Run away note

[FrankiesKnuckle]

Posting in chat for traffic.
I don't know what to do or say, please help.

Tidying up, I found a torn piece of paper under my almost 7 yo pillow.
It said, simply 'run away'.
I'm devastated.

Several reasons why - I had a very troublesome childhood. I attempted Suicide at 16. I ran away. I was deeply unhappy for a myriad of valid reasons (sexual abuse/emotional abuse/neglect and abandonment)
So finding this has shaken me to my core. It's like deja vu.
Yes, we've locked horns over lockdown - she refuses to do any school work. She's bright but a little lazy. Quite hard on herself, gives up easily. Not particularly motivated for anything.
She herself has been catastrophising situations lately, she called her best friend an idiot which I called her out on and she wailed she was the meanest little girl in the world, and other similar incidences.

My mind is racing as I strive to give her all the love and attention and interest that I never had.
I feel like the worst parent in the world.

How should I approach this, if at all?

I don't have any advice off the top if my head but 2 questions.

Did she leave it so you would find it?

Is it her handwriting or could a sibling of written it/passed it to her in a 'here's what you should do' way?

Is it likely a response to lockdown? It’s the most natural instinct in the world to want to flee when you’re trapped.

No siblings. It was under her pillows.

Lockdown has been hard on us all. If anything, we are in a 'fortunate' position of working (NHS), she's been going to school occasionally.
She plays out with friends (on bikes - we live semi rurally and they use a field to cycle on, no touching etc!)

So in all it's been pretty chilled. Maybe too chilled.

I just can't bear to think that she's as unhappy as I was when I were younger.
It's probably just a flash in the pan but it's really knocked me for six.

OP, I can understand that this has brought back your own troubled childhood.

I did not have a troubled childhood, like your Dd I had lovely caring parents. But in the drama of getting told off I several times packed a suitcase and a sandwich, wrote dramatic notes... my brother did the same, and my Dad told me about him getting as far as the bus shelter.

My best friend, aged , ‘left home’ after a getting up in the morning drama, came to my house where I let her in, we vowed she would live secretly under my bed, I brought her a piece of my toast.... all before my Mum found her.

As the note was torn up and your Dd has not run away, I think you are safe.

Have confidence in your parenting, I am sure you are a lovely Mum.

Sorry, my runaway friend was aged 6.

She was also perfectly happy in a lovely household, I know her to this day.

Thinking about/threatening to run away is really not uncommon at that age.

2 of my 4 children regularly write/wrote run away notes, despite nobody in thef amily having any issues or history of abuse. They are just drama queens :) The 9y old wrote us a note the other day after a spat with his brother over something trivial and said we were the worse parents in the world because parents should protect their son and we didn't (didn't make brother give back the remote control they were arguing over). I promise you he is happy and well-adjusted.

Hopefully this is the same with your daughter and it is just your own past which is makin it, understnadably, seem very worrying x

I think you may be over worrying because of what happened with your own childhood. If I'd found this note, it probably have thought 'little bugger' and put it back. Or 'clever little bugger' as she knows which button to press!

You were abused and neglected as a child and your dd isn't.

Everything is just so magnified at the moment. I don't think many people are just sailing through without falling out with friends of family members.

When all this is over, then join her up with some activities out of school until you find something she does like. Think outside the box, sewing, rock climbing, brownies, speed skating, diving. If she doesn't like one, then move on. It's important that they have something outside of school so that if school does become difficult, then it's not the whole world.

Thank you all for your replies.
I'm slightly reassured that I'm not a total ogre.

It has hit me hard because of my past, which I have had help for.
It doesn't make it any less unsettling though.
She can be a bit of a drama queen, and there has been an increase in sulks/strips and back chatting which I put down to age/growing.

I'll try and take it on the chin I guess.

Strops, not strips obviously!

She's bright but a little lazy. Quite hard on herself, gives up easily. Not particularly motivated for anything.
She herself has been catastrophising situations lately, she called her best friend an idiot which I called her out on and she wailed she was the meanest little girl in the world, and other similar incidences.

I'm more concerned about the above than a threat of running away, which as PP have pointed out, is a pretty common response.

If she has self esteem issues, that's something I'd want to try and address. We've had to work on this with DS, with support of school, and a few things we did were to 1. Really emphasise why something he'd done was good without giving out random praise eg that was really good writing DS. I know it was hard for you but you kept going and I was able to read the whole page, well done! 2. Help him find things that he could do and then provide encouragement and support to take these further. Eg it turns out he's a pretty good swimmer once he got past his fear of water in his years so we go swimming a lot, tell him how good he is, encouraged him and have had extra lessons to help him get even better. Pre lock down he was rapidly catching up to some of the children in his class who have been brilliant swimmers from the start and he was really pleased (the ear thing, due to SPD, took a LONG time to overcome). 3. Praise him not just for stuff he did but for his attitude or if he was proactive/tried hard etc. 4. Pointed out where his behaviour or thought processes showed what a lovely child he was eg with his friends or whatever.

This was part of a long-term effort as we were finding it hard to deal with the fall out of his SPD because of the self esteem issues. It's been incredibly helpful though, culminating at Christmas in two of the teachers he's only tangentially involved in falling over themselves to tell me how brilliant he had been at the school talent show.

Good luck. It's so hard to support the emotional well being of our children when we don't even always understand what's going on.

Feeling the boundaries is part of growing up. It's constant. What can I do, what can I not do? What matters more than anything else is having times where you are simply just together- no agenda, no outcome, just spending time alongside each other and listening to each other. It's those opportunities that reassure her she can talk to you.

Maybe make a conscious effort at meal times not to mention work or school, but talk about what we'll do at the weekend, or what to watch on tv, or whose favourite food we'll have for dinner.

Don't mention the note to your DD. If there is room on the paper then cross out the "runaway" and write in big letters "I love you". Or just remove the note and write your own "i love you" note and place under the same pillow.

She'll then know you've seen the note but the words "i love you" will be in her head.

@BlingLoving I have my fears she's developing some self esteem issues.
I already do many of the things you have mentioned.
I try not to randomly over praise stuff that she should be doing as a matter of course, but I do give praise often.
I validate her feelings - I'll say that I can see she is frustrated etc
She often won't let me help her or listen to perhaps an alternative way of doing something.
A couple of her after school activities have obviously not been accessible but we've had the option of zoom classes which she really didn't like, couldn't keep up, got quite upset over.

Mostly, she's happy, confident - she has no issue of talking to adults or other children. She's very empathetic, the first to rush to someone's aid. School say she is just such a happy, easy going person.
Lockdown has changed her a bit, but it's changed us all.

I really wouldn’t worry. I had a lovely childhood and I used to write notes saying I was going to run away and used to tell my parents that I was going to Australia and that I’d be packing my bags and going to the airport. It really doesn’t mean anything.

I try not to randomly over praise stuff that she should be doing as a matter of course, but I do give praise often.

I understand this thinking, but it depends on whether doing these things is easy or hard for her? Eg, quite frankly, DS should have been getting ready by himself, without needing 50 reminders, every morning for a while. But it genuinely is very hard for him. So even now (he's 9) when he nails it, DH or I will comment positively. Not gushing over enthusiasm, just an acknowledgement.

Or (and this is probably more unique to him but it's a good example), we moved to seamless socks a year or so ago and it still amazes us how it changed our lives. All of us. So when school was open, we'd still sometimes say to ds how lovely it was that socks weren't so hardcore for him anymore. Just to remind him that there are often solutions to things he finds frustrating because he can't do.

I think having a certain level of expectation for DC doesn't mean we can't acknowledge when they achieve this. DH and I routinely acknowledge or thank the other one for doing day to day chores.

I agree with @Shallwedancetomojito - what a lovely idea - I don't think you should ignore it though - putting stuff under your pillow is a way of keeping your secrets/wishes/dreams safe without anyone knowing and hoping they come true - there's a good chance she did it after a difficult situation with you or DH and she may have meant it in the moment. You know when kids say "it's not fair, I don't like you anymore" they don't actually mean it, it's just a way they find to express their dislike in a situation. She may want to "run away" from all the massive (to her) issues surrounding the virus and lockdown at the moment.
Don't ignore it though, but tread carefully. My 6yr old son has come out with some deep stuff over the years - he once accidentally (whilst lying on his bed) kicked me in the eye and I yelped - he felt so bad that he suggested sticking something in his own eye (!!!) I was horrified!! My mom says he's very like me though and that I was the same at his age, very deep empathy for such a young age and feeling incredible guilt if I made a mistake as I enjoyed my parents' praise so much - strange really as my parents were never hard on me about anything ever - not so now, as I can manage my emotions as I'm an adult - she maybe is feeling that she's in your way or being a nuisance more than just actually wanting to run away. Let her know that she's doing the best she can right now, and that's all you'll ever ask of her.

My mum still has the note I wrote when I 'ran away'. I went and sat on the steps for an hour and then got hungry . And I had a lovely childhood. It was in response to some minor telling off about something, I imagine.

That's not to say don't keep an eye on it but I think it's kind of a childhood rite of passage, really? If she's otherwise her usual, happy self then I wouldn't be too worried.

We found a diary entry from one of my dd's aged 7 and she was very very angry when she wrote it! Funnily enough, all those years later, she couldn't remember what it was about. Age 6/7 they do experience hugely strong emotions, and the desire to hurt/run away to 'show them' is a common and entirely normal one.

You sound like a lovely mum, don't be too hard on yourself.

Thanks everyone. I've had time to process it, and whilst it may seem small it means a great deal to me.
Your comments have really helped, so thank you again.