WhatsApp mums group etiquette

[Wherethewildthingsgrow]

Am I being overly sensitive? Am I out of touch with groups/friend dynamics? Or just not getting the message?!
My daughter started school, I became friendly with some mums , our children are good buddies. The mums started a small WhatsApp group, met for coffee occasionally and sometimes in evening socially. Or at least used to, waned a bit pre lockdown but all seemed ok, thought all just busy parents trying to juggle everything with limited time. I have suggested catch ups via Zoom, suggested drinks in pre lockdown, I get little response. I have messaged some individually if specific things not relevant to whole group (even though few members) and often get little take up/response and one person just doesn’t respond to individual messages from me but can do to group, and used group & individual messages when wants catch up/query etc . Have I crossed a virtual line? should the group stay as the group and not Message individuals, what is the ‘done’ thing? Am I being ghosted? Am I just the mum of their child’s friend, not aN actual friend? Tbh I am not a confident person and it takes a lot to be ‘out there’ and I can be sensitive, holds me back making friends and knowing what’s ‘normal’ . Help/insight please 😬 If I don’t understand friendships how can I guide my kids?

Oh God I hate Mums group, so fake, no they are not real friends, they are only in the group to make sure their little darling is not excluded from anything, these friendships are convenient but not true heart felt friendships, even though some people convince themselves otherwise, please don't over think it, just keep it a casual thing that you add our bit to every now and again.

When will these awful groups end, will people just stop suggesting them, they are horrible fake things,🙄

Sorry, looking back on my reoly, I wasn't much help to you but let me reassure you, you did nothing wrong and WhatsApp is known for the highest rate of people not returning messages, don't know why but maybe people are just overwhelmed with so many groups and contacts that it's just too much now. But, no don't worry, you did nothing wrong and crossed no line, this is the norm for WhatsApp

10:20mortforya

What a blinkered and strange attitude.

Why do 'mum' friends have to be fake? My DT's are 17 now and my 'mum' friends are invaluable. Yes we're on WhatsApp and yes we all chat together occasionally or separately, some are great communicators and some are rubbish, same as in RL I guess.

When will these awful groups end, will people just stop suggesting them, they are horrible fake things,🙄

Or they can be fabulously supportive at times

OP, you'll end up in years to come with a few people who you just talk to because you have same aged children in common and hopefully a few that are lifelong friends well after the DC's have moved on from each other.

There's no etiquette, each group will have it's own dynamic, no one can tell you why the members in yours behave as they do except them.

Don't everything it. Go with the flow and use it as much as you feel comfortable with.

I hate WhatsApp groups. You have done nothing wrong. I have found friendships with parents confusing and have concluded they are not real friendships. They are parents desperate for their dc to have friends.

The friendships my ds has made on his own are much better and more real than the pretend friendships created because I was 'friends' with their parents.

@Larkspurandhollyhocks

When will these awful groups end, will people just stop suggesting them, they are horrible fake things,🙄

Or they can be fabulously supportive at times

What an odd way of thinking, surprisingly not all groups are the same as the ones you belong to, you must know they aremt all full of fakeness

Am I just the mum of their child’s friend, not aN actual friend?

Probably, yes. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong though. I think this happens to most ‘mums groups’ - you gradually realise that your kids are all you have in common really and actually having close friends that are not linked with your kids is kind of better.

I think ‘mums groups’ are great for when you’re a new mum with a baby and young toddler - not for young primary aged children. You don’t need to be friends with the children’s parents for them to interact and you don’t really need that new support group going through similar things as you are like you did when your child was tiny. Funny how ‘dad groups’ are really not a thing. I don’t think it would occur to many men to base their friendships on anything to do with their kids.

Thank you, just a bit confused by it all and yes I think I did confuse it for friendship, there’s mixed messages and never been v good at understanding friendship dynamics I guess.

I really like my mum friends, we socialise regularly (or we did) and always chat in the playground. We message as a group and individually.

PleasantVille

I said 'or' they can be fabulously supportive, quite an important little word in there

You say you were continually suggesting activities, both before and during lockdown. Was anyone else?

With that and you continually messaging people it sounds like you’re coming across quite needy and full on and people tend to back off from that.

What a strange couple of post mortforya

What's 'fake' about a group of people who have something in common, keeping in touch to help each other out occasionally - be that just a reminder about the date of something or 'what do they need to take' or 'is it uniform or not' type reassurances ?

I am in a number of WhatsApp Groups because I know the other people in the group through some connection we have.

I think people - in my RL and on MN - all have different understanding of the word 'friend'. To me, it is someone I get on with and would be happy to accept an invitation from - be that for coffee, a party, a walk, lunch, whatever. I read a lot on FB that there seems to be some kind of deep and binding commitment. Also that it is normal to have 1, 2, or up to 4 friends, not 100 or 200.

My dc are adults now. I occasionally still bump into parents of their friends in different places, and it's lovely to chat to them and catch up. We got on. We had a shared link at the time which sort of remains in a "What are they up to these days?" level of interest. That's an absolutely valid friendship in one level. OTOH, I don't know the ins and outs of all their lives. Many of them I might know one parent but not the other. It is fine to have friends who are part of a time or part of a situation. Every friendship on this level doesn't have to turn into something deeper. Occasionally one will, but it is an organic evolution not a planned thing. Overwhelmingly, most will be o'of a time' or 'of a situation'.