Wyd re ex asking dc about you?

[3NMe]

My ex and I separated after over 20 years at the beginning of this year. I asked him to leave and said it was best we went our separate ways as I'd found out, not for the first time, he'd been messaging other women and god knows what else. I'd had enough.

All relatively amicable, he sees our dc a couple of times a week. However he has always said he wants us to be back together and it's finally sinking in with him that that's not going to happen.

Yesterday I was putting laundry away in my bedroom and ex rang our eldest Ds (14). Ds always has the annoying habit of putting the phone on speaker so I heard the conversation.

First question to Ds was, "where's mum, what she doing?", Ds thought I was downstairs so he said I was downstairs.

Then ex started to ask where we had been yesterday, we're we with anyone, was anyone sat with me, did I talk to anyone, what did I do last night....all trying to find out what I've been up to.
(Happily Single and I've nothing to hide, I'd taken our dc out for the afternoon for a picnic as it was gorgeous)

Then the conversation turned to ex wanting to be back at home and he would come back if I let him.

Now I've said nothing to my son or ex but I feel I should tell my ex not to put our Ds in that situation. My relationship with my Ds has become increasingly difficult since ex left (was always a good relationship) and I suspect ex is making comments to our dc when he's alone with them. Do I say something to ex? Speak to my ds? Leave it and let Ds make his own mind up on the whole situation? I really don't know what to do.

As your DS is 14, I think he's old enough for you to have a proper conversation about this with him (I have a 14yo DS too btw). Sit down with him and ask him if he understands why you split up with his dad. What reason have you given him so far? If you have skated over the truth, I think it's time to be honest with him so that he understands where the blame lies.

You could talk to your ex too. Maybe don't say you overheard the phone call (as then you immediately start out looking like the bad guy), but say something vague about being worried that DS seems a bit confused about the separation and the two of you need to work together to make things clear for him. Then see what ex suggests.

I don't have any experience but my first reaction is to say you should have an honest conversation with DS. He's old enough for you to be honest. Tell him you overheard the conversation. Explain to him why you asked Ex to leave and why it's not acceptable behaviour and you won't be asking him back. Tell him you know it's making him unhappy so will talk to ex about his comments because it's not fair to put him in the middle and the issue is between ex and you. But be clear to DS you won't be asking ex back.

@3nme my ex is like that and has been ever since we split up 8 years ago! You cannot control what he says to your son I'm afraid, but your son can control his response if he wants to / feels able to.
Obviously I don't mean pressure your son Into responding in a way that's uncomfortable for him, but if he's able to say 'dad I thought you called to talk to me not mum' or something like 'dad you know if you want to Know something about mum it's probably best to just ask her'

I've probably been a bit vague with Ds tbh. I have said to the dc that I don't love their dad anymore and that I'm not happy with him, I've said we've changed over the years and it's best we separate.

I really don't want to go down the route of finger pointing and blaming ex to my dc as I feel it's not entirely his fault. I could have made more effort with him. I could choose to try and work things out. I don't want my ex's relationship with the dc to suffer. Ironically, we've seen a new side to him now he's not here, kids now love spending time with him, it's all fantastic, their relationships have improved.

I understand about not wanting to point the finger OP, but bear in mind that at the moment it sounds like you are getting 100% of the blame (in DS's mind) which isn't fair either.

Imo leaving exh up there on his pedastal is unfair on your dc..
They will find out and will likely feel stupid they respected - maybe inspire to be - like him. They are old enough for the truth..
Up to their df to defend himself not you to keep quiet.

I really think you need to tell DS the truth. And it can be done in a way that doesn't "blame" your ex. If you have an amicable relationship your son should be able to see you are not telling him in a way to be spiteful to your ex.

People change, relationships don't last. You can still be a family without being together. It's not the end of the world. If your son can see that you are strong and amicable with his dad but that you had good reason to split up it can be a healthy lesson for him.

Tell them the truth without ripping him to shreds. Just facts. Then sit back. They will see what he's like for themselves.

I also think it's time to talk to DS. He's old enough to know why you divorced, from your perspective, even if it's only in broad brush strokes. He should know what you were and were not willing to put up with in a marriage. It's a good lesson.

He's also old enough to know why discussing you with his Dad isn't a good idea, and that you don't like it, that it makes you feel like you're being spied on in your home. You and XH are both adults with your own lives, and you deserve respect and privacy.

Then you need to leave it up to DS how he handles it. I think 14 is still very young, and the decisions he makes now may be for selfish reasons (to ingratiate himself with his Dad) rather than more noble ones (treating you with respect). He may consider your love for him to be more constant, and less likely to be taken away on a whim, and he may take it for granted.

And it can all change in six months or a year or five or ten.

Teenagers tend to see things in black and white. It's more straightforward for him to believe that Dad wants to come back and you're mean for not letting him than to acknowledge the intricacies of your 20 year relationship.

I would speak to your son and be honest as well.

I would also speak to your ex and tell him you overheard and put him straight on why he isn’t allowed to move back into your home and what he is doing is exactly one of the reasons why.

My ex Bil plays these games with my nephew still 9 yrs later my sister never tells him to stop it makes me mad when my nephew repeats the blurb but l can’t say a thing as it’s not my child.

At 14 your ds should be well able to comprehend the idea of fidelity in a relationship.
From what you have told him and (probably) what your ex has told him he may believe that the split is your decision without any and his dad is the innocent party. He may also be projecting his actions onto you I.e. the messaging and whoever else suggesting you have been unfaithful. He has probably suggested you have an OM somewhere and by asking your ds about who you met etc he’s probably feeding that idea.
I think you should sit down with him and tell him that you need to tell him a bit more about why you have split up. You can be factual about it with out bad mouthing his father but I think he should know as it’s very unlikely that his father will admit to his actions.

You need an honest chat with your son, with your ex saying he would come back but you won’t let him is painting you As the bad guy and unless your son knows the truth he will begin to resent you as it’s you that’s keeping the family apart.

Id then be telling your ex to stop questioning your son as you heard the full conversation as ds had him on speaker phone!

Oh he definitely denies everything. He's not done anything wrong in his mind and I've no concrete evidence other than what I saw, I can't really prove it. But separating has been a long time coming I feel.

I will have a think about what to say to our Ds, you are all right, I need to have the conversation with him.

Sat down with Ds this evening and explained as easily as possible why we have separated. He's been like a different person since, so strange. I've had no attitude off him, no confrontation, no antagonising his siblings, very different to how he has been

Told exh to not put our Ds in that situation, it's not fair on him, if he wants to ask me a question he can ask me etc
He was shocked I had listened to the conversation with our Ds and a bit defensive. It was followed by "I'm gonna take the tv and microwave after I drop the dc later" 😏 He's just moved into a new place and has to start from scratch (was house sharing). I took it as a "you've hurt me so I'll hurt you" type action but maybe I'm overthinking it. I'm tv less now anyhow 🙄

So he’s going to punish the dc by taking their tv? What a wanker!

It's a pity your ex is being childish, but it sounds like the conversation with DS went well. Good outcome OP.

I really don't want to go down the route of finger pointing and blaming ex to my dc as I feel it's not entirely his fault. I could have made more effort with him. I could choose to try and work things out.

It's great that your conversations with DS and ex went well, but don't take on any blame that isn't yours. If he was messaging other women, that's because he wanted to, not because of anything you did.

I still get this nosiness about my business years on from ex and his family. So I make my (quite dull) life sound really exciting to the kids!! Knowing it will feed back!

@3NMe you may have lost a tv but at least you have gained a boundary. :)

I hope so Jings and thanks Multi 😊

My father still does this. I'm in my thirties and he and my mother separated when I was about 10.

Nip it in the bud! It can get a lot worse!

I finally told my dad I wasn't comfortable with these conversations when he started quizzing me on whom mum was seeing and if I thought they were having sex. Up to that point, I'd sort of been playing along and giving really evasive answers - but this one warranted a hard no!

It' incredibly awkward.

I completely agree it's not for my Ds to answer these type of questions, what if I had been sat with another man? My Ds would feel awful felling his dad that I was and he'd feel awful lying. Not a situation ex should be putting our Ds in