Is it normal to feel like DC has ruined your life at times?

[CoDerry]

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this. I think I just need to rant because I don't want to say it out loud, the words would hurt me to say and all I would think of is DC's little face...

I have just been offered a new job that will pay me 40k (pr), working 4 days a week. DC has additional needs and this takes up a lot of time with appointments etc. His dad is not hands on and works FT in London so can't help juggle. In fairness, his job really doesn't have any flexibility. My job role only really exists in bigger cities or where there are big companies about.

I can't take the job. I applied in dream mode, knew I could do the job but didn't think I'd get it. I've got it. But I'll have to let it go

At the moment I work PT in a lower paid role that doesn't really match the skill set I have. I'm bored. But I know being there for DC is so important and the thought of letting him down tears me apart.

I'm just so done with it all. DC doesn't speak, can't understand me. He is almost 3 yet we are in complete baby mode, it's like a mobile baby that doesn't understand, interact or look at you. I love DC but I want to cry at how life has turned out for me. He won't play with me, won't even look at me mostly. He needs constant attention, high needs.

I asked his nursery about increasing his hours before the Covid stuff started and they told me it wasn't a good idea, he wasn't suited to it etc.

Even things like going on holiday don't work. Everything we try gets ruined by him. We can't do anything nice. Even a simple family holiday didn't work, DC hates it all. Only really happy in his own house. I like to get out and about, it helps me cope. But DC struggles with this.

My parents are in Wales now so can't help with anything. His dad's parents are deceased, God bless them. His dad has a lovely step mum but she's busy with a job she is often working 6 days a week.

I just feel so burnt out and that worries me, because the real hard work hasn't even started yet. He's still only a baby.

The thought of telling any employer that I'll need all this time away and flexible options for appointments fills me with dread. I have no life.

We cope fine financially but it's just 'fine'. We could be doing so well if I went back to my career.

I hate this life. I feel like life is so restricted. I'm 22. I'm too young for this rubbish. Argh, it's hard

Millet I don't think the title is upsetting, sorry. I'm truly very sorry for your loss, and I mean that. We lost a baby last year and I wish I could bring them back and hold them again, I really really do.

But that's not to say raising some DC isn't often soul destroying at times. I understand it may seem a bit heated for a thread topic but despite your loss, I'm sure you know some people are just really struggling with their set up and feel a bit mad?

You could work full time and get a nanny - yes it would be an expense, but you would also get pay rises and promotions so it would balance out.

Jesus OP - take the job!!! Start really being pushy about a new nursery, grants or disability allowance, or look at how much a nanny/carer may cost even part time. Never mind DC adjusting to the change - so what? A job earning that at 22 means you could have a brilliant career ahead of you. You will get vaildation and dignity from carbing out a career in a field you enjoy and you won’t get that from your DC. Its no-one’s fault. Your DC will adjust to a new normal although I know that process is horrendous sometimes for SEN children. My heart goes out to you.... but TAKE THAT JOB.

second the PP that said get a nanny/au pair. You need your sanity too.xx

Seriously OP, claim the DLA. Its his money to help for anything he may need. It'll come in handy.

I feel for you, all mine did that that she was scream. 3 was an especially sucky age but it did get easier in its own way. I've spent years doing part time jobs with weird hours so I'm available for the zillions of appointments. But it got easier.

Your child has 2 parents, this shouldnt all be on you. Your nursery sounds a bit obstructive, can you find another setting if he would tolerate it?

I'm not going to tell you to take the job, I totally get it. But there's no hard in seeking a plan to make it work. Even if it's working on the couple of days dad's off and getting someone in for the other 2.

Also you need a new nursery. Ours is incredibly inclusive and over the years has had a number of children with complex needs. They have been every bit as much a member of the nursery community as any other child. Your nursery can’t cope with your child’s needs and he deserves better

Sorry yes should have added that absolutely yes if you want to do this do it now, the window of opportunity to be able to fix this situation by just money is now, nursery are open early morning till early eve, the hours of childcare available are reduced the older a child gets but by that time you could be established and be in position to request more flexibility

What about a different nursery or a mix of childcare settings, so nursery and a nanny?

That might stimulate your DC as well as giving you more childcare to let you take the job.

If he’s nearly 3 then it’s only a couple of years until he’s at school, so even if it’s a struggle to get it all to work just now, it will be worth it long term.

Thank you all so much

I'm shocked at most people saying to take the job. I started a few threads a while back about working and SEN DC. Quite literally, everyone said working with SEN DC was too challenging for them and DC. Some said DC didn't cope well with nurseries or childcare. Others had lots of additional reasons.

Childcare goes worry me because DC couldn't cope in his last place so we moved him. I fear taking this job isn't best for HIM. Just because even at this set up he tolerated and enjoys a bit, he is relieved come half day finish, and in absolute melt down if he goes a long day. It is a real struggling for him.

I'm just always trying my very best for him and I think I could be compromising his happiness if i take the job

It's poo because I really can't stand to remain with no real 'something' behind me. But even more so, I am very passionate about DC and wish there was a balance I could find.

I'm interested in DLA claiming. I hear some many reports of rejecting though

I honestly think you need to change your perspective of things. And I would look at a full time nanny v nursery with your child's needs. When you become a mother your children come first, sorry if you feel you can't handle that, but you've have your DC now so time to step up and change your mindset. No use playing the victim role. You chose to have a child, now you need to dedicate your life to raising it. End of. If you want to take the job, make it work.. But make sure your DC is happy first and foremost. Your only 22, you have years of your career left. My career kicked off at 26 and I had two DC and I've always made it work around them and still been successful. Time to put your big girl panties on and toughen up.

You are 22. Earning 40k now would put you on a huge salary in 10 years (I know people with a similar trajectory who wre earning 100k plus by 35). So to put it bluntly you could afford a far better life for him than otherwise. For example a colleague’s son who has severe Downs Syndrome has had access to schools, professionals and experiences he never would have if she hadn’t been rich (or reliant on the NHS to get things done). That isn’t being unrealistic it’s telling you the truth - it may well be that with more money in your pocket your DS will be happier long term.

And you're going to have to toughen up. Fight. For everything. For an ehcp, for DLA. Every time consultant or GP or school says no. You have to make it happen. Insist. Demand. Write emails so you've got a paper trail. Clarify everything that has been said with a follow up email.
Get on the SN boards for support. They helped me years ago, when I was literally broken.

Take the job. Having something for you would make you a better mother. You would go home fulfilled and really enjoy your ds. If I'm struggling, financially or feeling like I'm not 'me' anymore, I find parenting really really tough. You can do this x

I don’t have dc with SEN so can’t offer direct experience, but i would say that when i was struggling with mat leave with dd1, my husband completely supported me in going to work (part time) And getting a nanny for those days, even though we made a financial loss on the arrangement, because 1) it wasn’t going to be forever, and the more you work the more you have the chance of promotion/better pay, and most importantly 2) he could see i was struggling and this would make all the difference to my mental health. Don’t underestimate the importance to dc (and you) of having a happy, coping mum instead of a struggling unhappy one.

I think most people including me said take the job because you really want this opportunity. And earning more money will make life easier in the long term. Completely agree with Grumpyhoonmain.

I think you should do whatever you can to get the job. Even if you're essentially working for nothing once child care costs are deducted. Like a pp said...40k at 22 will mean you'll most probably be earning a very high salary in the future. Don't give that up if at all possible..for your ds sake.

I don't know if you and your dh share all finances but if not, the cost of childcare should be coming out of both your salaries

Take the job! Try your damndest to make it work. And at least, if it doesn't, you know you've tried. Try.
It will be good for your mental health.
Don't ask your husband, tell your husband: These are my plans. This is what I am doing for myself and for us as a family. You don't need to ask your husband's permission for anything. Ever. You tell him what you want. It either works or it doesn't. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. But make your choices and share them with him. See if you can carve out a solution together.
You both have to brainstorm ideas as to how to make it work.
Just give it a go. As mentioned above, it's not all on you! Your child does indeed have 2 parents!
Find another nursery, one with a really good SENCO. That made a world of difference to my youngest and to us as a family. And if it's of any comfort, my neurotypical kids did terribly with playdates before the age of 5-6. I just didn't even go there with them until they reached reception. My youngest (SEN) is now 6. We don't do playdates. Does he care? Nope. Do I care? Not at all. You could have the Perfect Child (he/she doesn't exist of course) and you'll still have a few judgy jokers who won't let their kids mix with yours (for so many insane reasons). My advice to you is to try not to put much store on socialising with other kids and parents. It can create more stress and tension than it's worth. Think about YOU now, OP. Go for the job. Your little boy is loved, fed, clothed, and watered, and above all, supported! He's ok. You're not. Do something entirely for your well-being! You're 22. Carve a life of security and joy that is just yours. Yes, you will share elements of this with your family, but you need to keep something back that is just for you. I am 48 and I did not do this. Do this, OP. Try.

Op your set up sounds really challenging. Ime long days in nursery would be too overwhelming for a child with needs that you're describing. I would consider the job but see if you can get a childminder who can offer a smaller set up or nanny.

Do you have any professionals involved- speech and language, paediatrician, portage etc? If your dc's needs are significant then you should be applying for DLA and an EHCP.
Good luck

I think the financial side of things need to be carefully considered. The 40k is pro rata like I say in my OP, so not quite 40k. Plus, and forgive me for being a bit naive, but why do people say childcare needs to come from both salaries? It all goes into one pot so I'm not sure why that would make a difference. The ins and outs will still be the same regardless won't they

Plus, and forgive me for being a bit naive, but why do people say childcare needs to come from both salaries? It all goes into one pot

Lots of couples have separate accounts and very often the childcare costs come out of the woman's salary whilst the man keeps his.

Not saying that's the ops situation by the way...I don't think she's mentioned their set up.

His dad is not hands on and works FT in London so can't help juggle

Why is he allowed to be hands off and unburdened by the same pressures as you? Why is he allowed a career and not you?

I wouldn’t advice you on your job because I don’t know could you make it work or not but it’s true that having money make real difference for raising a child with additional needs.
My DD is 15. I do remember the stage between 2-4, it’s really hard. Everyone moved on from baby stage and I felt like staying in prison for life. It became better when she became more mobile and we started going out and about. I also found social life absolutely impossible, I was breastfeeding, she was very clingy, It’s nightmare. It’s getting better when they are at school and then depending on diagnosis getting worse post-16, it’s true. And you’ll need a lot of money for all these extras: moving to a good catchment area, therapy, etc.

I agree OP. Apologies if my post was misleading. The cost of childcare does need to be shared. I just meant that even if a nanny does cost almost as much as your salary it is still worthwhile long term, not that you should be solely responsible for it.

I think it’s worth speaking to the employer and explaining your circumstances to see if they have any degree of flexibility. The job climate is tough at the moment, so for you to have been hired I’m confident they really like you, you might be surprised what alternatives they can offer.

You say your DC can cope with half days better than full days. Perhaps you could ask if 5 half days instead of 4 full days could be an option? And maybe look at a nanny for the one extra day that nursery have said they can’t do.

My point mainly is that there could be a bit of wiggle room here which would help you do a job you love, something that I truly believe would help you with the feelings you’re having.

Once you get past nursery you can access a Sen school. Life will be easier then. Definitely apply for DLA, some agencies will help you fill the forms in. Also, check out your county’s local offer. It’ll tell you what you can access.

Has the company told you about what your working environment would be now? Most people are working from home.