I’ve gone weird with my other half

[Anonymousdog]

My partner has depresssion and had a bit of a severe episode over the last two weeks - saying he didn’t want to live in our house, was going to move back to his family house 40miles away, that he never settled where we are, that he misses being with his family, being on the phone to his boss saying he thinks he just needs time away from the relationship to focus on him (I’m sitting on the couch next to him at this point). That coupled with the severe depressive symptoms of not getting out of bed, crying, not eating, self loathing etc. I had to look after him, the house our animals and try to keep on top of my work and I struggled. I became very low and he said to me ‘you might be feeling some sort of emotions but you don’t feel how I’m feeling right now’ and that really hurt me. It like my feelings didn’t matter, he said he knew I was struggling and he wished he could provide me with support but he just couldn’t. He is on medication and this episode really got to me too. I was worried about our relationship, the man who was once excited about our future engagement and trying for a baby has told me he doesn’t want that and that ‘thinking of those things just increases the pressure and anxiety for him’. I lost 7lbs in a week, I couldn’t eat, convinced this was the end of my relationship as he told me ‘what if I moved back home and I don’t want a relationship, I don’t know what I want right now I just know I love you’, that was so hard to hear. I love him deeply and we have never had any relationship problems before this, we talk openly, communicate, I felt safe and we had a lot of trust. He is the most loving, caring and generous man and he always puts others before himself, so this is totally out of character and So this hit me like a tonne of bricks.

At the weekend there he seemed much better (all of a sudden) he apologised profusely for what happened and said he doesn’t want to move out etc and he just thinks so irrationally when he is so low and in his words ‘in the pit of doom’ and it’s not what he wants. Things started to go back to normal however; he said to me that he ‘misses’ me last night. I said ‘but I am right here’ and he said I know, but you are different after what’s happened, you are different with me and I miss you and how we used to be. He’s right, I do feel like I am more guarded around him. I don’t feel I can let myself go back to how things were at the moment as I am so hurt by what happened. It’s not just a case of, the minute he feels better that I am able to mimic his reactions, because I went through a lot too and I am still processing. I feel bad for being distant but everything has really affected me, I don’t feel ready to go back to normal as I feel I’ve lost a bit of trust in us. It’s just all a bit of a mess. What do I say to him without hurting his feelings?

That sounds completely normal OP. Don’t go apologising to him. You don’t trust him anymore and he’s not the person you thought he was. You’ve got to decide if you want to move forward with him. Personally I would be reconsidering the future as if he’s gone this once he will do it again but next time you might be pregnant.

Is he engaging with treatment?

You have every right to your emotions.

You’re not responsible for his feelings. It sounds really hard for both of you, and I’m sure he was suffering, but he was able to express himself fully and it had an impact on you. I would be feeling just the same as you and being worried about causing hurt, but you have to be able to be your real self in the relationship, and if he can’t accept that, it’s his issue. It’s good for him to know how his feelings impact yours and vice versa. If you’ve always had open communication, then carry on, this is the next test of it.

That sounds really tough. I went through a similar thing with my DP a few years back and it really drains you emotionally. I think one of the hardest parts was after the crisis as all your emotions then flood out , you have time to stop worrying and think about yourself and you realise how much this has hurt you. My only advise would be that you need to accept these changes and talk honestly about them to work through it. Like PP said you need to build that trust back up. Also is your partner seeking any help for the depression? I would say this needs to be a must to remain in the relationship as you are his partner, not his counsellor, and it shouldn't be on you to fix his MH issues. He needs to show he is willing to work on himself as part of building that trust back.

Honestly OP that all sounds really emotionally manipulative on his part and would be huge red flags for me. If this is how he copes in a crisis, is this the kind of person you want by your side for the rest of your life? We all have dark moments of course but I think there’s a difference between being depressed and being dismissive and hurtful. Perhaps have a really hard think if you’ve been given a huge get out jail free card here and rethink the engagement and baby. Please don’t bring kids into an environment like this.

Yes he is receiving treatment and has called the GP, on medication and also paid for private counselling via Skype . He is trying but i would be lying if I said it didn’t give me a fright and knocked me for six. My mum is also asking that I reconsider but I have said I will stick by him on this occasion Since it was the first, give him the benefit of the doubt if he is trying to seek help. If this happens again then I need to think of my own health and my own needs. I don’t know why, maybe it’s the weeks of having no affection but now he is being affectionate it just feels fake, like he feels he needs to be to make it up to me.

You tell him exactly what you have told us.
You need to

Oh dear it’s all about him and his feels isn’t it? Evidently you’re not allowed feels. Only him.

I’d bin for this.