What to do about MIL issues with a baby due soon

[House174565]

Sorry, it’s a bit of a lengthy one.....

So the background - I’m 32 weeks pregnant but babies measuring 35 weeks so we’re 3 weeks in advance. My pregnancy hasn’t been smooth. I had HG, I’m boarderline preeclampsia. So I have scans every week and I have my blood pressure / urine checked every Wednesday by the Midwife, then I’m on medication too. I also have antenatal depression which makes me feel awful all the time!

My OH does have another child. Which he has arrangement order for . Currently this order states me, his mom and sister are allowed to collect his lad. He isn’t allowed to do handovers (bloody ridiculous) as the child’s mom claims it would make her anxiety worse knowing she would have to see him. Regardless, were just happy to be able to see his lad. So up until now Ive driven the 250 miles to collect him for contact. I haven’t minded, even when I’ve had a sick bowl on my lap as we go.
BUT this time I’ve refused to do it and asked either his mum or sister to go collect him for the foreseeable as firstly, I’m too pregnant, secondly I’m too ill and thirdly I’ll have a newborn so can’t travel that far anymore. I’ll come back to this in a moment....

So the MIL .......
I always thought she was lovely. She’s very bubbly and very outgoing. Seemingly the type to do anything for anyone. UNTIL she meets a new man.... since I’ve been with my OH I’ve met 4. Now I get it, new relationship, you want to spend all your time getting to know them and all that. She can spend her time with who she likes, that doesn’t bother me.

So back to the child arrangement..... It was time for my OH child to be collected for contact. MIL agreed she would do it. The morning came of contact and my MIL didn’t turn up to collect my OH little boy! So as what you’d expect, my OH ex has had a go at my MIL for not turning up and not letting them know.

Now on this day I was in hospital due to swelling and yet another kidney infection which is actually more painful than anything I’d ever felt before! So Finally got discharged and on my way home she called me asking if I was okay etc.
She then told me about what had happened. I just listened, didn’t really know what to say.
Then she put me on loudspeaker and I’m absolutely shocked!

My MIL new fella, she’s been on and off with since Christmas, came on the phone and started having a go at me! Saying how it’s my responsibility to do hand overs, how I should be getting the abuse off my OH ex as it’s my fault, how I’m in the wrong for expecting my OH mum to collect her grandchild. I come off the phone mortified. I hadn’t even got in the house from hospital. So I went in and told my OH what had happened. As expected he went nuts! I did send a text message to my MIL expressing how disappointed I was that she allowed her partner to get involved and how she allowed him to speak to me and that I really didn’t deserve it. She read and ignored the text.

It then registered to me.... she’s chosen to stay with her new fella, rather than picking up her grandchild!

To top this all off, on the phone to my OH she called me a liar, told me I’m two faced and to be honest called me some nasty things. It did hit me hard and I have got upset about it as I only try my best.

Anyway, we will get to the dilemma I’m in now....
my OH last night went round to my MIL to have a chat and get the point across how it wasn’t on to shout at me. It wasn’t on to say what she did and they need to apologise. Fine.

My OH now thinks that we can all go back to normal? He’s even gone all defensive and nasty with me. I’ve received no apologies, even then I don’t think I’d accept it straight away. I’ve seen my MIL in a different way and don’t really want to associate myself with her as I know where I stand. With my mental health the way it is and how much this has all hurt I can’t forgive and move on yet. Am I being too harsh? I’ve cried for hours over all of this. She truly made me feel like s**t.

I know I have a baby due to be born in the next few weeks (c-section). I know it’s my babies grandma. I get that. But I also know baby can’t be separate from me for a few weeks as I’ll be breast feeding. It’s giving me anxiety thinking about allowing her into my home to meet baby. My homes my safe place and I feel like I’m being forced to allow her into that. I don’t want to stop her from seeing our baby. That’s not my intention, my baby should know who his grandmother is. But at the same time I know it’s making me feel ill thinking about seeing her.

To force me further, my OH has said he’s going to his mums for his birthday (end of week) and I need to be there to make up otherwise I won’t be seeing him on his birthday. This again has really upset me and really effected my mental health. I don’t want to go to her house, the atmosphere is going to be horrible. So if I go Ill feel terrible and it’ll only make the depression worse OR I not go, I’m seen as the bad guy for not being with him on his birthday.

Bare in mind my OH lives with me, we have our own house. Yet he’d rather have a party at his moms - he’s coming 28 too.

Help? Any advise?

Thank you for reading ... I know it’s a lengthy one. Xxxx

Your OH sounds like a monumental dick and his mother sounds awful too. Why did she agree to do pick up if she had no intention of doing it?

She absolutely deserved to be bollocked for letting down a little boy who was waiting to be picked up to see his dad.

I’m intrigued as to how the ex got an order stating your OH cant pick his own child up for contact. When I went to court the judge was very clear the order was made to us he could not compel a third party to commit to hand overs. I was fine about dropping DC off to a contact centre.
Maybe moving forward that’s what needs to happen otherwise your OH’s son is missing out on seeing his dad because the adults can’t get their act together.

Ugh, has he always been such a Mama's boy?

I think I'd tell him to carry on and not see him on his birthday then, that's his choice. At the veaat I'd point out she hasn't apologised.

Who's fetching the kid next time?

How old is his dc?how often is this ridiculous journey supposed to happen?

After reading that I can see why his ex is anxious about seeing him. He sounds horrible - and he is your problem, not MIL.

I also have a pretty problematic MIL but DH has never taken any shit so we’ve managed to make the relationship work on the terms we agreed together.

His sons 5.
I was there when the arrangement order was made. The judge just did everything his ex wanted. I couldn’t believe it! He was so bias!! Even my OH solicitor couldn’t do anything. Even making us do the driving to her house and she not doing any of the journey. She played on her mental health although she was fine to sit just a few chairs away from him in the court room?! I think it was wrong to implicate me and my OH family but it was that or nothing. Not sure what’s going to happen now. I really feel for his little boy. The journeys suppose to happen once a month and my OH is allowed 50:50 holidays so if he’s got 2 weeks off school my OH has 1 week and she has the other. But even that, she dictates which days my OH is allowed to have him.

I’ve put my opinion to my OH that he needs to apply to change the arrangement order so his ex has to travel at least 50% of the way and that he is able to do handovers. That’s the only way I can see it working going forward? I think the current order is very unfair but I’d do whatever so that little lad can see us. But I don’t really want to get too involved as I do have to remind myself as much as I love his little boy he isn’t mine and I can’t be making decisions as that’s my OH place and he needs to sort it.

What is your set up OP ? Are you relying on this man to support you and your child or are you working/furlough and taking MAT leave ? You refer to him as OH , are you married ?

If married then good, you tell him to fuck off and come back when he has grown up. If able to support yourself then again, excellent. As above.

If you have decided to have a child with this manchild. With no legal or financial protection - I would tread carefully and try to do what ever you can to smooth the waters.

If it were me, it would be a long time before I collected the other child again. I’d be putting myself, my own health and my own baby first, because no one else is, not even your partner.
Let him go off to his Mother’s house for his birthday party, no doubt she will let him blow out his candles for a treat.
You have got some difficult times and decisions ahead of you, make sure you focus on what is best for you and your baby, not what your partner, or his Mother, or his Mother’s boyfriend, try to pressure or guilt trip you into doing.
I hope all goes well for you and your new baby.

Well done for saying how you felt to MIL. You need to continue to stand your ground. What she did was out of order and you need to stand your ground. I would miss the birthday and cool your relationship. Be on your guard for everyone to expect that once you are recovered from your C section and are able to drive that you will do all pick ups as you are on maternity leave so have nothing else to do. DO NOT DO IT. Get your DP to change the arrangements so he can do it himself, it probably suits him not to challenge this.

Everything goes back to normal? Where is your apology? Did anyone think of the five year old in all this? He must feel his dad's chosen new baby over him has anyone apologised to him? Who the hell does new man think he is ranting down the phone saying its YOUR responsibility? It's her grandchild it's not even legally your stepson (unless your married you put other half so I am assuming ) but even if your married she is still a fucking blood relative supposed to care more isnt she

I’m not relying on my OH. I’m on maternity leave was full time working and have a decent career. Baby wasn’t planned but he’s a wonderful surprise.

Thank you for the advise. I won’t be going to this party, I did just want to ensure I wasn’t being unreasonable.

Going forward he will need to sort something for his little boy. I wont be doing anymore handovers until baby is old enough to stay with my mum which will be a while. But even then it needs to be 50/50 of the way it’s too far otherwise but I can’t change the court order, unfortunately it has to be my OH. And to be honest it should be my OH picking his little boy up. I will mention contact centre as I didn’t think of that.

Focus on you, but the more you say, the more I'm siding with his ex on this one.
Your MIL is willing to let down a 5 year old at short notice, then blame you. He's turning on you over this and siding with his mum.
If his first marriage was full of mindgames of this ilk, I can see why seeing him would give her anxiety.

Also - a long drive 4x a month (there and back x2) and keeping a child for the weekend, is nothing compared to the hours mum is doing in terms of parenting.
Could he suggest picking the child up from one of her friends or family on some of the trips. Then she doesn't have to see him and he can take some responsibility for getting his kid.

In the meantime, look after you and your baby - this isn't your circus and be prepared that he and his family are really not coming out of this well, be wary.

First, you must stop the stepson run; there are four other people who need to sort that out between them for the next few years. . OH is surely not going to put the ex's feelings before yours?

As for the birthday, just say that what with being heavily pregnant and unwell you can't face a party and will stay quietly at home and rest. With DH there to have a romantic day, "just us", almost your last chance before baby comes.

As for MIL and her horrible man, just break contact and ignore them now, and focus on relaxing. Be well and happy; those last few weeks of pregnancy are pretty special.

Stand firm and don't back down op. Speaking from nightmare MIL experience, if you give an inch she will take a mile. Your partner really needs to open his eyes and realise that his mother was at fault. If she's willing to miss picking up a 5 year old for a man, then that says quite a lot about her tbh. Her partner had absolutely no right speaking to you like that. Please don't let them ruin your pregnancy. I had this sort of stress with my first and it just taints the whole time in your life. You can't back down - I did for 10 years and it was the worst thing I could have done, my Dh finally grew a set and stuck up for us as a family and your partner really needs to do the same.

Post birth no bloody way should you be doing the collections..
What a shoddy arrangement in the first place!

He’s doing a lot of to-ing and fro-ing to his mothers. Is he not socially distancing?!!

"The morning came of contact and my MIL didn’t turn up to collect my OH little boy! So as what you’d expect, my OH ex has had a go at my MIL for not turning up and not letting them know."

Well, I'd be in touch with my mum if she was doing me such a huge favour so the ex and the child wouldn't just be sat waiting all day only to be disappointed.

You sound very involved in the arrangements with this 5 year old and don't know your boyfriend well enough to know if his ex is being "ridiculous" when she says she can't have him on her doorstep.

Why isn't he driving down with you/his mum and then just staying out of the way at handover?