Life is just too hard

[OakCat]

I am basically on the scrap heap at 48. Qualified accountant in the SE, not getting anywhere with the recruitment agencies. I have the registration call but never hear anything again except the odd return of my keeping in touch emails. Left my last job 5 months ago as hated every moment of the 2 years I had spent at the previous company and thought I’d have a break for a couple of months due to a rough couple of years both in a job that I hated and in personal life, I also needed to attend SEN courses for DC so they could get put on the CAHMS pathway which I was unable to do whilst working. Then Covid hit the job market and now it seems I too old to be put forward for anything.

Last week I applied for a 3 month temp job two hours after the job post and got told I was too late as they had over 200 applications in an hour and most were stronger applicants…..how am I ever going to get another job!

Now I’m home schooling DC with ASD/ADD with no prospect of them going back to school as they are not in the selected primary years, they are too young to leave to entertain themselves and I’m dealing with many meltdowns every day. If I can escape to the car to do a call with a recruitment agency or it's my turn for the supermarket I always come home to screaming and shouting as my partner cannot cope with DC.

No support network as my Mum has dementia and friends – well don’t have any more as they have melted away since DC have additional needs plus, I can’t get out in the evenings (pre lockdown) as DP can’t cope with DC on his own.

Work was my escape, something I knew and I was good at. Now I can’t find a job and even if I did get one as how can I take it if I have no child care (DP is not willing to flex his job even though I am actually the main breadwinner).

I’m now not asking for money from DP at the end of each month as it’s always met with sarcasm (the mortgage and most of the direct debits come out of my account), my savings are going down fast.

I feel broken and wish I could just drive down to beachy head and end it. Of course I can’t leave DC with just DP but I just want to be selfish just for once. Life is just too much of a battle and I just can’t seem to get a break.

Sorry shouldn’t even be posting as people are coping with a lot more than me, thanks for reading.

That sounds utterly awful. I really empathise with you feeling so unhappy, life with SEN children is tough, especially when your partner can’t cope with them. As you said, your social life drains away in these circumstances and you must feel terribly lonely and like there’s no hope. Well done for writing it down and reaching out. Please don’t try to end your life. If you succeed in doing that who is going to protect your children? You are worth going on for in your own right too. You’re obviously an educated woman, keep your feelings of self worth up.

Do you claim PIP for your children? You could possibly get that and carer’s allowance which might make a great difference financially. Please don’t give up. You deserve a future and you are worth making a good one for yourself. Your children are also depending on you, it sounds like you a very strong and kind person.

Can you get some sleep? You might feel better for it. I hope tomorrow feels a bit brighter.

Thank you for your kind words @PulyaSochsup. I don't feel I should apply for benefits as there are more needy people in the world.

I would be happy just to work in a supermarket for now but the only time I could work would be nights and that would mean I couldn't look after the DC whilst DP worked during the day.

I just feel so trapped and alone. I so wanted to be a strong role model for my DC and I can't even do that.

Yes I should get some sleep DC are usually up at 5.

You and your children are needy and worthwhile! Please reconsider about the benefits, you are struggling to work becayof their conditions, you need financial and emotional support. See if you can find a carer’s support forum and ask mmhq to move this to the special needs area for extra support.
Take care and I hope you sleep well.

I don't feel I should apply for benefits as there are more needy people in the world.

I just want to say that the benefits people will decide, by fair methods, who is needy and how much they get. If you apply, and get something, it will be because you qualify. Your need is as valid as anyone else's.

You may not realise it but your sons will see you as a strong role model already. They know they can depend on you.

I really sympathise OP, sounds really rough!
Benefits are for people who through circumstance need them.... that’s you at the minute.
Can you have a word with your partner, it all seems a bit one sided, he can’t be flexible with work, can’t manage DS but yet you pay all the bills etc...... what’s that about?
This will pass and you’ll find a job, just hang in there💐