At breaking point today. WFH with toddler.

[Diorissimo1985]

I'm at the end of my tether right now, I can't cope anymore. We have a toddler DD who is 2.5 and she is normally in nursery full days, 3 days a week as those are the days I work (21 hours a week). DH works full time. DD is especially clingy to me but this was the case before lockdown too. She cannot abide DH being the primary care giver and extremely distressed if I try to work at home. I feel that DH allows/fosters this situation as it suits him - is that horrible of me to think that?

Now I do feel that this situation is my fault as I have let this happen but I completely enable DH to work his full hours (well above to be honest) and I'm left doing 90% of the childcare, food shopping, plus housework. I work perhaps one hour in the daytime and log on at night to make up my hours. If I say I need to work, DH just puts her in front of the ipad and gets on with his work - he would let her watch it from 8am to 6pm, no problem.

I am currently upstairs trying to work but DD is hysterically crying and trashing the sitting room because I'm upstairs and not in her presence. I am in tears myself, I can't concentrate as the screaming is so awful. She is never like that with me and I can't bear to hear the distress and anger in her voice. She is gagging and wretching with the crying. This happens every single day, for weeks now.

What am I meant to do? How do I cope with this? I can't think straight and I'm so unhappy.

If DH can’t handle his fair share of the childcare he does the housework and shopping then at least you’ve only got the childcare.
Can you work a bit when she’s having a snack or watching the iPad sat next to you? That’s what I do

Yes I can do a bit of work whilst she colours or watches tv next to be me, but most of my job is video conference calls, phone calls etc. The other part I need to concentrate on detailed information and she isn't good at occupying herself for any length of time (unless it is screen time). I don't feel comfortable with 7 hours solid of tv whereas DH doesn't seem to see the problem if it means he can work. DD's behaviour has been generally appalling since the start of lockdown and she normally very happy and chatty.
We also usually have a cleaner so neither of us normally do all the housework, but I am doing all the stuff the cleaner usually does. I'm in a mess today and I feel I've brought it on myself.

I would explain that given you ith wfh and have responsibility for the housework, childcare and cooking, that a rota will now be in place. On your working days, he will be or you can now work 1 till you've done the hours and the other will work 5/6 to 1.
That household jobs will be divided up and set for each day and person. Childcare will include activities and non use of TV and electronics during the childcare hours, but will include garden play, walks, and arts n crafts. etc. You'll cook 4 evenings and him 3.

Have it in black and white.

State that given his lack of stepping up, this unilateral decision has been made.

No you haven’t brought it on yourself. It’s really hard on women at the moment, most men’s lives haven’t changed that much.

Could you get your cleaner back now and ready meals?
I use non sugary snacks such as the veggie straw crisps and Pom bears and we do have quite a bit of CBeebies. Ice lollies made of fruit juice are handy too I get 10 minutes then.
DSs behaviour is up and down it get worse if I’m trying to do some work that I really need to concentrate on. When I’m on the phone behaviour is bad.
It is just incredibly difficult and people who haven’t had to try and work with a toddler just don’t get it.

You really need to persist with DH doing his share of the childcare. Can he temporarily drop a day of work or make up the hours later to concentrate on childcare?

Prepared to be flamed by some for this but many nurseries are planning to reopen next week; is yours staying closed to DD’s age group? Said with full sympathy as I can imagine what much of it is like (one DC the same age but luckily has a sibling, and DH is better by the sounds of it. And I’ve found this bloody hard enough so kudos to you).

Thank you. It's so hard isn't it. DH is currently working 6am - lunchtime (I prepare lunch), then I might get an of work after lunch, then swap back. I have my laptop set up downstairs and am nominally 'working' in the morning but I get literally nothing done aside from reading a few emails. DH then works until teatime, comes down for tea and usually does bath time/story. He then works again in the evening. The hours he is working are ridiculous, I feel it allows no space for me to get anything done. He says it's because work is frantic but I feel I'm the one bearing the strain.

Yes @UhKevin her nursery is reopening and we will be sending her in but on reduced hours. Not sure what yet as they are working it all out. I am at breaking point today though - but yes, only a week more to get through in reality.

It’s totally reasonable to be at breaking point Congrats on making it this far (seriously!). Deep breath and into tomorrow. One more day of this - do what you need to do, even if it’s working a bit of the weekend - then you’ll be getting a bit of breathing space next week. Not great you’re still waiting on hearing hours, mind. But hopefully even if it’s half days it’s more juggleable. Convo definitely in order with your DH this weekend once you’re feeling more up to it.

Thanks @UhKevin - first day back would be next Thurs earliest apparently but the end is in sight. I don't know how people are managing with both parents working full time!

Hello, not sure if this will help however my almot 2.5 year old boy sounds the same as your little girl, however my boy is especially clingy to his dad- not me- and will do the same, cry and tantrum for ages if he knows Dad is at home or in another room

One thing we have had to do (on the odd occasion Dad needs to work from home/do a diy project elsewhere in the house) is to actually wave him off at the front door, as if he is going to work!! It sounds ridiculous, but if my little boy thinks hes gone to work he then is fine to carry on the day with me, and Dad just sneaks back in and goes upstairs.

If you are doing a video call upstairs I would recommend your partner has the tv on loud downstairs so that she does not hear your voice, and you should get a solid amount of hours to work.

I’m sane, work seemed to step up a notch today, maybe people and king as it’s Friday tomorrow and a short week. My DD, 7 has had screen time most of the day, I’m about take her for a walk before bed

That made no sense and I feel far from sane! Tomorrow is another day OP. Your DD won’t really remember this time, don’t stress

He needs to take her out when it's his shift. And he needs to pull his weight with the housework.