Feeling judged by nursery, am I being too sensitive and over thinking things?

[Overduesleep]

My daughter (toddler with disabilities) has recently started nursery and I'm feeling a bit judged and as though this is a sign of things to come. I'd appreciate being told I'm being ridiculous, if I am.

The staff are friendly but I've been picked up on two things now, in just two days of her being there.

DD needed new shoes as she has gone through a big growth spurt and her toes are almost touching the end. She spends most of time in her pram when out as she can't walk very far safely without falling down, because one of her feet bow inwards and she has tibial torsion. We're waiting for a second physiotherapy referral as her first last year was pointless, we were told it would correct itself but it's just gotten worse.

She has a high instep, pigeon toe and tibial torsion (among other disabilities) so footwear is very difficult to get right. It's impossible to take her to Tesco (for example) and pick up a pair off the shelves that will be ok for her feet. I can't stress the difficulty we have in sourcing footwear she can actually wear.

Ideally she needs to be measured and try on several pairs in store but that isn't possible due to lockdown, so I ordered a pair of shoes online in the next size up that look like they'd be ok and hoped for the best. They were supposed to arrive on Friday before she started but didn't get here until this afternoon.

Today I sent her in (sturdy) sandals so she would be comfortable (also because it's hot) and when I went to collect her i was asked not to send her in open toe shoes as they're a tripping hazard.

I apologised and said I had ordered her some new every day shoes as her usual ones were becoming small, but that is why she is wearing sandals today.

Nursery staff then said yes they did notice that her shoes were getting small when they put them on her before home time yesterday. She said they didn't feel comfortable saying something to me as we hadn't built a relationship yet.

Fair enough, I understand that, I'm just embarrassed that they might have thought I'm not on the ball and silently judged me although I was already addressing it.

That on its own isn't a big deal, but immediately after that she said DD had a red bum and was I aware of it. I was confused because I definitely hadn't noticed that this morning.

When I was visibly confused the lady suggested it might have been from where she had been jumping and landing on her bum during the day at nursery, she has autism and is a bit of a bull in a China shop. She often does things like that.

I said I would check when I got home as I didn't have a clue what they were referring to, but then spent the walk home wondering whether they thought it was from her not being changed or god forbid, smacked.

Upon inspection her bum was slightly red but it was very clearly because her nappy had rubbed because it hadn't been put on straight (not by me). It was as clear as day to me what the problem was so I'm confused as to how they didn't see that, and instead quizzed me about what had happened.

DD is also a head banger, so I'm dreading the possibility of her turning up with a bump or bruise on her forehead and the inquisition that would follow, if today is anything to go by.

Am I being too sensitive? I think I probably am, I just feel judged. I'm not used to nursery so I don't know whether this is par for the course.

The whole conversation made me feel terribly inadequate as a parent.

Sounds like the nursery worker you spoke to doesn't have great people/communication skills.
She was mentioning the red bum to cover herself more than anything.

Oh bless you. You've not done anything wrong so don't worry. How much communication have you had with the nursery about your DD? They should understand her alittle motor, particularly how energetic she is etc. Keep talking to them, help them to know her (and you) better. But don't worry, sounds like you are doing a great job.

*better not motor!

I wouldnt worry too much about head bumps just grow a fringe my son is a head banger he head butted a stickle brick on the floor still has the scar now no one really cared

For the red bottom obviously your confused because it wasnt when you dropped the child off that morning

You can get closed toe sandals

I would be watching them carefully nursery isnt always the best place for children with disabilities

I have let them know about the problems with her legs and feet so they are aware (but perhaps forgot?)

I also told them about my unsatisfactory response from the physiotherapist and the nursery were actually very helpful in that regard, saying they would re-refer her back themselves.

They said she'd been walking on her tip toes and I got the impression they were attributing that to her shoes being too small, so I had to reiterate that no she does that every day at home. It was one of the red flags for her autism.

I've been a bit down in the dumps this past fortnight so wasn't sure whether I could trust my own judgment in thinking they were judging me or not

I was so excited for her to start aswell.

On her first day I was complimented on how well behaved and placid she was and that it was clear she had a good routine at home. This conversation came about because another child there was having a bad day and struggling to adjust to being back in nursery, the member of staff implied it wasn't just because they were back at nursery but a combination of things including "things at home"

So I have that in the back of my mind now too, the niggling worry that they are looking at everybody under a microscope

I should have included in my OP, it's a specialist nursery for children with special needs

Yup, agree with @SandieCheeks. I’ve seen this at both nurseries ive used. And the shoe thing was them not wanting to look like they hadn’t noticed the her shoes were snug, I.e. saying “look at me, I’m vigilant and observant about your child”.
You get used to it, and then you become friends with the other parents and have a good laugh about how you all used to worry about this.

She was a bit insensitive yes. But as I was a nursery worker for years I thought I would just say one thing.

We don’t know what u notice or what u don’t. I have often had children in shoes too small and the parent hasn’t noticed. Nothing major. But as You bought it up they probably thought it was okay to mention it.
The red bum bit. .... I would tell the parent everything. Even the Smallest bump in the head. These things can grow and change daily quickly. And I have had this happen more than once to me over the years.
And it would be remiss of me not to mention something. Imagine if something else had occurred during the night and u ended up going to a & e. And the doctor asks if they had taken a fall recently. Now... I may not have mentioned it as it was a small thing. But as I say small things can turn into big things.
It will get better as the relationship grows and they get to know u and what type of parent u are. But in my opinion and from my experience the more said the better.
I can assure I never once judged a parent for not realising that their child’s shoes were too small. As a parent myself it has happened. Don’t stress x

Oh don't worry by the time you've funnelled three kids through nursery the many thousands of micro judgements just roll straight off my back. There is only one judgement that cuts me to the quick and that's the one of a doctor who was reviewing one of my kids quite significant foot deformity. I came along for a review appointment when he was three and my youngest was newborn. He asked me again whether I had drunk during pregnancy and then picked up my baby and examined her small birth marks, and although he didn't say anything (and my only sin was a glass of wine in the 2ww), the judgement seemed to radiate of him. So I guess I don't give a monkey's what nursery thinks of anything. Wait until you get random strangers pointing out that one of your kids has been playing in the mud, as if you can't see that...

Nursery workers can be a bit of a blunt instrument when giving information. I used to work in a nursery, and we can be so focused on making sure that we tell you everything that sometimes we forget to be careful about how we say it.

I'm feeling a bit better for posting, thank you.

Because it's all new to me I wasn't sure whether it was common to address these things or not.

My children are my weak spot so if I get the impression anybody thinks I'm not a good enough parent it hurts. I need to develop a thicker skin because I'm v sensitive.

Comments aside she does seem very happy there.

You will get used to it.
Nurseries and schools should mention this stuff to you and will. Some are not skilled communicators. You will get used to it. If she has any marks when arriving at nursery, make sure to mention them.

Sounds like they are on the ball to me. They have to mention these things to you.

I did suspect I was being overly sensitive, I think I just needed to hear that from others

Ask the physio. if your daughter is entitled to Piedro footwear.
community.scope.org.uk/discussion/23091/piedro-orthopedic-footwear-entitlement

Thank you knitted, I will do that.

I was surprised that they were so quick to dismiss her by saying "it'll get better as she grows" because even last year when they saw her, her feet were causing her alot of problems.

It's twice as bad now and there has never been an improvement. It feels like they've just left her to struggle.

The physio said she had three conditions being tibial torsion, in toeing (pigeon toe) and something else beginning with a T. I can't remember the last one. I wasn't given any paperwork nor did we get a follow up. It was a very brief "nothing to worry about it'll improve with age. Discharged"

Nursery workers notice too small shoes/clothes because we need to wrestle the children in and out of them all day lol. They were trying to be helpful, not judgemental.

We’re trained to keep an eye on the children and their families, not in a judgemental way but so we can offer support if it’s needed :).