Financially Supporting PIL - WWYD

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

My SIL has previously asked for my advice on their situation and now there's a new issue on the horizon. I'm wondering what others would do?

Her DH is close to his Mum and Step-Dad, who have two other adult children. Shortly after he married my SIL, he mentioned, without prior discussion, that they'd need to "look after" his parents when they got older. SIL was taken aback as she had no idea that was the case - her PIL had professional jobs and she assumed they'd made retirement provisions.

Since then, her DH has bought them a new car and a few other things, with his younger siblings making much smaller financial contributions. Sadly, his SD now has an aggressive cancer and has only been given a year to live. His Mum may not be able to manage financially after the SD dies (and as they rent, there's no house to sell and free up cash).

Right now, the family's focused on making the most of the time his SD has left, but my SIL is concerned for the future. She knows her DH will want to look after his Mum, but there's a limit to what they can afford and his siblings have never been especially generous before. It would also be a tight squeeze if his Mum moved into their house as SIL runs her own business and needs a home office. They can't afford to move.

My SIL is kind and wants to do what's "right" but her DH isn't always logical money-wise. SIL hope that his siblings will step up and they can share the financial support, but there's no guarantee. If you were in that situation, WWYD?

Possibly mil would be eligible for some benefits? Your sil could check out the 'Entitledto' website.

Honestly I'd be tempted to leave my DH. That's a huge thing to not tell your spouse before you get married and I think she needs to protect her own money and assets.

As for her DH wanting to look after his mum does he mean he wants to take the credit for being a wonderful person moving her in while wifey takes on the shitwork? It often does.

She needs to tell her dh the mum won’t be moving in.

MIL needs to take some responsibility for her financial situation. I know it's terribly sad but this has been a long time in the making presumably. I think SIL should take a hard line here tbh. She needs to think carefully about the financial support that she thinks would be reasonable and sustainable and have a hard conversation with DH. I would want to know why this situation has developed and I would want full financial disclosure to see exactly how much money DH had been giving and why. And I would think seriously about whether this is a marriage I would want to stay in.

I wouldn't pay her a penny and I wouldn't be doing any 'looking after'. If DH wanted to do both with his personal monies and time then he could crack on. If expected of me, I'd leave.
If they've had professional jobs, where has their money gone over the years?

I think your SIL needs a frank discussion with her husband about finances. Then when the time is right, they all need another one with MIL about hers. If they dont own a place then presumably she qualifies for support.

My parents got themsleves into dire financial trouble about 15 years ago.DH and I had a young family at the time and weren't flush, but certainly better off than my parents were. It was amazing how quickly it became their 'normal' to expect us to step in and pay. Our breaking point came when my mum glibly said she knows she can always ask us if she needs anything. I had to say no actually you can't seeing as we were still paying back the money from the carpet we bought them! She was very shocked as she had for some reason assumed we were much more better off than we were. It had never occurred to her that we didnt have thousands in the bank with her name on it.

Unfortunately, people who get themselves into these situations ( sounds like the SILs family have squandered money for years seeing as they both had good jobs , rather than because they hit on hard times ) are clueless about money in general and will be happy for someone else to pick up the bill. It's a recipe for resentment. These people also rely on people being too emebarrassed to say no. The sooner she gets this all out there and clarified the better.

Your sister really needs to think about what she wants from life. Does she want children, a pension, holidays, savings, to own her own home. What level of support would or would not impede these things. What level of support she’d like to offer her own parents. These are all perfectly reasonable things to want.

As for living with MIL she should only agree if she actually wants to live with MIL. And then who will actually do any care if/when it is needed.

Even if they split bills 50/50 and keep the rest to spend how they wish ie. him on his MIL. Unless they have huge income she’ll end up paying down the line of shes the only one with savings, disposable income or a pension.

Personally I think MIL will need to go on benefits and look for rent capped accommodation for older people (there’s lots and most is very good). Your sisters husband can support MIL by ensuring that she gets everything she is entitled too. And then he can help out a bit with things like moving costs, the winter gas bill etc. Up to a level that doesn’t impeded them as a couple.

Just for note both me and my partner help out are parents as needed but not to a degree that we’re leaving ourselves or each other badly off. And neither of us would ever expect each other to house or look after them.

Just don’t. It never stops. You’re always seen as ‘the ones that will’ and it gets worse.

Your sil needs to woman up and have a proper discussion about it now rather than when it all become a crisis.
One of my friends had a widowed mum. She was dependent on the state pension. Her and her brother split her household bills equally between them, council tax, water, power, gas and tv licence. It was not a huge sum of money but took away her worries of basic bills.
If they are going to contribute something then sil needs to take some control and make sure it's something she can live with.
E.g. could she move to a warden controlled flat? What benefits will she get?

her PIL had professional jobs and she assumed they'd made retirement provisions

Assuming that they're in their late 60s or older they are very much of the generation with final salary pensions and being able to buy property especially with being in 'professional jobs'.

Is everyone in the UK? It sounds quite unusual that they aren't in this position. I know not everyone is, but you'd think they would be if they worked in professional jobs. The pension came with the job and most people who could buy property did, and it would be long paid off by now. Is there a reason that they haven't done this? Grown up abroad, previous business failure?

Is the need to 'look after' merely financial? And on that, there would need to be a full and frank discussion on maximising the MILs income from whatever benefits she's entitled to and what income she actually has. I know not all pensioners are financially comfortable, but many are, but still complain about finances, because things cost more than they did in 1982 usually.

Or did the MIL leave all finances and household stuff to her DHs and she doesn't know how to do bills etc?

Or is there a health aspect? If she's currently renting, maybe the sheltered housing type option could be worth exploring?

Or are the expectations cultural? Is the DH and MIL from a country where it's the norm for widowed parents to live with their DC? It's nice that people do this, but in reality, it's an imposition on the women in the family, and one that appears to have been dumped on your SIL with no previous discussion.

Thanks for the responses. I don't want to be too outing, but to answer some questions: no, this isn't in the UK; the reasons for this situation are complicated - all I can say is that it's not because they frittered loads on holidays, etc., it's connected with other lifestyle choices. They made choices decades ago that have led to this. MIL is mid-70's, fit and healthy. She has a career-related pension.

What I'm really after is advice on what would be the "right" approach to this without causing family rifts. The MIL has three grown-up children in their 40's and 50's so personally, I think they should all work together to sort this out. SIL is worried as they haven't stepped up much in the past, though, it's mainly been her DH.

SIL is a strong character so she can put her perspective across, but her DH isn't logical when it comes to his parents, because he loves them. Having known him for years, I can see why she's concerned, he's not the most practical type (doesn't always think things through).

Oh, and it's not a cultural expectation for widowed parents to live with their DC either.