Can't cope.

[HBGKC]

Just want an anonymous rant. Nothing can really be done about any of it (that I can manage).

I have lots of children, a husband who does pretty much nothing to help in the house/with the kids, beyond earning the money we live on (ok, that's quite a big contribution, but surely can't be the only thing reasonably expected from a father of a large family?)

The house is a permanent tip. Messy, cluttered and dirty. I struggle just to keep abreast of the normal shopping/cooking/laundry/dishwasher, and if I manage any big sorting-out jobs (that only I ever do, because I'm the only one that cares about them happening), then all the daily stuff goes to pot and it takes me days to catch up.

No point saying LTB, because I won't. It's obvs my fault for marrying him in the first place, my fault for having so many children (and with him), my fault for not training my children better as they were growing up (eldest is 17, youngest a breast-fed baby who will continue waking me up 3 times a night for at least another six months). It's all my fault, at the end of the day, which just makes me feel even more shit.

I hate that my kids are growing up in a mess and thinking that it's normal. I hate that they barely eat any vegetables, and are really boring picky eaters (I actually like cooking, and am good at it, but this makes me hate doing it). I hate that they spend so much time on screens (which their father buys for them, against my preferences, and then leaves me to police their usage - I can't keep up.) Too many devices, and too many children sneaking off to use them while I'm stuck in the kitchen/hiding in my bedroom.

Yes I'm depressed, no I won't take anti-D's. I know all the 'natural' ways of fighting against depression, but can't make myself DO any of them. Because, depressed. Vicious circle.

I'm intelligent, and analytical, and I have all these negative thought cycles constantly going round in my head. I know I should think less, and DO more, but I can't. Just feel totally paralysed. Wishing the next 15 years away, but knowing that if I don't change something drastically pretty soon, ALL of my kids will grow up in the same crappy way.

Rant over.

Rant away, OP. I feel like absolute shit at the moment too. I'm depressed too, and agree with you on that.
There's a lot of us about right now.
I understand.

Your children need to be trained to do good old fashioned chores or have their screens taken off them.
Washing up, laundry, mopping floors.
I cannot bear it when people do not expect their kids to do anything apart from hang out in their bedrooms looking at screens.
Time to get as tough as hell, draw up a rota, get a locked cupboard - put gadgets in it if they won't do their chores. Run the place like a military boot camp until they settle into the regime.
They will thank you when they are adults.
I think your husband is probably not going to change but your children can if you start now.
Think of all those pairs of extra hands.
And don't have any more kids.

Oh yes and cook one meal - if they don't eat it tough - and lock the kitchen door between meals.
They will probably think mum has gone mad and they would be right, mum is as mad as hell with all their shitty behaviour.
Threaten your husband with death or cms for the rest of his life if he doesn't support you in this.

He doesn't respond well to threats... but you're right about everything else. I know these things. I just am not strong enough to implement them. (Plus my husband will allow them to go on whatever screens for as long as they like, pretty much, if it means they leave him alone and don't bother him.) He's a v unreasonable person, but when the only two adults in the room are me and him, his opinion/attitudes have equal weight (in fact his more so, because he's more stubborn as well as unreasonable. E.g. if someone's ringing HIM about something that I could potentially deal with on his behalf, he just won't answer the phone - or he'll accept the call and just wave the phone at me, refusing to speak...)

Sorry, I'll stop now.

Why is it all your fault OP? You seem stuck but unwilling to do anything to change it

Why are you anti medication?

You sound completely overwhelmed, physically and mentally. I have periods like this. My motivation has gone to shit lately. From a practical point of view, make lists and break big jobs up into smaller jobs.

Take the anti - ds everything will be better

Can you afford a housekeeper/cleaner?

Please don't write off medication OP. It will help take the edge of your depression.

Take the anti depressants. They'll help make the ground under your feet to feel more stable so you can start dealing with the other stuff.

Also, have things got worse cos the kids aren't at school?

What @madcatladyforever said.
And demand that your lazy Husband pulls his finger out of his arse when he is at home! 💐

And you need to also refuse to take the phone from him and refuse to speak!!!! 😑

Yes it's obvs all a lot harder since lockdown began. Yes am feeling completely overwhelmed - the mental burden is too much, let alone all the physical jobs thy at are never ending.

Anti-Ds come with such long lists of potential side effects, some of them known to double the incidence of suicidality, plus I'm breastfeeding... and I'm useless at taking pills regularly; can't even manage a daily multivitamin.

It's all my fault cos I'm the stay-at-home parent (tho husband works from home a lot even outside of lockdown), so the domestic sphere is my responsibility, but I have been pregnant or breastfeeding (and therefore chronically sleep-deprived) for about 12 of the last 17 years, and my brain feels terminally fried. Have an IQ of 142, allegedly, but really don't believe my brain will ever recover. I can't even articulate my (admittedly complex) thoughts verbally any more.

Yes, will try to make lists and tick things off - but the making-of-the-list already feels like an endless and impossible task. I was on a mental health thread to list 3 jobs to get done in a day (have name-changed for this) but fell off it.

Pre-lockdown I had a lovely cleaner who came every couple of weeks and properly cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. Hopefully she'll be able to return soon.

She used to clean the whole house, back in the days it was vaguely tidy enough, but it's rarely tidy enough when she comes (before she arrives I'm already frantically clearing crap out of the two rooms she does do).

Raising a family is a two way job, it's not your fault. He needs to be responsible hiss children's upbringing too not just bringing home the bacon

Hey, I completely empathise. I know you feel in a rut and I completely get why you don't take anti D's too. You are biding your time for 15 years, the you hope to restart. Ok, I get that too, so given that you know you have to wait 15 years, and you accept the consequences of you both choosing to have many children, how can you male the best of the situation. You are mentally paralysed it seems! I suggest, take one small task - just one, that will result in something positive. I sorted just one kitchen cupboard out, organised it and felt so much better. That lead to another, and another, etc. Now more organised I feel better inside. Take one room at a time and get ready children together, give them a task. A lot of children will do little or nothing unless asked directly. Start with one simple, small task. I know you just wanted to rang. But I think some of us try also to help. Not sure if you wanted that.

Sorry about all the autocorrects! Hopefully you got what I meant

Thanks @thenamesarealltaken, I appreciate it - and everyone else who's taken the time to post.

I know I just need to START and DO small things - and actually I have got quite a lot of things done today: took the car to the garage (twice 🙄), walking back home each time. At least 3 loads of washing, including stripping my king-sized bed which was long LONG overdue. Gave the four youngest ones a bath. Will put some sourdough out to prove tonight. Made breakfast and lunch for various children. Looked after the breastfeeding baby most of the time too, of course.

Inside my head is still not good tho. But hey, at least the sun is shining.

Start again with ONE 'task' a day, as well as all the daily shit. I'm actually impressed that you've bathed four children in one day, I have two boys here and keep forgetting to wash them now they're not really going anywhere. Don't even get me started on homeschooling.

@HBGKC
Putting on three loads of laundry in one day is an achievement, so you're actually doing really well considering you've got more than a few kids and are breastfeeding. Plus, it must be really hard to not have your cleaner attend at the moment.

We're both WFH with two primary aged DC (5 &9). Homeschooling our reluctant 5 year-old DC went to pot two weeks ago. We really should have a cleaner, but I've struggled to find a really good cleaner through recommdation with availability. Finding any cleaner will be on the top of my list once lockdown is eased further.

Be kind to yourself and ask for help 💐