I am almost 30. I have rheumatoid arthritis. My body for the past 15 years acts like I should be at least 80, and to be honest with you, my nan is in her 80s and she is in a better physical state than me. I have always tried to 'get on with it' but recently, especially with not getting out during lockdown, I have had to accept I just cannot do what others can and will never be able to. I've never considered myself as disabled. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but, I've never wanted to accept that I was. But I am. And it had made me so low. I can't really talk to anyone in rl. I can't open up properly. I'm always the lighthearted one that doesn't let anything get her down.
I seem ok. People see me and see my slight limp and how I hold myself a bit awkward. How I don't open doors or hold things properly but that's about the limit. The grimaces I make when I stand sometimes I hide pretty well. But that isn't me. Inside I sometimes scream. Scream it's not fair or just scream in agony. Not being able to squeeze toothpaste out of a tube in a morning or get my pjs off to change into clothes. That's me. A daily struggle I try and hide. I hide it from everyone. I don't want to seem weak. But in body I am, even if I try not to be in mind.
I was diagnosed at 16. I have been fighting this losing battle ever since. 14 long years. I look forward to needles in my knees, draining fluid that is not meant to be there and replacing it with steroids that give me a few weeks sometimes months if I am lucky, of slight relief. A hip that is no longer the one I was born with because my body destroyed the original. There are some worse off than me and I am so thankful for the support I have around me. My boys keep me going even though it hurts my heart when they ask if they are allowed to hold my hand, or if they can't because that's my poorly arm. Not being able to make their beds or get on the floor and play with them. Picking them up has been forgotten, they'd never ask me now.
The NHS has been a constant rock. One that never has given up on me, one I've relied on for 13 years. I can call them and see a consultant normally the next day for pain management. I don't know what I'd do without it.
I don't know why I'm sharing this. It's not for attention, but I suppose to show that what you see isn't always the full story. Not just me but everyone. Be it physical or mental health. Most of us put on a front to the world so others don't see the real thing.
Sorry. That is so long. Sorry.