Discipline and consequences

[Lovingmylife]

I feel like I've lost my way a bit really and need some positive suggestions. I need to regain control with my kids (8&6). My 8yr old, in particular, behaves quote badly at times and I seem to have evolved to peace keeper and actually I need to get back to being in control. So how do you instil discipline? What consequences do you use?

At that age I had a time out system. So, you stop the child doing whatever and you tell them that they have a time out and why - what they did wrong, why it is wrong and what they should have done. Then you place them on the sofa or their bed and say they must stay there for 1min x their age- so 8 mins for an 8yr old to have a think about what happened and what you’ve told them. And that after time out, you and they will have a chat in which they need to apologise to you or whoever they hurt (ie their 6yo sibling) and also tell you what they will do next time that is better/right way to handle the situation. Then at end of timeout, you have the chat. One rule I’d have is any time off the sofa or their bed froze the clock. So jumping off would only make time out longer but also if they needed the loo, they could stop time out, go to the loo, then come back and finish it. It’s not punishment but time and space that forces them to think on their behaviour.
If they did a repeat offence. They’d have timeout but I’d also say, something like because this is your second time out for problem x, you have lost 1 dessert night or your weekly sweets. (We had two dessert nights a week and allowed a sweet once a week).

If both misbehave, because it’s 1min x age, you leave older one(s) finishing time out and do after time out chat starting with the youngest first and then one by one. Initial talk is ok as a group talk of parent to children, but having a post time out talk that is one on one works really well.

Thank you. I feel like I need to start from scratch with it all now.

When I put either in their room, they refuse to go, come out repeatedly, lash out especially 8 year old.

You may have to use the sofa. To start, you might have to sit in same room with them for the whole time out.
I’m sure others will be along with other ideas you can try.

Do you struggle to enforce boundaries? If you tend to be a people pleaser, are afraid to upset them or tend to shy away from conflict in general it can be hard to navigate this phase of parenting, I know I find it really hard. I'm much better at the toddler bit where you can just redirect or prevent the behaviour you don't want. In this stage you've really got to let them have some responsibility over their behaviour so that they learn how to change things and respond to other people or rules or situations etc.

For generic punishment I find what works best is loss of pocket money, early bedtime, loss of screen time, grounding (works best if they are actually allowed out on their own) or extra jobs (cleaning/tidying kind of thing). None of these things are awful or terrifying, they are simply inconvenient and annoying, which is the point. They also don't require any physical enforcement from me which is where time out never really worked for me.

Remember as well that punishment is not especially effective, usually if there is a repeated behaviour other methods can be more effective in solving it. I like collaborative problem solving a lot, but occasionally they are doing something simply because it is more rewarding than whatever it is you'd prefer them to do instead and a punishment attached to the bad behaviour can help redress this balance (as can an incentive attached to the preferred, incompatible behaviour, which is usually more effective).

Thank you for your positive suggestions. Just reading your comments makes me feel more in control. Taking action rather than just moaning.

Yes I am a people pleaser and I'm always trying to understand the behaviour to 'fix it' so for example, 8yr old sometimes struggles to articulate himself and gets so frustrated over things like making mistakes, that he lashes out. So I try and see that as different to whacking 6yr old because they can't agree on something.

I think it's become a passive parent who reverts to shouting which doesn't really work. I did a time out tonight and they both actually listened and my 6yr old ended up staying in bedroom longer to read a book.

It's being consistent that I need to do better.

Consistency is key! The children have to know that action x will always result in consequences. For us the first time out with no punishment was their warning, because sometimes they honestly have no idea what they’ve done wrong. That’s why the explanation you give them is critical and the time out is for them to think, and the after time out discussion is to ensure they have listened and understood.
But then the 2nd, 3rd, time its time out plus a punishment and there are many ones you can choose from that are not abusive, from no dessert to early bedtime to no electronic toy for rest of day as suggest by Bertie.

But yes you must be consistent. Don’t let anything go without enforcement. If they do it in public or at a relatives house, you take them aside and quietly tell them that they’ve earned a time out as soon as you get home.

As they get older, you won’t need time outs. It’ll just be a verbal warning because they’ll be old enough to understand what is wrong and right. Then second incident you can go straight to punishment. But at the young age they are now, it is important to take time to explain exactly what they are doing wrong and right!

Don’t forget to recognise right behaviour with praise - “proud of you” “Cherie you handled that very well, good job.” “Thank you for helping me...Etc.” Children flourish when you have firm boundaries and they get gentle correction when wrong and sincere praise when right.