I don't feel like my life has purpose

[IrelandsIndustry]

feel awful because I have a loving husband and a healthy 4 year old DD, no money worries but I just feel so miserable. I've never had a job I've enjoyed, I'm competent at my job but that's it, it is tedious and unfulfilling. I want to do something else but have no idea what I even want to do. I'm not good at anything. The one thing I love to do is cook but I dont want to be a chef. I used to love to draw and to write but my creativity has gone down the pan since I had DD and I just feel I have nothing to say anymore. I love animals and nature but what am I going to do with that? I have 2 degrees ffs.

We live in a flat with no garden and were going to move but this fucking pandemic has seen to it that it will probably never happen now.

I feel flat and like there is nothing in my life I am working towards. I am 32. Is this really all my life is going to be?

I am a horrible person for feeling like this and not enjoying my lovely DD.

These questions might help you. The first thing I thought of when reading your post was what about illustrated children's books about animals?

Love your username. A school friend back in the day thought those were the actual lyrics

Thank you so much for your reply, I will take a look at those questions

Could you do something involving cooking that isn't being a regular chef? niche meal delivery/baking/private chef/youtube channel?

Drawing painting animal/nature card designs and selling them on etsy?

I'd love to do any of those things i just lack so much confidence and feel like I'm boring

Feel very similar OP. Im mid thirties with 3 degrees and in an entry level position in statutory body after dabbling in academia and deciding it wasn’t for me. I’m just keeping head above water in job due to covid taking away my childcare so I have no time to commit to it. I feel useless and have no direction or purpose.

Also meant to move but again covid put the brakes on that. I just feel like I’m existing at the moment.

But don’t beat yourself up. You’re allowed to want more for yourself and still love and appreciate your child. We don’t have to live just for our kids. I hope you can find your way soon. Good ideas to start with what you like and think outside the box a bit. If you have no money worries you’re in a good position to experiment with a few different things. Good luck.

The lack of confidence thing is so hard. That’s why I’ve never got very far. I guess we both have to put ourselves out there at some point if we want things to change. Scary though.

You shouldn't feel bad, it's amazing that you've recognised this and are asking the question!
I think so many people don't even realise they lack a purpose and can't understand the feelings of low level depression, and therefore don't do anything constructive about it. Except maybe take anti depressants.

Have you tried this : www.amazon.co.uk/Artists-Way-Discovering-Recovering-Creative/dp/0330343580?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I think a move in the future to somewhere with a garden may really change things for you, but the Artists Way programme could help you explore what it is you feel you are missing. It may identify things career wise or just things you've forgotten about, or lost along the way or things you never even knew you wanted to do!

I heard it recommended by Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote Eat Pray Love. She does it every few years to help her write. She said it helped her discover she wanted to learn Italian as well!

You are looking for something, that's the first step of the journey! Keep looking.

Eliazabeth Gilbert also wrote this:
www.amazon.co.uk/Big-Magic-Creative-Living-Beyond/dp/1408866730?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

About letting go of your fear to fins your creativity.

Another vote for the artist's way, it's not just for artists :)

I'd say as well not to put pressure on yourself - my purpose became clearer over time when I let myself do things I loved without too many expectations attached.

I hated The Artists Way. And I'm a writer who has struggled with creativity. Instead I recommend 'Man's search for Meaning', written by a psychologist and a Holicaust survivor.

I have ordered the artists way, thank you

I used to be so good at writing. I have an MA with distinction in creative writing. These days I just cannot find the words.

Mans Search fro Meaning is an amazing book and helps you understand why purpose is so central to existence, but it doesn't help you find your own purpose.

The Artists Way has a spiritual element which some people wouldn't like.

There are other programmes which are more narrative approaches which aim to help people explore and find what they might feel is missing.

It's just one suggestion as a way to explore. I think that's what you need to do, explore, and enjoy the exploring letting go of the guilt, the fear and the pressure.

Did you get the morning pages journal with it? That is great for just getting you writing again without fear or pressure.

Journalling is great but sometimes I feel blocked even with just trying to start- sometimes a bit of structure can help to release something and let it flow.

How about taking the feeling at face value? Maybe you are absolutely right - your life lacks purpose right now. That makes you down. You sound like you love your DC and your DH but that alone doesn't need to be enough. If it isn't, it isn't. It sounds like you want a challenge.

Can you join a new writing group and set yourself some goals to write a chapter a month or submit a flash or poem every week, just to get the habit back?

You also sound like you may have a form of depression. Look up anhedonia and dysthymia. I had severe anhedonia. I tried all sorts of things to get over it (including three different medications.) What worked for me was to set myself the challenge of doing something I'd never done before every single day for a year. I had to look up sites online to get ideas. There's also a book, written by a US TV anchor who did it called I Dare Me. I bought that and took some ideas from it too. I have to say, it was an amazing year and I've never felt so down ever since. When I feel flat-lined by life (which I have a lock during lockdown) I just go back to one new thing a day and it lifts me. Journalling helps a lot too.

WRT Julia Cameron and The Artist's Way - it is great but I promise you you can do 'morning' pages at any time of day. In fact it's better if you do. JC has no kids. Don't set yourself up to fail by having to do them first thing. Just do them at some point each day. Ime, that works even better.

I have suffered depression on and off for years really. I always just felt I was lazy and slapdash

I know exactly how you feel. I work in a professional career that I used to love. Now every day feels flat. I am never happier than when sewing but I can't make a living from that. I'm indifferent and lazy and demotivated. Corona has highlighted this as the busy life I created to cover it has vanished overnight. Now I don't know who I am.

The list of questions posted above looks interesting and I will try and find the motivation to work through it...

Gosh, I used to feel like this. It contributed to me allowing myself to be bullied by my ex into giving up my job and independence to follow his career aims.
Talk about not knowing what you have got until it is gone. I would give ANYTHING to go back to that unfulfilling job and have my old life and financial independence back. It's easy to see what you haven't got and not what you have. Especially when your life is secure, like yours and like mine was. That security is enormously valuable.
I'm not saying don't try to change your life but I am saying value what you have now too.
As for your self beliefs ( or lack of self belief), you could try reading a book about growth mindset by Dweck. Terribly constructed book, but some useful stuff in there.

I very much value financial security. I grew up with none. My mum worked 3 jobs and a 70 hour week to keep a roof over our heads. That's partly why I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

Finding your own North Star By Martha Beck is the one I always recommend., I hated eat love pray and the artist’s way because they seemed so very self indulgent.
Finding the things that bring a spark for you is an extremely personal thing and doesn’t have to be just one hobby. It can be about how you create your living space and how you dress as well. For example I quite like living in a house that is a little messy, but I get a real lift if it smells good, so aromatherapy oils are important to me. Looking at bees on plants gives me great pleasure, so does eating very good quality chocolate. Alcohol does nothing for me at all. Be receptive to moments where you feel a lift in your heart and take some time to notice.
It’s too hard to go from nothing to ideal career path in one leap. Take some time to explore.