CW: sexual assault. Is that what this was?

[lemonysnickett88]

Im 32 now and sometimes an incident from when I was 15 plays in my mind. Ive been watching the doc on Epstein and its set my mind wandering again.

I was living with my auntie at the time & about to go into foster care. She had gone away for the weekend & my friends ex bf came over to watch a film as I was alone. He was 18, I knew him from RAF cadets and we were friends. I had a boyfriend at the time.

Said 18yo guy & his friends had made sexual comments about me during my time at cadets because I was well developed. Generally the older guys were pervy towards most of the underage girls.

Anyway, he brought a full backpack of dvds and me being naive thought oh ok and we chose something. We sat down & he was being very flirty and touching me lightly on the leg etc. He kissed me, it became clear he was turned on. I kissed him back, but Im not really sure why. He then started asking me to touch his nipples and started touching himself. I got a bit freaked out and went upstairs. He followed me, kissed me, I went along with it but felt uncomfortable. He took some of my clothes off and I stopped and said "no, im a virgin. " He backed off and said ok your first time shouldnt be with me. I felt relieved then. We went downstairs but he wouldnt let up and kept kissing me, pushing me against a counter. I said I was calling him a taxi & he should leave. I called it, when it arrived he said ok and left. He then rang me repeatedly asking to come back until I turned my phone off. He then looked up my aunties number in the phone book and rang and rang until I had to unplug it.

Ive always felt uncomfortable about this, but because I kissed back I felt it was my fault. I felt ashamed he was my friends ex and that I had a bf. He spread it around too so my then bf found out the next school day. I found out at some point too that he had raped my friend, she said that was how he took her virginity. It made me wonder why didnt he take mine that way.

I just want someone to make some sense of this for me if you can. I was around 15.5 and he was 18 so I know it was technically illegal, but does me being close to 16 and kissing back make any difference?

No it is illegal. He took advantage of you, tried to coerce you into sexual activities when you stated you didn't want to.
So what if you kissed him back you still retain your right to say no at any point.
If it's still playing on your mind it might be worth a chat with the rape crisis centre. They are lovely people and will help you talk it through / figure out your emotions.
Teenagers are still children, underage and need to be protected.
Personally I think even 16 is young for alot of kids to make mature decisions about sex but that's a side point.

When you said no and he continued to kiss you, that was wrong. Given what he did to your friend, I think you had a lucky escape. It sounds like it may have been a particularly vulnerable point in your life and I'm glad you got away from him. I would try not to dwell on this too much if you can.

Thank you. I dont dwell as such, just things pop up that remind me of it and him. The incident on the doc was so similar it was hard not to be reminded.