Triggering just found out someone who assaulted me from my past used to live in my potentially new house

[Badmemorieshouse]

Put an offer on our dream house today that’s been accepted.

My husband casually mentioned that a mutual old school friend lived in the house when we were growing up. This person raped me when I was 20, and I haven’t seen him since.

I was really wild when I was younger and drank and used drugs etc, so I have always blamed myself, but this has unsettled me a bit

Would you go away with the purchase? I don’t want to tell my husband, and this bloke moqved away years ago

*go ahead

Gosh I really don't know.

Two things though,

If you hadn't known, you wouldn't even think twice, do you think you could get past the knowledge he lived there?

Also it's going to be your home, so you can change it and make it anything you want it to be, it'll never be his house again.

It's a hard one because what he did to you was unforgivable, and you can't be expected to "just get over it" and ignore that it happened. But it didn't happen in that house, although I can imagine him having lived there has tainted it slightly, the house is nothing to do with him, if that makes sense?

Could you talk it out with your husband but skirt around the gravity of the assault if you don't want to tell him it was rape?

I'm sorry you're facing this dilemma.

Oh, that is dreadful for you. Have got had any counselling for this?

I - now this is me - I would tell him because I would not know of or certain info could be easy in the house or not.

Yes - this would be your home - it’s just bricks and mortar but if you were to have memories make you feel bad then that’s terrible.

And how on gods green earth could that be your ‘fault’? Never.

I really, really don’t want to mention it! It’s not something that I think about at all really, but obviously since I found out I have been thinking about it none stop!

Does your Dh not know? If not, perhaps now is the time to tell him?

My husband doesn’t know, and I don’t really want to discuss it with him to be honest.

It’s a really strange situation I just feel really odd about it now

I couldn’t do it. If you get mail through the door with his name on it, or someone phones the landline asking for him, it will be a constant reminder. Names stay on those lists forever. I’ve lived in this house for 12 years and still get mail for the previous owner occasionally.

There are plenty more houses in this world. If you honestly feel like this is the only one for you, your H should really know about it. Otherwise you’ll be keeping something huge from him, which is not fair on either of you. He won’t understand why seemingly small things like mail or a phone call set you on edge.

Fair enough if it was rooted firmly in the past, I can see that not telling him could be an option (although it shouldn’t be through any sense of shame or blame on your part. No matter how wild or drunk etc you were, it wasn’t your fault). But by moving into this house, it’s bringing the assault into your present and makes keeping it secret from him so much harder.

FWIW I think if you seriously want to buy this house, it might help for this person and event to lose their power by sharing it with your DH.

I’m fairly sure my DP wouldn’t want to buy a house if he knew that the person who used to live there had raped me, so it may be that your decision is taken out of your hands if you do tell him. But either way, I couldn’t live there without telling my DP.

is he the one you are buying from or has someone else lived there since then? if your buying from him then i wouldnt go ahead, but if someone else has lived there then it wouldnt be his house iyswim? the decor and everything would not be his choice and no chance of letters coming through. do you love the house?

He lived there as a child and teenager, so not for many years