Absolutely pointless inventions and functions

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

I've encountered a number of these over the past few months and it genuinely perplexes me as to why even one person thought something a good idea, let alone a whole design and production team.

Insert/Overwrite function on keyboards
You're only allowed to delete a letter, one at a time, IF you have another to immediately replace it with. If you decide to replace a word or sentence, its replacement must be guaranteed to contain the exact same number of letters and characters. IME only ever activated when caught accidentally and you look up and notice your work disappearing as you type (the same as with Caps Lock, but at least that does have a useful function when used intentionally).

Burn settings on toasters
Not just the ones for those who like their toast very browned, but the ones actually designed to turn it to charcoal and make smoke pour out of your toaster.

Taps that stop the instant you remove your hand
Not the ones that give you 20 seconds of water per press - they're genius - but the ones where you have to contort yourself like a magician's assistant and use the tender bony bit under your elbow to have any hope of an effective rub-hands-together hand wash.

Hot/Cold switches on laminating machines
Anybody who deliberately selects 'cold' (as opposed to being confused as to whether it's 'switch down' or 'switch up' against the one you want) and expects it to do any good whatsoever is not competent to be allowed to use a laminator unsupervised.

Piercingly bright (or even flashing) lights on alarm clocks to tell you when it's on
They could at least include an inch of thick black tape in the box with the instruction to use it to cover over the pointless light that stops you from sleeping, especially when you've purposely bought a one-function item rather than being distracted by your phone.

25-50cm charge leads that come with phones
Fine that they're available to find and buy for the tiny amount of users who want to leave their phones charging in one exact spot right next to a dedicated free socket on the kitchen worktop without any excess length and never use or look at them whilst charging - but surely the vast majority of us put it on the arm of the sofa, plugged in wherever you have an available free socket, and want to be able to turn, look at and use it whilst it's charging, don't we?

There must be thousands of these things - anybody care to grumble about expose any others here?

Hot water preheat. Burning gas all day so the hot tap goes 5 seconds tepid-30 seconds icy-hot, and making a constant racket.

Smart meters. If they work, they're insecure. If they don't, you're faced with a nearly illegible display. The decimal point is smaller than a gnats cock, meaning everyone over 25 constantly gets the reading wrong.

Cholula Tabasco. Weak, tasteless, drove out McIlhenny. That was the real stuff, three drops made an omelette take flight.

Bluetooth, especially in vehicles. Just no.

Those little waxed cheeses. Like hockey pucks made of essence of feet.

Sweet potatoes. Only eaten by pre-schoolers, not a vegetable for adults. Butternut squash is the same.

Boiled egg slicers. I don't like uniform slices of anything.

WiFi enabled washing machine. Why? I need to be standing in front of it to put the clothes in it.

WiFi enabled ovens. I don't want food in there all day if I'm at work.

WiFi enabled any home appliance/lights pointless and a security risk.

The extra night car headlights which just blind other road users.

LOL dolls. Does nothing and the packaging is awful for the environment

Wifi enabled kettles. You still have to put water in it, so switch it on when you do that.

Bluetooth, especially in vehicles. Just no

I use mine to automatically play podcasts from my phone with no faffing around with cables.

25-50cm charge leads that come with phones

I keep mine in my car, to charge my phone without miles of cables to get in a knot, but just the right amount to connect my phone to the USB port and sit tidily in the little cubby nearby.

Thanks, Folks.

So many rubbish designs out there - but clearly some disagreement on what constitutes useless or ideal!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/15/kitchen-gadgets-review-egg-master-horrifying-unholy-affair

This thread reminded me of probably my favourite product review of all time. I still can’t see the point in it.

Digital radio in cars. Absolutely useless in a built up area.
Or should I say “ab———. —s ————— b———-a” which is what you would hear from the radio.

Digital radio is useless out on the motorways too. Completely disappears going across the M62 and on the M74 and that's what I can think of off the top of my head.

But thanks to Lets for the link. Confirms my suspicions about the wifi kettle and that Inspect a Gadget section looks like quite a rabbit hole of a website.

@Letsnotargue

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/15/kitchen-gadgets-review-egg-master-horrifying-unholy-affair

This thread reminded me of probably my favourite product review of all time. I still can’t see the point in it.

That has made my day!! “Skewers to defend yourself”

@Letsnotargue

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/15/kitchen-gadgets-review-egg-master-horrifying-unholy-affair

This thread reminded me of probably my favourite product review of all time. I still can’t see the point in it.

I love that review too! But did you see that Rhik had a very nasty accident with a hand blender this week and nearly lost a finger?? For that reason alone I am also adding hand blenders to this list - always hated them!

Hilarious review ! Made my day , the gadget is indeed a complete horror.

The egg thing is hilarious.

The insert key also belongs in Room 101.

However I love car Bluetooth.

They used to have all of those old catalogues that would fall out of the Sunday papers that were full of 'solutions' to non-existent problems. I still see the odd one now and again, but they've obviously had to up their game and the quality of their products in the age of online shopping (and reviews).

There must have been several companies who got rich knowing full well that folk were sending off their cheques or postal orders and ordering stuff from them, waiting 28 days for delivery and then receiving a box containing actual useless rubbish. IIRC, they sold a lot of stuff at around the £7-£15 mark, presumably hoping the amounts were small enough that people wouldn't go to the bother of contacting them and arranging for a return and just chalk it up to experience.

Their TV aerial boosters were their piece de resistance - ghastly huge plastic monstrosities that would sit on top of your (then big boxy) telly and completely overshadow it - and make not a jot of difference to improving your reception.

Digital radio is bugger all use in the sticks either, we don't even have mobile phone reception let alone digital radio!

Irons with a flex that's too short.

Cars with headlights so bright they could light up Wembley Stadium.

DVD players that take ten minutes to get going.

Bright searing blue flashing outdoor Christmas lights. See them in the distance and you think it's an emergency vehicle. Shouldn't be allowed.

Egg-shaped chairs.

Self flushing toilets that go off mid poo and backsplash you

Short shower cables, with tiny heads

Might as well get a wash under a gutter

DP would add websites where you save your game online. Progress is lost as soon as someone else plays the game and overrides your save.

Soup makers, what’s the point of a bulky slow cooker with an inbuilt blender to make soup. You still need to chop, and add things in order to fry onions etc. All you need is a hob and a stick blender

The annoying silk rosebuds that get put on bras. Wear a clingy top and you're all bumpy.
Oh, and FB messenger chat heads. Yes, I know there's a message but the thing is always in the way!