensible voice won.

I don’t worry about the friendship stuff so much now either. I’ve got a few good friends, I don’t need to push for new ones unless they’re a really good fit (which they rarely are).

Eager Scout is the perfect description

Glad I'm not alone. I think it could be about control. Not that I want control over them , but that I am using it as away of convincing myself I am friends, whe really they are just aquaintancies. As someone else said, they struggling often exploitative as well. I have definitely got better at spotting those types since I started my business up.

Yes,I have learnt that I dont actually want more friends really. Aquaintancies are fine, but few people are worth the effort in my view. It's a 'fit' thing as you say..

I can see where this all started. I remember the feeling of dread whenever we had to move again and I changed school when I was young. The need to try and fit in and make friends when everyone else had already settled. I think someone outgoing would have not minded , but I was shy and lacking confidence. Interestingly , I have deliberately avoided my children changing schools at all and they have a firm group of friends from when they were tiny and are now teens. I felt it was essential they had this grounding. Although one of my children finds friendships very difficult much like I do.

I moved house and school quite a bit when I was young too. As you said, it’s made me very resilient to change (though my sister never coped as well), but possibly prompted other less positive behaviours...

I do wonder with the new friendships thing - aren’t most people just too busy and tired to be bothered with it all as adults? I overthink things a lot, and am quite sensitive to tiny social cues, so I often get into the “shall we catch up / go for coffee” small-talk-that-goes-nowhere situation too. But actually, I probably say things like, “we should catch up” myself, assuming (or hoping?) it won’t really happen, because who can be fagged?

Gosh me and my dp were talking about female friendships yesterday and how many women have quite unhealthy friendship patterns

I don’t - it’s one thing I have always got ‘right ‘ and I think it’s because ;

I enjoy my own company , essentially
When i meet someone I don’t let them in unless I really really like them a lot and click with them
I am not seeking more friends - if it happens , nice but not essential
I have a handful of really close friends and maintain those friendships ((for eg my best friend - uni days -lives in Australia and we are as close as ever )
I sort of always do my own thing
It works because people sort of gravitate to me and always have done

My sister is much more like you describe yourself ! Basically for me - they have to be good enough to earn the right to be my friend !

HTH? Sorry I have a lot of stuff I struggle with but not this (lucky )

So it’s a about self esteem and acceptance ? X

I hate to say it, but I think it does tend to be more prevalent in females. Yes I do think it's a self acceptance thing. I like the good enough to be a friend idea.

I think I am getting better at all this stuff. When I had my first child 15 years ago we joined NCT. I bounded in like an over eager puppy and made 'Friends'. It was lovely to start with ,coffee mornings and BBQS and day trips with the families. But then the rot set in. The catty comments , back stabbing and competitiveness. I remember the last meet up we had at a park for a picnic and the whole conversation was talks of schools and house extensions spattered with boasting about money. Dh said when he got home that he was done with that group and didnt want to be involved. He said we had moved on from the baby years and didnt feel he clicked enough with any of them. He was right. I felt a bit sad for a while , but thought they were just aquaintancies really and none were what I would call friends. Just wished been a bit more cautious at the start and not been so eager to please and as a result put up with stupid comments and feeling uncomfortable when I felt we were being criticised for choices we made or because someone was slagging another off.

I totally get where you're coming from OP. This used to be me.

The "must catch up" thing when they don't mean it. I swear it's a regional thing. Happens here constantly (Midlands) never ever at home (North West). Threw me the first few people who did it to me. Made me really depressed and felt rejected. I don't know why they say it, they must not realise how hurtful it is to be rejected by someone who seemed to be suggesting they wanted to be friends.

Agree with pp the friendliest ones tend to be the most popular. Have the least time or space for new relationships. Also tend to be very publically meeting in groups, so a connector to introduce people to each other but not wanting to meet 1 to 1.

Also beware SM comments and likes, there is a lot of fakeness!

The quieter ones can be lovely.. or.. lunatics who you regret ever giving your number to

I don't have much advice really. All I do differently now is keep my mouth shut and don't offer to help. And don't message people about meeting up unless they are the ones chasing me, via text not just in person.

It sucks really because I like helping people, feeling useful and like I'm contributing to the world. Often I sit at home and feel selfish and bored frankly.

I think about the 5 love languages though, one of mine is acts of service. But as I say I just reign it in and don't do any of it any more. Sad really. I try not to think about it.

You're lucky to have 4 friends

Had to double check I hadn't written this in my sleep or something! This is so me! Moved around a lot as a child, over friendly, divulge TMI early on, over eager to be sociable and end up disappointed when it's not reciprocated.
I'm also a people pleased and did used to be overly helpful to people. Often not reciprocated, taken advantage of or people just thinking I was weird.. I've stopped now. I offered to have my cousin live with us for a little while whilst she started a new job and found a place to live as she was new to the area and she ended up living with us for months, didn't give or offer any money, even for food and my husband had to remind me that she was working full time and earning a very decent wage.. it was then that I realised I was a mug.
I still have the urge to put myself out for people but manage to rein it in!
I think it's good you've noticed this within yourself and now you can start to work on making some slight changes. But don't change who you are, lots of people would kill to be able to be open and friendly toward people at first meeting, it's not a bad thing you just need to protect yourself.

I understand OP.
I crave very deep friendships and am disappointed when it later becomes apparent that they don't want the same level of friendship as me.

Like you, lockdown has made me evaluate again, and like you I've realised I must be missing some cues.

Thank you -Nillynally.

I know some people say they have enough friends and all that. But I think the other thing with me as I always think theres room for more friends. I am happy with my 4 close friends and dont have any of these issue with them , but i dont think i csnt be bothered to make any more. Maybe that's another factor because other people are making the let's go for coffee fake comments because they're friend cup is full. Whereas I'm thinking theres room for more. I really do get this all wrong. Glad I'm not alone in this lunacy though. I am starting today as I received an email last night from a friend of friend asking my views on something related to my business. I am going to email her with a link to my website and ask her to book appointment otherwise I know it will end up with me spending 6 hours of unpaid time looking through complex paperwork just to answer her 'little question '. She has plenty of £ so I will not feel guilty. Although the one's with money are often the worst!

Oh there's always room for more friends!! I find that friends come, go and come back again so I don't force it. I won't see someone for a little while but they always come back and we'll be close whilst we need each other and then not when we don't. If you're happy to be like that then you need to make sure you have lots of friends. I don't understand what people with a strict limit on friends talk about? And also what are you learning from 4 friends? Opening up you social circle is always a good thing just because sensible.
That definitely sounds like the right step regarding referring to your website, see if you can get hold of a copy of 'a woman in your own right' that taught me about being assertive rather than passive aggressive as a woman and really helped with tricky conversations