My mum died today and I feel so conflicted

[Ennaly]

We had a terribly difficult relationship which would take me forever to recount here.

But briefly - she was awful when I was a child and walked out on my df and me when I was 11. She came into her own when I had dc but as soon as they were old enough to have their own opinions she lost interest in them.

My dh died 3 years ago, and I haven’t spoken to her since the week he died - things had gone terribly wrong about two years before his death. I don’t regret that decision, she did something I couldn’t find it in me to forgive.

But there were good times and she did a lot of good for many people (just not me) - she was a bit of a force to be reckoned with.

I knew this day would come and I thought I’d be ok. But I’m not, I’m really not. Feel so sad and can’t stop crying.

This day will come for me too. I will be told on Facebook messenger by acousin I never see and seldom hear from tjat my parents are dead. I imagine feeling the same as you do now. We deal with the information we have at the time and we do our best.
How are you feeling exactly?

It’s absolutely fine to feel that way. I had quite a similar experience where my mother destroyed the end of my childhood after she and my dad split up. There were years of terrible emotional blackmail - a real onslaught e.g. I went away for the summer after sixth form ended and she moved house and didn’t tell me. When I had kids she actually adored them and we rebuilt a relationship around them. Then she died - aged 82 - and I felt sad obviously but also relief. Five years on I can remember her with fondness and still feel sad that she’s not in our lives, but always still with some relief. It’s a very complicated emotional situation. Hope this helps x

Be excessively gentle with yourself. You've had a lot of bereavement over the last few years. [Flowers]

I have a very difficult mother and I will probably be upset when she dies, even though it's years since I set eyes on her.

I'm so sorry. Sorry for the loss of the parent you had. Sorry you didn't have the parent you deserved. Sorry you don't even get the gift of straightforward grieving.

Be kind to yourself. Whatever you feel is legitimate. It's complex and conflicting to grieve (or not) the death of someone who brought so much pain. Allow yourself to embrace whatever feelings you have. X

Maybe get counselling, it might help.

I also have a very difficult relationship with my mum. She is still alive but I think about how it will feel when she dies.

I find it unfair as I am being burdened with guilt when really it isn’t my fault that she is a functioning alcoholic who is a hugely negative force in my life.

I feel it is almost taboo to admit this to people as most seem to be best friends with their mum.

You are alowed to grieve for what was, what wasn't and what won't come to pass. Grief is big and complex. Feelings come and go. There are no right and wrong feelings, especially when it's so raw and tge world is strange enough

I'm so sorry. It just goes to show that no matter what happens, it's still incredibly upsetting when your mum dies.

Be kind to yourself now. You are what matters now. I'm so sorry you lost your husband too and I hope your children and other family are able to be with you and comfort you.

You could try some therapy? You deserve all the help and to be heard. None of this is your fault.

Thank you so much all of you. I knew there would be wise words to be found on here. I’m sorry for those of you with similarly difficult relationships with their mothers.

I knew this day wouldn’t be far off coming as she was very frail physically, and had been for a while. Mentally was a different story. I’d tried to imagine how I’d feel, and honestly thought I’d feel - well - nothing. But I can’t stop crying and indulging in that most pointless of all pass times - “if only”.

Thank you again

Ennaly completely natural and healthy to let your feelings out. You will be ok. Don't do it alone, find a therapist. You don't have to have more than a couple of sessions. You may need to hear that what you are experiencing is normal x

Thank you Sole. I meant to say that that’s how I found out - from a cousin.

Today 6/4 is the anniversary of my mother's death. Her death was complicated and tragic, but she wasn't.
I still have "if onlys" and we had a very close relationship.
I second the "find a therapist" advice - wholeheartedly.
And I am so sorry. I'll bet you are a brilliant mom!

I’m sorry for your loss too Yankee. I don’t know about being a brilliant mum but I do know I’m a very different one to her!