Noisy shouty neighbours solutions

[amber1995]

DH and I have just bought our first house - moved in just before lockdown - we absolutely love it and are slowly making our way through the decorating.

The one catch is the neighbours. They are a couple (haven't really spoken to them, apart from the occasional necessary text, due to lockdown) with two kids (one is 6 and the other around 2).
The couple (especially the husband) yell at the kids and each other A LOT. I don't mind the kids occasionally crying, and if anything, I quite like a bit of six/two-year old laughter coming through the walls. It's just the shouting.

On VE day, they'd been in the street drinking with neighbours (I'm vulnerable so stayed well away), I think that was the worst it had been so far. It was about 11pm and the older one was watching tv in her bedroom and he went into her bedroom really really yelled at her for having her tv on that late at night, it sounded like he was ripping it off the wall, and then his wife went in and shouted at him "she's six years old for fs sake!" (This is the only reason I know she's 6).
But other than that, it's constant. The kids make a bit of noise, the parents shout at them to "shut up" (regularly swear at them) and then they cry, sometimes for a fairly prolonged period of time, which then includes one of them shouting "WHY ARE YOU CRYING?!?". I generally don't like to judge other people's parenting styles but they just seem far too quick to go from 1 to 10. From what I've heard the kids being told off for in the garden where it's clearer (promise I'm not purposefully earwigging - they're just very loud!), they just seem to get shouted at for very minor misbehaviours. The kind of thing that requires a quiet "can we play a bit more nicely" rather than a "SHUT THE F UP!!!".

Last night they were really going at each other, something about texts and bills. As I write this, one of the kids is crying and the dad is shouting at her for crying.

I kind of hope that this is just due to lockdown and the stress it causes some people and when everything is back to normal, they'll relax a little bit more and stop shouting at their kids for absolutely nothing. Either that or they break up because they're clearly not happy and move out, giving us lovely quiet neighbours.

I find it a little bit irritating and would rather not be listening to it (very glad I'm not a shift worker!), but it's really getting to DH. It's partly that being made to listen to something so unpleasant is getting him down, and partly he has a table top gaming group he usually hosts once a week and he's worried about it kicking off next door when all his friends are over. It's funny, my original worry about living in a relatively new semi was his gaming group making noise at night when there's young kids next door - I didn't like the idea of being responsible for waking someone else's kids up.

We were talking about soundproofing.
We've already got as many things on the walls as is possible, so we're thinking about getting some proper soundproofing in. If there's anyone who has had it, how much was it? If we had it, we'd get the lounge, dining room and one bedroom (the other on the adjoining wall has fitted wardrobes so we don't hear too much through that). And how well did it work?

We don't know what is going to happen to our jobs when all this is over, so I'm not a big fan of getting expensive work done - we might need our savings. But if it's not too bad and it does work, it's something to consider.

I don't know if anyone has any other less expensive solutions?

Try nspcc before you try sound proofing. If you don't want to hear it and it's so bad it is depressing your husband. How do you think the children feel?

I have shouty neighbours. Invest in noise cancelling headphones.

Decorate/update the house, try and make some money on it and sell and move. Or hope they do? Can you find out if they’re renting or if it’s theirs? But they’re not going to change.

This is borderline abuse, but unfortunately SS are under so much pressure atm that they'd be unlikely to do a lot.

I think in your shoes I'd put a super-nice, polite note just saying you might not be aware but that sound is travelling and people you're online with are questioning what the noise is.

That is emotional abuse and you should report it.

@ProseccoBubbleFantasies

This is borderline abuse, but unfortunately SS are under so much pressure atm that they'd be unlikely to do a lot.

I think in your shoes I'd put a super-nice, polite note just saying you might not be aware but that sound is travelling and people you're online with are questioning what the noise is.

I think borderline abuse is the right term. To me, the way they (particularity he) treats their children seems excessive. The walls are very thing, so I'm sure they're aware how loud they're being. DH often doesn't have an 'inside voice' (I sometimes need to 'shhh' him) so they've probably occasionally heard him (we can hear their loud talking). If they can hear loud talking, they must know we can hear them screaming at their kids and each other. They might not have known initially how thin the walls are. They bought their house a few months before we did. It's a semi but the lady we bought our house off went into assisted living just before they moved it - so for the first few months in their new house, they lived next door to an empty house.

I just don't get how someone wouldn't be embarrassed, knowing next door can probably hear them swearing at their kids.

I think, at the moment, we're going to see what happens when lockdown is lifted. We've only lived next door during lockdown and them not being able to go out and about as normal and the 6 year old not going to school, so when things go back to normal, they might calm down. Although, I can't imagine someone going from not really shouting at their kids in normal circumstances, to swearing at a 6 year old.

@JacobReesMogadishu

I have shouty neighbours. Invest in noise cancelling headphones.

Decorate/update the house, try and make some money on it and sell and move. Or hope they do? Can you find out if they’re renting or if it’s theirs? But they’re not going to change.

It's definitely owned. They bought theirs just before we viewed it for the first time. My FIL had a brief chat with the husband. I really don't want to move. House prices have fallen, so I'd be very worried we would make a loss on it. I also can't imagine we'd find anywhere as nice for what we can afford. We've got a nice 3 bedroom semi on a quiet (apart from shouty neighbours) cul-de-sack. Everything else we viewed was in a dodgy area (literally a stabbing on the street behind the day we viewed), or there was problems with the underpinning, or the house just felt tiny. We struck gold with the house....apart from the shouty neighbours.

Poor kiddies though. It's bad enough listening to it through a wally, never mind being on the receiving end of it.

@Fluffykitten23

Try nspcc before you try sound proofing. If you don't want to hear it and it's so bad it is depressing your husband. How do you think the children feel?

I know, poor kiddies. It's bad enough hearing it through a wall, never mind being on the receiving end of it. Sometimes, it sounds excessive (my mum could be quite a shouty parent when I was a kid, and it doesn't sound much worse than that), but other times it sounds like, at the very least, borderline abuse. Especially when the husband swears. From what I can tell, they're both very shouty, but the wife generally shouts to them (e.g. "Rosie come here!") and at her husband, whilst the husband shouts at the kids and at his wife.

I don't know whether it is just the stress of lockdown. I think he's a self-employed tradesman (so hasn't been able to work), so they're probably under a lot of financial pressure. Then they've got a particularly loud 2 year old (and she is very loud generally) and a 6 year old who isn't going to school and can't be sent out to play with her friends as normal.

If reporting them is something seriously worth considering, is it not worth hanging on until things are back to normal(ish)?

Maybe if it seems abusive you could report it to 101 so they have a record if it continues?

I called 101 once because of the way a man was shouting at his partner. It was really scary. I felt awful for her and thought thats all I really could do in that situation. They didn't live next door to me but nearby and I saw him shouting at her outside.

What do people think SS will do, seriously?

I’d ask them if they realise that the walls are thin & you can hear them talking quite clearly, & hope that they can’t hear you.

There's no excuse it's lockdown they are the parents. Stress and parenting will always go hand in hand. To let the odd swear word slip in anger is one thing. To shout alot daily and swear alot daily is not normal. Social may just make them do a parenting course. They probably won't take kids but will help the parents. Only you and your DH know how bad it is but if it's bad enough to depress a adult then I'd say it's not normal. If you report it and nothing happens you tried. If you do nothing and it's their normal then the parents won't access help themselves as they obviously think it's okay. If it was your child next door would you report and there is your answer.

Please try and get these little girls some help. NSPCC or SS. I grow up with an abusive step parent (shouted at constantly plus some other abuse) there was no help for us even though I wish there was. It still affects me 40+ years later.

Soundproofing is unlikely to do much OP. Sound travels not just straight through the party wall, but also through any adjoining structures (beams etc). Apparently you can test this out by listening to the sound level through the party wall, then listen to the level in a wall which joins the party wall (if that makes sense). The sound level in the non party wall will be more or less the same. You would probably eliminate low level background noise (talking, phone ringing etc) but not deep bass sounds and high pitched crying.

I sympathise as we looked into similar and found it was more or less impossible, unless you start constructing false "floating" walls against the party wall etc.

I would be tempted to wait and see what happens after lockdown as well. However, it seems this might be their "normal". How long did you plan to stay in the house? If it relatively short term, then I would consider just trying to add value and then move, maybe a chat with them to let them know noise travels. If the plan was long term, then it is more difficult as you don't want to create a neighbour issue. Not sure what to suggest for that one, perhaps the issue will resolve itself (couple split up) or you will have to consider involving appropriate authorities as previous posters have suggested.

Poor kids, sounds like a horrible situation for them to live in.

@borntohula

What do people think SS will do, seriously?

It will put the children on their radar, if nothing else

YouDirtyMare yeah, fair point, I just know from experience how useless SS can be.

They might be rough but fuck it - why should you have to put up with that? Knock on the door and calmly introduce yourselves. Say you’ve been patient but you really need them to keep the noise down, especially the swearing and shouting.
This.
They are the adults and need to control their tempers - if they know you are aware it might make a difference. I wouldn't mention their parenting skills on this first visit as even the most loathsome parent doesn't like criticism. When he answers the door and tells you to f**k off stay very calm and walk away.

@goingtotown

I’d ask them if they realise that the walls are thin & you can hear them talking quite clearly, & hope that they can’t hear you.

I think they probably do occasionally hear us - dh sometimes lacks an inside voice. If we can hear them shouting very clearly, (and sometimes the girls playing) they can probably hear the occasions when dh speaks a bit louder than he should, although probably not as clearly. They lived next door to an empty house for the first few months, so they probably initially didn't know how thin the walls are, but the definitely will by now.

It amazes me that they should know we can hear them, yet they get shouty virtually every day. It worries me that they think that's normal, hence shouting and swearing when they probably know we can hear.

@thekaratekid

Soundproofing is unlikely to do much OP. Sound travels not just straight through the party wall, but also through any adjoining structures (beams etc). Apparently you can test this out by listening to the sound level through the party wall, then listen to the level in a wall which joins the party wall (if that makes sense). The sound level in the non party wall will be more or less the same. You would probably eliminate low level background noise (talking, phone ringing etc) but not deep bass sounds and high pitched crying.

I sympathise as we looked into similar and found it was more or less impossible, unless you start constructing false "floating" walls against the party wall etc.

I would be tempted to wait and see what happens after lockdown as well. However, it seems this might be their "normal". How long did you plan to stay in the house? If it relatively short term, then I would consider just trying to add value and then move, maybe a chat with them to let them know noise travels. If the plan was long term, then it is more difficult as you don't want to create a neighbour issue. Not sure what to suggest for that one, perhaps the issue will resolve itself (couple split up) or you will have to consider involving appropriate authorities as previous posters have suggested.

Poor kids, sounds like a horrible situation for them to live in.

Turns out, it's entirely unaffordable anyway. I put the details in to a local soundproofing company and it's nearly £1k a wall. My dad's building us fitted shelves for one of the alcoves in the living rooms, so hopefully a wall of books will help.

It was definitely meant to be a "forever home". DH hates moving house (he lived in the same house until he was 24) and I have moved so many times due to uni, I just wanted to stay in one place for a long time. It's a good family home we could just about afford, rather than a shoebox starter home - it's perfect apart from the neighbours (and weird panelling in the kitchen).

I've emailed the NSPCC (without personal details) just outlining the circumstance and to see if it's something they would see as a cause for concern. I've also started a log with dates and times so if anything does escalate, I've got a record.
I'm a bit worried that if I report them, they know it's me (it's a semi, no one else can hear them in the house) and then we're stuck with neighbours who hate us. My parents have a neighbour who is a bit nuts (has some sort of weird vendetta against the family), and it's been a nightmare living next door to someone like that - I don't want the same to happen to us.

*Edit: They definitely know we can hear them.

A few days after we had moved in (hadn't really heard them shout at that point), dh was out the front, and the wife was out the front too with the two year old. She said jokingly "I'm Fran, this is Emily, you've probably heard her." (*not real names). Dh laughed and confirmed he had heard her.
If they know we can hear a 2 year old cry and laugh and shout, they know we can hear a 40 year old man shout and swear.

Update: A for sale sign just went up, so it looks like they're off.
Hopefully they're separating because them being together is clearly not a good thing for those kids.
They've done it up really modern, extension, big kitchen-diner family room, they've knocked the separate loo together with the bathroom that's all new. When we bought ours, I think it had only been up for a fortnight when our offer went in and there were lots of other offers. Hopefully theirs goes as quickly.

yay!!! There is an end in sight for you. And hopefully they are splitting for the sake of the kids, and future neighbours.

Lucky you. Big sigh of relief.
Poor kid still has to live with them, hope the next neighbours are as caring.

That's great news that they are moving. Hopefully you get some lovely quiet neighbours moving in soon 🙂

@Troels

Lucky you. Big sigh of relief. Poor kid still has to live with them, hope the next neighbours are as caring.

I think the best case scenario is they're moving because they're splitting. That really would be the best thing for the kids, assuming mum gets custody.

The house looks lovely, it's a mirror image of ours but it's up for 30% more than ours was up for. Hopefully it will go very quickly.