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Original poster

Please talk me out of wanting a third child

17 replies

PeppaChic · 29/05/2020 07:26

I am bordering on obsessed with whether or not to go for a third. Husband happy either way. I wish I felt ‘done’. Any advice gladly welcomed. Thank you!

OP posts:

theginge · 29/05/2020 07:39

I was exactly the same as you last year. I went for it and now have a 6 week old baby. Don't let people put you off if it's what you want. I feel like I really know what I'm doing this time around. I'm so much calmer and am enjoying all the little things much more because I can take it in my stride. My older 2 (5&7) adore their baby brother and wouldn't change him for the world. Obviously with lockdown it's made things more complex all around but hopefully we are seeing light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck whatever you decide!

DappledThings · 29/05/2020 07:42

I can give you all the reasons we never wanted a third:

Always being outnumbered
Having to get a new car
2 out of 3 would have to share a room. This would end up being the two that are the same sex so one gets their own room just by the chance of X or Y genes. Seems unfair
Another set of nursery fees. No thank you
With two we have replaced ourselves. It isn't a simple issue by any means but if we were to go above replacing ourselves in the population I find the idea very uncomfortable.

Carolebaskins · 29/05/2020 08:00

I have 2 sons aged 6&8 and a 6 month old DD. It's the best. Go for it. The boys adore the baby.

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Poetryinaction · 29/05/2020 08:03

My reasons for wanting 3 were mostly:
to give each of my children siblings, someone else to love and play with and interact with throughout childhood and beyond.
They outweighed any negatives, which mostly just come down to finances.
We could afford a third and she has made each of our lives immeasurably richer.

BigusBumus · 29/05/2020 08:03

I have 3. Holidays are a nightmare. 3 children can't share rooms with parents so you have to have adjoining rooms. Officially one parent In each room and they make the rooms up that way so you have to be creative about being able to sleep with your husband. The extra cost is prohibitive so you end up getting a villa instead and not having much of a holiday yourself with all the cooking and cleaning etc.
It's a struggle in a lot of cars to get 3 car seats across the back.
If I could do it all again (as much as I love my kids) I'd actually only have had one!

stealthbanana · 29/05/2020 08:03

Following with interest as am in the same boat. My heart says yes, my head says let’s be happy with our lives and move on. But as the kids get older I am just loving the bones of them and would love to have another one. Major downsides are I hate being pregnant (hyperemesis), not fond of the baby (0-1yo) stage, and we would have to extend the house to add another bedroom in due course (can do so but will be a pain).

Gah!

Sparklingbrook · 29/05/2020 08:06

Fast forward years to having 3( possibly squabbling) teenagers in the house.
Putting 3 DC through University and associated costs.
Doing all the school stuff 3 times including years of the school run.

Budapestpest · 29/05/2020 08:06

All my reasons for just having 2 are exactly the same as dappledthings. Felt v strongly about all those reasons.

Spillinteas · 29/05/2020 08:08

Holidays will be harder and much more expensive to book

Fair ground rides are awkward

Three car seats in the back of a car is a fucking nightmare

Three lots of expensive school uniform

Eye watering nursery/school fees

purpleboy · 29/05/2020 08:10

No one can tell you what to do it's your own decision, my personal thoughts on it are,

How old are the existing children? What are their personalities? Independent, needy, can you honestly say adding another won't take needed time away from the 2 you already have?
What are your finances like? Does having a 3rd mean your existing children will have to miss out on any experiences etc because of finances?
Will they have to share a room?
Are you financially secure enough that if for any reason your husband isn't around you can comfortably provide for all children?
The planet is already overpopulated, I think anyone having children really needs to consider the impact of that decision.
Would you need a bigger car to fit in the baby in a car seat?

I always believe you should put the existing children first, if having a 3rd is going to negatively impact their life in any way then I don't think it's ok.
But as I said it's entirely your decision and no one can make it for you.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Mouthfulofquiz · 29/05/2020 08:13

I felt utterly panicked when I found out I was pregnant with my third, despite feeling a bit like I may have wanted another child. The worries about practicalities soon passed and we sorted out a cheap car to get us through the first couple of years (we had three in car seats). Anyway - we were lucky to have a decent sized house and to be honest, it has at times been overwhelming but I wouldn’t be without him, and I feel ‘done’ now. Sorry I can’t talk you out of it!

MsTSwift · 29/05/2020 08:15

We stopped at 2 so glad we did. I am one of 3 myself

Two close in age same sex get on really well so easy dynamic
We quite high income but as girls grow they get very expensive. The toddler hand me down stage is short
We have enough time and money for 2 so can offer better support even with 2 I have to be in 2 places at once with activities
We can have family adventures and do activities together that we would struggle to with a younger child
I would have felt too guilty re over population / environment

Blockofsunondesk · 29/05/2020 08:20

What age are your current children? I would say if still fairly young then that changes things. My two are older primary age and after years of considering a third I have ruled it out now - it would mean my life staying in the young children gear for another 5-10 years and I don’t want that. It’s about the phases of life for me - I’m looking forward to moving into a new phase where I can have more independence as they grow up. Going for another would change all that. I also feel the age gap would be too big and the older kids would miss a lot of attention that they will need as they move into their teenage years.

I still sometimes feel wistful about pregnancy, breastfeeding, babies etc but I also feel like that about other phases of my life - university, school, childhood. Doesn’t mean I’m going back!

Original poster

PeppaChic · 29/05/2020 08:51

Really appreciate every response. Thank you. I have 2 dds 5&3 very close and they make me so so happy. Youngest had/ has cancer and I think that’s changed a lot for me in terms of planning ahead in so many ways. My overriding feeling is that I wish I knew I was done. That would be my ideal. Instead I have this nagging/ growing desperation to have another child and I honestly think I need some proper help to unpick why I feel that way to work out whether I should ‘go for it’ or try and move past it with gratitude I have my children. Facing the prospect of losing my youngest makes everything different and I just don’t know what to do. Thanks again for everyone who has shared their experiences/ feelings.

OP posts:

Hopefulhen · 29/05/2020 10:42

Having read your update I definitely agree that you would benefit from some counselling. I cannot imagine wanting a third myself but then again I have never had a child with cancer.

MsTSwift · 29/05/2020 11:02

Yes it’s very personal decision. The poster with older kids wistful about the baby toddler years - I loved them at the time did the whole sahm thing for 6 years but no way on gods earth would I want to go back to that drudge! Now girls and dh and I can watch films together that are actually good and do genuinely fun things love the new stages can’t imagine hankering after past ones.

Wotrewelookinat · 29/05/2020 14:50

How would you cope if you had twins/triplets? I never thought it would happen to me...but I had twins and the logistics can be challenging...

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