It isn't all he is.

[DomDoesWotHeWants]

A friend's husband has dementia. It's been slow but he is getting worse. She's managing at home for now with family help but feels her friends are deserting her.

Her husband has started to say inappropriate things and to swear, which he never did before. It's the dementia talking but her friends have begun to avoid them, I suppose through embarrassment. This morning when they went for their morning walk a neighbour saw them and turned round and went the other way.We live a long way away, so even without Covid we couldn't visit very often.

At the moment he's fine most of the time but she knows it will get worse and she's feeling very sad. Lifelong friends are turning away from them. He is still there, he is still the friend who has been with them through thick and thin, who has supported them. The dementia isn't all he is.

I suppose this is an appeal to people not to turn their backs when behaviour becomes unacceptable on occasion. The real person is still there, please remember that.

I looked after a family member until dementia finally took her, I think it's human nature to shy away from things which we find uncomfortable and upset us on a base level. This could be any of us in the future and that scares people to death.

That said, I think most people would recognise that and hope others would be decent enough to understand.

I hope the carer gets all the support available.

Thanks, Joe. I feel a bit useless being so far away. We've all talked on Zoom and he's still there and has strong memories of times past.

I suppose being shut away by Covid is making her feel worse but I wish their friends would make an effort.

Thanks for the reply.

It’s a horrible illness and has taken mum and her two sisters and my grandmother.
At the end there was just mum, me and dh and our children.
There’s no point anyone else coming
Mum didn’t know anyone
She forgot I was her daughter even
Her only beloved daughter at that

That's so sad, Dowser.

DH just reminded me. His uncle had dementia and he carried on driving for quite a while - with his doctor's permission. I wonder how common that is. I know there are different forms of dementia.

Both my in laws had dementia.

My DH and his sisters got support from www.alzheimers.org.uk/

My in laws went to a weekly Dementia tea at a community centre which gave my sis in law a break.

I know lock down has stopped things like this but maybe your friend can find some help and ideas for later on?

You sound like a lovely friend OP.

My grandfather had alzheimers.
He just turned into a completely different person towards the end someone who he would hate to be.
I think people just find it uncomfortable and don't know how to act in that situation.
We just learned to laugh in the end (rather than cry!) when he'd be shouting at us and swearing horrendously thinking we where all conspiring against him. He'd even try and stand on our feet or grab at our arms.
But we just made it As light hearted as we could.
Like when he's start swearing we'd laugh and say ooo that's a new one or Havnt been called that one in a while! Thanks bamp!
Or when someone would come in We'd ask if they had they're tap dancing shoes on today because they needed to move they're feet quickly out of they way!
But there was still little glimmers of him in there which people could see.
Bloody awful disease.
It's times like that when you need you're friends and family the most not people avoiding you.

Thanks for the very kind replies. I feel so useless but am always on the end of a phone to talk.

The swearing and inappropriate stuff started at Christmas but she'd hoped people would be more understanding. I guess she'll need to seek out a group of people who know what it's like - like the one you mentioned, Esther. Thank you.